Raspberry Lemon Squares
by Pancakes107
Summary: After working hard for years, Edward finally has the life he always dreamed of. Unfortunately for him, he left behind a life he won't ever be able to forget. When his new life finds out about his old, he is forced to go back home and revisit everything he thought he never wanted.
1. Chapter 1

I tucked my tie below the starch of my white collar, straightened it and loosed it enough for comfort. Glancing in the mirror, I ran my comb through my hair with just enough gel to look professional, but not enough to look like I ran a casting couch. My slacks were pressed, shirt was ironed and my skin was looking immaculate from the professional care treatment I'd received over the weekend. It was important to keep your fingers well manicured when you ran money, so I had endured that too. I had had the ideal beauty regiment of a sixteen year old girl, and I was a 26 year old man for Christ's sake.

It was not as if I cared much for how I looked…believe you me, I didn't. I cared about how I was perceived. To be successful in this town, you needed to look successful. Professionalism had to ooze from each and every one of your pores so that men with fat bellies and wallets stacked high felt comfortable enough entrusting you with their livelihoods. Yup. I had done well for myself, indeed. Talked myself up, gave an appearance of having everything figured out…I was young, attractive, wealthy and well fucked. I held partial ownership in a prominent Atlantic City casino that entitled me to a lofty bank account and the penthouse suite atop of the hotel. My fiancée was a full on ten and unlike how most of the men I ran with felt about their wives, I actually loved her.

Managing to provide yourself with this kind of lifestyle in your fifties was a great feat for any man…but…getting yourself there at 26? Well, that kind of made me a fucking legend in this town.

People wanted to hear me lecture, they wanted to take my photo and they wanted all of the advice they could squeeze from my flesh. "The key to success," I'd say, "is keeping focused on your goals. Never lose sight." And I meant that shit, too. Ambition defines who we become. If you want something, go take it, because if you aren't taking it, you never really wanted it anyway. I keep my focus razor sharp at all times.

I entered the elevator and pressed the button that would begin my work day. I had to get down to my office to review paperwork on last night's till and oversee that the comps being handed out were fair to the house. There was nothing that shit me more than a hostess that gave away unnecessary items to small time dimes. I had no interest in penny slot motherfuckers, I was in the business of pleasing high rollers.

I flipped the on switch to the light in my office and breathed in deep. It smelled crisp and clean, a major contrast from the casino floor which was stale with the smell of menthol and booze. The lamp I kept above me was dim, and the walls were cloaked in darkness. I was under bright lights all the time, and this place was my sanctuary away from all the glitz and hubbub around me. I sat in my cushy spinning chair and flicked on the main hub of my operation. While my computer booted, I opened a ledger book that sat in the center of my mahogany table that contained all records of the evening's hostesses' comps. The till was computerized, and I could view that after.

Looking down the list of freebies, I couldn't help but think that hostesses could be a real pain in my ass, you know? See, in Atlantic City there are dozens of casinos doing exactly what we were doing. We all plot and scheme weary customers into coming in by using fast cash, bright lights and women dressed in lingerie as waitresses. We've got a gentlemen's show for the ladies, but I rather not go on about that. And while we provide you with everything you could want, the greasy suits next store will provide you with the same. There ain't nothing stopping anyone from going to one place versus another unless you offer people shit that the other guy won't give them. We want our high rollers to stay right here, so we employ a series of hostesses to cater to whatever they want in that moment.

As a thank you for being in our casino, everyone seated is entitled to free drinks. Naturally, we keep our waitresses young, fit and scantily clad. This pleases the gentlemen who are far stupider about doling out their cash than our female patrons. And, if you spend more, you get more. The real show stoppers get upgrades and the full VIP treatment. Free food, free rooms, free money to put in your machines…the works. It is intended to get the people who keep pushing money our way to fucking stay where they're at. But the girls can get a bit overindulgent with the comps. And that money comes out of my own damn pocket. A man who loses two hundred a day isn't entitled to much, but they give 'em shit anyway. Really busts my balls. Unfortunately for me, I had a soft spot for ball-busters which is probably why I was marrying a fucking hostess.

I hadn't wanted to get married at first. Like I said, I don't lose focus, and work was it for me…but Tanya was hot and _always_ around. I wanted to partake in her nightly routines; she wanted to partake in dinner and casual conversation. We argued about it a while, but eventually we compromised. I agreed to wine and dine her as long as we could fuck when the night was through. It sounds callous when I say it now, caring for her as I do, but it was the only thing I had to offer anyone at the time. She was cool with it, and I wanted her enough to sit through an evening of steak and merlot before we lost the clothes.

Though it rarely happens, I was wrong about her. Turned out, she was perfect for me. I found myself wanting to spend time with her even when we were vertical. I wouldn't even realize I was doing it, but I'd call her even when I was working hard just because I missed her and wanted to hear the softness of her laugh. And we did laugh… all the time. We saw movies, we went dancing, I even fucking went roller skating for this chick once. So, when I went to Tiffany's and picked out a diamond, I didn't hesitate to put it on her finger. She made me happy, and that was good enough for me.

We were set to marry in about a year, right here in the ballroom of the casino and if I could just get out of inviting anyone from back home, life would be good. Truth was I didn't want my parents to see the life I was living now. They were humble people, and definitely wouldn't feel comfortable in the setting I found myself in. I mean, I grew up on meals made from whatever went on sale that week. The very idea that I owned a designer suit would make my mother scowl and probably smack me upside the head for being wasteful. "Waste not, want not!" was her favorite expression.

"Edwaaaard," my bride-to-be called as she slowly opened the door to my office.

"Hey babe." I said staring into my book. I had a lot of numbers to crunch.

"Oof." I muttered as she flung herself in my lap.

"That's no way to say hello. Where's my kiss?" She cocked her head to the side wearing an amused smile.

I puckered up and she smacked a big peck against my mouth and I laughed lightly.

"Sorry…I'm working baby, you know that."

"Wellll… stop working for a minute. I wanted to talk to you about something." She patted my leg and stood up to walk to her own chair on the other side of the desk.

"What's up?" I asked, closing the ledger.

"About the wedding location… it's not that I don't like the casino…I do baby, it's just that…" She started and then stopped. She wasn't crazy about where I wanted to have the whole deal.

"Just that what, Tanya?" I asked.

"It's our wedding! We work here, we _live_ here. I feel like I spend every waking moment in this place and I realize that it's free if we have it here, but…Edward…_it's our wedding_!" She bounced a bit in her chair.

"Ta…"

"I already know what will happen if we have it in the ball room, Edward. We'll have the ceremony; you'll shake a few hands and then when it's time for our first dance I'm not going to be able to find you because you'll be on the casino floor or in your office! I want it to be about us, not work or our friends or the gamblers commission…just you, me and our relationship." She stated with annoyance.

"Tanya, do you know how lucky we are to have that room for free? People pay tens of thousands for their weddings…hell some pay upwards of hundreds of thousand…I mean, we aren't exactly hurting financially, but it's an effin' party that is going to last one night. I work hard, Tanya. We have a gorgeous area to have the party in and if we bring it somewhere else, it just feels like throwing money away. Do you understand?" I tell her.

"It's not just a party Edward! This is the most important day of my life, of _our_ lives! I get that you think that this place is your whole life but for _one_ night I want everyone to know that I'm your life too. We can afford it you just have to say yes. Say yes, baby. Please." She gripped the edge of the table with her fingertips and I sighed.

"Where were you thinking exactly?" I asked apprehensively.

"Well… there is a catering hall not far from here called the Eclipse room. It's got these grand chandeliers and a lighted dance floor. Oh, Edward baby it's beautiful. I hear the food is great and it's on the water so we could have the ceremony outside on the beach and then the party inside. It fits a lot more people too, so I was thinking maybe we could spring for it and have your entire family come up from the south so that you'd get to spend time with them too. Speaking of, have you called your parents yet?"

Ah fuck.

"Uh, no not yet. I'm planning to." I tell her reluctantly.

"Edward! You said you'd call a week ago!" She huffed.

"I know, I know. You don't know them, Ta. They're going to make a big fucking fuss and I don't want to hear it right now."

She shook her head sadly.

"Hey…I'll call 'em. I promise." I tell her softly.

"I want them to meet me before the day of. They're going to be my family too…I want to know them, you know?"

"I do know. And I'll call them today. And I'll look into your hall, but don't get your hopes up. If it's too expensive, we're staying right here. I already told you here or not, I'm not going to work on our wedding day."

"Eep!" She exclaimed and jumped out of her chair and back onto my lap.

"I love you." She states as she kisses me over and over. "Thank you for considering it. It means so much to me."

"I'll let you get back to work." She tells me bringing her lips to my own for a much more passionate embrace.

She stood to leave and I casually grasped her ass.

"Stop that!" She giggled as she walked towards the door. "And don't forget…"

"Call them, I know." I cut her off.

"Call them!" She closes the door behind her blowing me a kiss and I sigh running my fingers through my short auburn hair. The last thing I want to do is inform Mama and Pop that I'm marrying someone up here. They still held out hope that I'll return to the South which was never going to happen, wife or not. I may have grown up a Southerner but I was a Jersey boy at heart. This is where I belonged and where I would stay. I had made my choice long ago.

Turning back to the ledger, I'd made the conscious decision to call them another time.

* * *

"So, this is the place to get married, huh?" I asked the event coordinator at the Eclipse Room.

I knew better than to trust internet advertisements and glorified photographs. Not to mention, I needed figures. I charged people absorbent taxes that aren't advertised all the time. "Want a pillow in your room? There will be a $15 surcharge…Sorry it wasn't mentioned in the brochure! Want your bed serviced? That'll run you $50. Cheers." So I had ventured out to the space Tanya was infatuated with to see for myself and talk to someone who may or may not have known what they were talking about.

A waify brunette lady was taking me around for the grand tour. Long hallways full of ornate artwork and plush carpeting led the charge through the each of the party rooms. There were a few different ones to choose from, all very ornate and plush as well. It was a beautiful place with a price tag to match, sure, but ultimately it just wasn't any nicer than the casino ballroom that we were getting free of charge and I just couldn't see justifying it. I was a business man, money wasn't something I tossed around for the hell of it.

"The space is lovely, sir. And considering you'll be getting three spaces for your event, it is a bit of a bargain actually." She spoke with an air of condescension.

"What's a person need three spaces for, for one party? How much would you knock off the bill if we just took this room without the outdoor areas?" I asked.

"Well, sir, that isn't really feasible. You see, we set the ceremony outside with our deluxe white chairs and then we whisk your guests into the star-lit gazebo for a delectable cocktail hour. While this is going on, the main ballroom is prepped for the reception and the beach area cleared of clutter from the ceremony so as to give your guests a magnificent view of the ocean. Should we designate the ballroom for ceremony, cocktails _and_ reception, how would we accommodate your guests while preparing the different avenues in your wedding experiences? Trust me when I say, the spaces together make for a beautiful wedding. One your fiancée would be proud to have and share with your guests." She wore a smirk as thin as her long little body.

"Yeah, see, the thing is, my fiancée is being difficult. I run Twilight casino down a ways…"

"Oh my…" She cuts me off with a big smile. She's just realized I have money.

"So, I got top notch chefs cooking for us round the clock, and a beautiful room that people rent out for weddings all the time and we can have our wedding for nominal fees, you following me here? And yet, she really wants this place. So since you're telling me it's going to run me $400 per guest, I'm going to need you to really sell this shit to me, alright? No frou-frou talk about whisking guests, and blah blah blah. Give me facts and numbers that will put a smile on my face and give me good news for my girlfriend."

Her smile falls.

"It's not that I wouldn't like to give you a different deal, but I've already given you our list of wedding packages. They are standard and quite fair, I'd say. Though perhaps you require a bit more time to think it through? I don't doubt that we can do a phenomenal job pleasing to you both. No doubt better than any casino staff could provide you with." The condescension was back. And it pissed me off. I wouldn't work with her if she lost $5000 a night in my place.

"Yeah, great lady. Thanks. We'll get back to you."

* * *

"We're having the wedding at the casino." I told Tanya over the phone while I drove back to work.

"What!? Why? What happened? I thought you were going to keep an open mind!" She exclaimed.

"My mind was open until this uppity bitch started giving me her uppity figures. You know with our guest list they want to charge us $60,000?! And that's just for the place, food and booze. We haven't factored in any of the other shit we need. How much were you planning to spend on your dress? Ain't that shit going to run me thousands of dollars too?" I replied.

"Edward, we have the money! I'll buy a budget dress, and we can chop the guest list down some. I mean, that would be our only major expense. We could get the tuxes rented, and maybe I could find an inexpensive florist, and I could probably get favors for under a grand…" She continued.

"Favors!? Tanya, I didn't even think of those things. How much do flowers run? Fuckin' things should be cheap, they die after a few days anyway." I grumbled and turned into the parking garage.

"Edward," She sighed. "Come on. This means a lot to me okay? I only plan on getting married once and I want it to be special. You act like it doesn't even matter to you."

"It matters to me, but I don't see how a party right here where we live and thrive isn't special? We met here for Christ's sake; I think that that is highly romantic!" I exclaim.

"It would be, but it would be more special if we didn't spend every single waking moment in this place! Edward, I mean, it would be special if you and I eloped somewhere, it would be special to me no matter what, but sharing this day with everyone I care about matters to me. Going a little above and beyond… is important to me. And I've been thinking too…about maybe moving the wedding to Louisiana. It would be cheaper down there, and then your whole family could make it too…" She started.

"No. Absolutely not. We're not having it there. We're not even going there to say "what's up" to the bayou."

After a moment of silence, she asks me something I'd never even considered.

"Are you ashamed of me?" She asks.

"What? Of course not, why would you ask that?" I question her, dumbfounded.

"You won't call your parents and ask them to meet me…You refuse to bring me to the place you grew up in…I mean, it's an honest observation."

"No, Baby, no. I could never ever be ashamed of you. I love you. Not calling my parents has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. I just know that when I call I'm going to get the whole run around asking why I haven't come to visit them or why I haven't called. I don't want to get into that conversation for the same reason I don't want to bring you down there…I'm not going back. I made the decision to keep my eyes forward and they're having a lot of trouble accepting that as a fact." I tell her, sincerely.

"They miss you." She says.

"I miss them. But going back home is like going back to a different life. I'm not that guy anymore, babe. I'm an entirely different person, living an entirely different life, and I left the guy that used to be me back in Louisiana where he belonged."

"Well…they could still come visit without you having to regress. I want to meet them. Why won't you call?" She asks and I fumble around with my keys.

"I will, babe. I will." I reply softly

"You back here yet?" She asks just as soft, giving me an out of the conversation.

"Just pulled up. Meet you upstairs at nine?" I request.

"Mmhmm. But, just so you're prepared, I don't plan on having clothes on."

"Good. 'Cause if you did, I'd just rip them off you anyway." I smirk while she giggles.

"You never disappoint." She tells me.

And I wish so much that that was true.

* * *

The next morning the routine continues. The nightly gamblers didn't show up in hives as much as usual and our take was lower than it should be. I typed away at the data in my computer and tried to figure out which machines were paying out too much downstairs. They would need to be replaced with some less generous machines and hopefully we'd make up for the night with today's new batch. I closed up shop, locked my door and headed to the casino floor to check in with our dealers.

I stopped in to a blackjack table to warn Penelope that it was coming to her time to take a break, and got Benny to fill her spot for the time she'd be gone. I bagged some old decks, checked in with security and made sure all was going well at the bar.

"Hey Mister Edward!" a regular gambler shouted my way.

Her name was Margaret Frenner and she was a stout, older woman. She had a bit of a thing for me and she always made her way over to say hello. She came here about five days a week though, so I always smiled and tried to make her feel at home.

"How you doin' today, Margie? Robbing us blind?" I asked.

"No, no, I wish Mister Edward!" She laughed. "You're always taking _my_ money!"

"Oh, no, don't say that! You're breakin' my heart Marg! Tell you what, you keep playing and I'll have a hostess come over and get you a free dinner. I think Daniella was hoping to see you today anyway." I smile.

"Bless you, Mister Edward." She winked and pinched my butt. Fun.

"Good luck, Mrs. Frenner." I smiled and walked off.

I popped my head in over at the cashiers station where Daniella was hiding and told her to help our Mrs. Frenner and I headed back to my office. I actually planned on calling it a day pretty early so that I could go upstairs and finally make that dreaded call to my parents.

I logged into my computer once more to ensure I had put out any fires that had been lingering in the system and was pleased to see everything running like clockwork. I shut it down and rubbed my fingers across my face. I did not want to deal with the trying afternoon I was in for, but I thought I could reward myself and my lovely girlfriend by taking her out to dinner tonight. I glanced over at the calendar just to see that I had nothing imperative scheduled for the day when I first saw it.

The black dot I'd kept on every calendar I'd owned for the past four years. The black dot I'd tried not to think about the other three hundred and sixty five days a year. But it was coming up, in a week. Fuck. Guess calling my parents would have to wait again.

I banged my head on my desk whispering "fuck" aloud, hoping I could fast forward time and forget that dot until next year.


	2. Chapter 2

The pale white shelves stared back at me as I stood in front of them. I don't know what I was thinking, that maybe something would just jump out at me and say "buy me!"!? But that wasn't happening. The lights overhead were bright and florescent and the sounds of shouting children nearby filled my ears and it was all giving me a headache. I really just wanted to scrub this mission and go home, but that wasn't happening either. There was no way I could leave here empty handed, not so close to that Goddamn black dot.

It had been so much easier, the three years prior; the years before she was able to have any sort of preference in the world. But it meant more now, and down the line she might actually remember this one so it had to be perfect.

"Excuse me." I asked the nearest teenager wearing a polyester vest.

"Could you help me? I'm trying to find something…only, I'm not sure what I'm trying to find."

"Uh, we got some pretty good house wares stuff, aisle twelve." She replied, completely disinterested.

"No, that's not what I meant. I'm in the right aisle I just don't know how to go about picking something to buy." I told her, and her face scrunched up as if she thought I was crazy.

"You just…like, look, grab somethin' and pay up front. It's not too hard, mister. People accomplish it every day." She shrugged.

"Yeah, I know that." I said plainly. I wasn't fucking stupid, thank you. I knew how to fucking shop.

"My problem is finding what to grab. I'm trying to find a gift for someone I don't know all that well." I sighed.

"Uh, well look, if what you get isn't right, they can always return it. We got a sixty day policy, so long as it's not something electronic. Don't think so much, dude. Just grab and go. That's what I did last time I had to buy a gift for my boyfriend…only he is like, so picky so I knew he was going to hate what I got no matter what. I got him fifty dollars worth of tube socks and he returned them and got some stupid video game that he should have just told me he wanted in the first place. Why do you guys always do that shit? You don't want to read our minds but somehow because I'm a girl I'm supposed to know what you want? Sorry pal. You need to open your mouth too. You get it?" She popped her gum at me and I tried not to show the grimace I was feeling internally. Why did people think that chewing gum while working was acceptable? Hell, why do people think sharing every last detail of their lives with strangers is acceptable? I moved up here to avoid down-home shit like this all together.

"Actually…that is helpful. Thank you." I told her with an air of dismissal, regretting having asked for her help in the first place.

"Yup. No probs." She said walking off with a wave of her wrist.

Her advice about being able to return whatever I bought was kind of helpful though…in the smallest way possible. I'd include the receipt in the gift wrap and this place was a chain so… it was true that it could be returned. It just would really bother me if it was, and I was trying to ignore the particular pain I felt when I thought about this whole sordid situation.

I browsed for another ten minutes before just quickly deciding on something I thought would be suitable and bringing it to the counter for purchase. I had to accept that there was no way I was going to find the perfect item because there was no way for me to know what that item was. I'd just have to guess, and hope that I got lucky. It fucking burned my biscuits not being able to come to any sort of logical conclusion based on fact and instead having to rely on hope. I liked facts. I liked numbers and putting two and two together to get four. Basing decisions on guesses went against who I was as a person, and I had no one but myself to blame.

When I got back to the casino, I went straight up to the Penthouse. I wanted to get my purchase inside while Tanya was working so that I'd be able to hide it from her. I wasn't a big proponent for lying, especially to someone you're about to promise your life to, but there were things that she didn't know about me and I didn't want her to. Everyone has secrets, after all. Little skeletons that are hiding in their closets just waiting to come out…except that, I didn't want _mine_ exposed. Not to her, or to anyone else. Hell, I didn't want to deal with them myself. Keeping them tucked in my metaphorical closet was the only thing that kept my going these days.

Going to my more literal closet, I reached up to the highest shelf and fished out the old cigar box that I stored these sorts of mementos in. Glancing at the outside pattern briefly, I placed it on my bed and put my purchase neatly in the spot beneath where I kept it. Tanya had never inquired about that box, so I assumed she had never noticed it. And if she never noticed that area in the closet before, there wasn't any reason she should start to inquire about what I kept in it now. I needed to be right about this, though, because how could I ever explain the item if she were to find it? I placed a package of tissue paper that was stored below in front of it, as extra protection. I replaced the cigar box back where it belonged and took a deep breath in.

As I went to leave, I caught my reflection in the mirror we kept across from our bed. I didn't look the same as I used to. My Mama had always combed my hair over without any product growing up, and as I got older, I stopped the hideous side part and just pushed it upwards. It used to be wild and the gel I placed in it these days made me look a lot older. Not that I hadn't aged in the last four years or so, but fresh from a shower I didn't look as old as I did working down on the casino floors. Turning my head to the side, I knew that it wasn't that gel that was getting me, though. I mean, it wasn't even the only major change. My wardrobe had been updated significantly also, and I always looked pretty chic. Anything but the country boy I had grown up as. I fit in at business meetings and at the large parties we held in the ballroom, but I knew that the clothes weren't it either. When I looked in the mirror all I could see was the changes that were appearing in my face and I had to accept that I wasn't lying when I told Tanya I left behind a different guy in Louisiana. I really didn't even look like him anymore.

But I was him, in fact. I wore his life in the back part of my memory. I held his family inside of my heart. I remembered his mama's warm apple muffins and the way she'd rock him on the porch after Sunday Brunch. These bits and pieces of love he carried in his memory became my bits and pieces of baggage. His attachments down south were really mine to carry, and today, after seeing the dot on my calendar, they were the only things I could think about.

God, did I do the right thing, that night so long ago? Would we have been okay today if I hadn't just walked out? I mean, as much as it killed me to acknowledge it, I missed the biggest attachment I had had of all. Her big brown eyes, the freckles she had on her shoulders, the plumpness of her bottom lip…Fuck, I'd loved those things. She hated her hair, but… when I'd lie besides her and run my fingers through it I'd always thought she was perfect. But she wasn't, you know. She was never _that_ girl. The one that guys most dream about. She didn't have a pair of huge tits, or an itty bitty waist but… her eyes sparkled just the same. And her smile…two of her bottom teeth were slightly crooked and it made my stomach ache at how cute she was when she'd smile wide enough that I could see them. She was perfect to me.

She was a real sweetheart too. The first time I took her out, she fuckin, baked for me because she said it felt rude to come along empty handed. Someone like Tanya would never do that. Hell Tanya would probably find it amusing that someone would bring Tupperware full of baked goods on a date, but it was just how she was. And for a short while, she was mine.

I tucked my closet door closed tightly and headed down to the floor. I needed to throw myself into work today or I was going to wallow in what could have been.

* * *

Downstairs, security grabbed me to tell me that two dumb drunks got into it in the poker pit and they needed to know if they should alert the cops. I told them to cut them loose, because I didn't really give a shit. Drunks got rowdy in this place all the time. They could press charges against each other if they really wanted to, but there no reason for me to get involved. Fuck them.

On the lower level of the casino, someone hit it big at the slots about an hour prior, and between the two incidents, all of the gamblers were all abuzz with excitement and gossip to share. Because I had a lot of regulars, they all were anxious to give me the 411 as soon as I was spotted.

"Hey Edward! Did you see that Nancy won fifteen hundred dollars on a quarter slot?!" Some lady or another yelled to me as I passed.

"Oh, did she? That's lovely." I replied as I walked briskly passed.

"Edward, man! He got in such a wicked left hook dude; tell me you saw that shit!" Another regular told me with gleeful entertainment.

"Nah, man, sorry I missed it. Next time I'll catch front row okay?" I replied disinterested.

It felt like my head was in a bubble and every time someone opened their mouth it was if they were talking at me rather than to me. I couldn't catch my focus and get a fucking grip on reality. I just kept seeing her, everywhere I looked. If I saw a girl with long dark hair, I'd catch myself staring at her wondering if when she turned around I'd see that face I had been thinking back on for years. Logically, I knew she wasn't here and never would be, but with each hip swing and taut little leg I'd see, part of my consciousness was insistent that it could be her. I was intently looking at one woman, when Daniella found me and my bubble.

"Edward, there are a bunch of papers that need signing, I told Tanya to take them to your office is that okay?" Daniella informed me.

"Oh, yeah, Dani it's cool. I'll get to them before the end of the day." I replied running my hands through my hair.

Bubble. Wait. Where did she go? What did she say? What did I say?

Before I knew it, someone else was talking to me.

"We have a crisis. Two of the guys in tonight's complimentary drag show have the flu and can't go on. What should we do?" My talent handler Johnny ran up to tell me. I answered him well, I think, but I just couldn't recall what I might have said.

Another body. Another set of brown eyes that weren't quite right.

"The tap at the bar is making a funny noise, should I call somebody or just leave it be?" Anton, my lead bartender needed to know.

Petite legs. Slender and long.

"Can you get someone to watch my table? I need to exchange my chips for lower ones." A texas hold'em dealer named Kiki inquired.

Milky white skin marbled with gentle freckles and cloaked in a party dress.

Bubble. Bubble. Bubble.

Finally I told everyone to just go to one of my partners, Phillip Dwyer for all their questions today. He was an older gentleman and not as approachable as me, but they were going to have to deal with him. If I took care of anything major today I was liable to fuck up and I wasn't willing to fuck up when it came to business. Not because I couldn't let go of the past.

I walked off the casino floor and made my way to my office bathroom to splash some water on my face. The cold water woke me up a bit, but that damn fog remained. I sat my ass down in my chair and glanced over at that calendar. It was six days away and if I could just get passed these six days, I'd be okay again.

* * *

"Knock knock" Tanya's voice rein through the crack of my door as she opened it.

"Hey…" I muttered running my palms against my slacks. I knew they might be sweaty, given my emotional rollercoaster. I figured I might touch her at some point, and I didn't want to be clammy.

"It's not often I see you run from the floor to hole yourself up in here. You doing okay, Edward?" She slinked her hips over to the side of my desk and ran her long fingers against my forehead.

"Just got a lot on my mind, I guess. I may need to take a day off." I told her truthfully.

She put her arms around my neck and sunk down into my lap. She raised her left hand to stroke the side of my face and carefully kissed my lips.

"Anything I can do to help?" She asked me sincerely.

"No baby, I don't think so. I think I just gotta ride this one out. But thank you." I told her, giving her nose a little peck.

She tilted her head to the side, thoughtfully for a moment before turning it towards me.

"You sure about that?" She asked moving her hands up to run her palms up and down my pectoral muscles. "I know some pretty good tricks to help you relax." Her lips found my neck and she placed gentle kisses down the path of my skin.

"Do you now?" I chuckled lightly resting my hands on her bottom while hers found my shirt buttons and started opening them up.

"Uh huh. I should tell you that I'm well trained in the art of relaxation." She kissed inside the opening of my shirt leaving a soft wet trail down the top of my chest. "And the best part of it is?" She stated. "I simply will not rest, until you are completely and utterly relaxed." She paused between words to suck lightly on the skin she was kissing.

Leaving the bottom of my shirt closed, she slid off of my lap and started to massage my thighs. I knew where this was going and I have to admit, I was pretty exciting. With the day I was having, I needed the relaxation and nothing made you feel better than an orgasm. I leaned back and closed my eyes trying to get into the moment, when I saw _her_ face in my head again. Fuck.

My eyes flew open and I nudged Tanya back up.

"You don't have to do that, baby. I'm fine." I told her, and she smiled at me lazily.

"I want to, though." She said, unbuttoning my slacks. "Let me take care of you. I'll make it all better." She told me as she finished opening my shirt. She laid wet, lazy kisses down my stomach and I closed my eyes tight trying to clear the fog. With each kiss, it got a little clearer, but it just wouldn't go away. With my eyes shut, I saw her beyond the clouds and when I opened them and saw Tanya in my reality, I felt so much guilt to them both.

"I'm okay, Ta. Really." I said shakily.

She glanced up at me and sighed lightly. She stood up and sat back in my lap.

"Maybe you just need more convincing, huh? I can rectify that." She said pulling my head to hers and kissing me deeply. It felt nice…really nice. But I couldn't do this. Not today, not when I was between a rock and a hard place emotionally. She deserved more than that.

I pulled away and looked her in the eye.

"I love you, you're beautiful, but I'm just not into it right now." I told her honestly.

She leaned her back further away and looked at me.

"Babe, I'm not sure if you realize this right now, but my intentions are to give you the best blow job of your life. No reciprocation needed or work on your part required. You just need to sit back and enjoy. Once in a lifetime offer right here. You'd be a fool to pass it up." She tells me.

"Trust me, I feel like a fool. But it's just not a good time right now." I nudge her over to one side of my legs so that I can tuck myself in tight and button back my pants.

"Are you serious?" She asks, her vocal pattern changing into something short of annoyance or hurt. I wasn't sure which.

"Yeah, maybe tonight okay? It's just been a long few days."

"Really, Edward? You're turning down sex? I'm waiting for the punch line here. Help me out."

I buttoned up my shirt and looked at her.

"No punch line. I really do have a lot of my mind. I'll make it up to you another time, you know I will." I patted her ass gently and waited for her to leave.

"If there's enough on your mind that it's preventing you from letting me suck you off, then I think I'm worried. Talk to me, tell me what's going on." She stated, not going anywhere.

"Nothing specific, just a lot of shit, you know? Nothing you need to worry about, promise." I replied, wanting her to leave so that I could sulk. Who turns down head? Ever? Seriously, fuck my life.

"Don't blow me off, Edward!" She said and couldn't help but reply with a small smirk.

"Shut up, you jerk!" She lightly smacked my shoulder with a smile. "That wasn't meant to be a pun. I'm serious here. You can tell me anything and…I want to know. Are you worrying about the wedding? Calling your parents?" She asked, and if I could have gotten away with it without looking strange, I would have kissed her for the out she'd just bestowed upon me. We could go with wedding jitters and parental issues. Ding Ding Ding!

"Uh, yeah. Big parts of it, definitely." I replied awkwardly, being such an awful liar.

"I don't want our wedding to stress you out, baby. This is all supposed to be exciting. For both of us." She sighed leaning her head against mine.

"It is exciting, Ta. But trying to weed through the logistics of the cost of this venue you really want and building up the nerve to talk to my parents isn't exactly a picnic for me. I know I have to get through it, and I'm trying…just give me time okay?" I rubbed at her chin with my thumb.

"Well…alright. I'll go easier on you. But if you're ever feeling overwhelmed like this, you need to come talk to me okay? And I'll try to make the wedding planning as easy on you as possible. I'll take care of everything." She nods.

"How are you going to do that without knowing our budget babe? I'm not even sure what our budgets going to be yet. I've got fuckin, numbers to crunch, and things to weigh out…" I tell her.

"Don't you worry a thing about it. I'll work it out. All I want for you to do is relax, and maybe take a day off and remember that this is a good thing. Before you know it, we'll be on our honeymoon and all of it will be a beautiful memory behind us." She smiles at me.

"Oh fuck…a honeymoon. That's going to be expensive, isn't it?" I groan and she laughs.

"Stop ruining Christmas, Ebenezer! And…hey…wherever we go, I'll wear a string bikini for you…" She said enticingly.

"Mmm…Do I get to take it off of you?" I ask her in response, running my fingers on her hips.

"You drive a real hard bargain, but yes. I suppose that could be arranged." She smiles.

"Well, in that case, my love, you've got yourself a deal." I reply holding out my hand to shake, and she does shake it, laughing.

"I love you. Everything's going to be okay." She kisses my lips and for a moment, I think she's completely wrong. Nothing will be okay.

* * *

It's pretty bad that it's come to this. I'm sitting on a bench outside on the boards staring into the ocean drinking whiskey from a paper bag. It's a beautiful night tonight. The sky is rumbling with dark clouds and the threat of thunder. I know that a storm is coming, and the waves feel it too. The ocean is alive with swarms of activity in preparation for the occasion and I want to jump in and be a part of it all. The coast guards of Atlantic County probably wouldn't appreciate that, though.

I like to come out here and reflect. I don't usually do it with alcohol, but today has warranted it. The mini-golf course is alight with the remaining families who are outside right now. Most have retired to their hotels to ride out the storm with gambling, TV movies and lots of really delicious food. Tanya is upstairs, I suppose. Waiting for me to join her and make good on my promise from earlier today…but I'd rather not face her, just yet. I stand from my bench and grip the rails to get a better look at the beach.

You know, a lot of people have a lot of bad shit to say about New Jersey. That it's dirty and unkempt. That the people it produces are lesser quality than those of other states. But fuck them really. Watching the water move right now only confirms to me that this is my home. Full of turmoil and despair the water roars and I am one with it. I raise my bottle in cheers and know that no matter what damage I may have done, coming here was the right thing for me to do. I'll send out the package tomorrow and it'll make it there in time. And then, until I get the letter I know I'll get in return, I'll shut it off. I won't let my mind go back to Louisiana and the little pairs of footprints they'd leave in the sand if they were here with me. It's better this way.

Putting my key in the elevator to go home is sort of cathartic for me tonight. Every year I go through this need to come to terms with the kind of person I am to do what I have done…to come to terms with how much I miss her. But I know she's okay, and so I know I can go on living as I have.

I reach my floor and enter the penthouse. I drop my coat on the hook and loose my tie. I'm so ready to get off of my feet and into my bed, you have no idea. The light shines in the bedroom and I know I'll find Tanya there. My beautiful fiancée. The woman who loves me with all of her heart and wants to belong to me forever. I open the door and find her still dressed in her work outfit sitting on the bed.

"Hey baby." I tell her with a small smile as I set my tie aside from the bed.

"Hi." She says lowly.

"It's so good to be home." I respond, taking off my suit jacket and putting it with my tie for the dry cleaning services.

"Yeah." She says with no emotion. I turn my head to look at her. She doesn't look happy with me, but we left on a good note…so I don't understand what could be wrong.

"Hey," I tell her lifting her chin with my thumb. "What's going on with you? You're quiet."

"I have to ask you something." She says to me.

"Alright." I tell her, sitting beside her. "What's on your mind?"

"But I'm only going to ask this once," She says looking me straight in the eye. "So you'd better think good and hard about your answer."

My mind runs. She's mad. What could I have done? Fuck. I think she's found my hidden package. I glance to the closet which is sitting shut. No evidence of her having been inside. But what else could it be? How am I going to tell her? I'm not sure I've ever spoken the words out loud. How do I get them passed my lips?

"Alright…" I say apprehensively, trying to prepare for this inevitable conversation.

"Are you cheating on me?!" She asks with anger.

…Wait…what?


	3. Chapter 3

"Are you cheating on me?!" She asks with anger.

I can barely think of what to say I'm so taken off guard.

"What!?" I exclaim loudly, not knowing what else to say.

"You heard what I said. Now I want some answers Edward because I'm really scared right now." She says sadly.

"No, Tanya. I am not, nor have I ever cheated on you. I don't even know why you would ask me something so ridiculous." I tell her and storm up and off of our bed, getting rather annoyed.

"You've given me plenty of reasons over the past year. Something is up with you Edward, and I'm tired of pretending not to notice." Her voice has changed from her usual sweetness. It has become something angry and hurt. And it makes me angry, because I'm not that kind of fella, and when it comes to our relationship, I can't think of anything that I've done wrong.

"How the hell do you figure that I've given you reasons? I spend every waking moment with you or in that damn casino. You're really fucking losing it, Ta. I can barely find time to take a piss, let alone pick up some sort of mistress."

"I never said you had a full-blown mistress, Edward. I just asked if you were cheating! We live in a fucking hotel; a hotel with hundreds of rooms with beds that you could easily slip into with some random girl while I wait up here ignorantly. I'm not stupid. I know you could cheat if you wanted to." She tells me.

"Except that I would _never do that_! And you should KNOW I'd never do that! Jesus, Ta." I bark.

"Well, then, explain it to me. Explain to me why sometimes you just spend time staring off into the distance like you're calculating something, or glancing at that stupid calendar you have up in your office. It's almost as though you're just waiting for someone to arrive so you can slip away and be with them. And then today in your office…I practically threw myself at you and you didn't even pretend to want it! Sometimes…God, Edward, I'll see you looking at someone on the boards and it makes me feel like you're interested in them and that fucking burns me, Edward. Because I _never_ look at other guys. I don't need to." She shakes her head in sorrow, and I feel like shit. I never want her to feel pain, especially because of something I've done.

I don't look at other women. I just…get caught up in my head sometimes and when a woman that looks like the one from my past walks by, I can't help but make sure it isn't her. Because if she were to show up, it would be like a bomb exploding in my life that I'm not prepared for. I have to look so that I can access the upcoming damage.

"I'm not looking at other women, Tanya. If I'm staring into space, then it's because there are ideas and thoughts billowing through my brain at that moment. I am fully content in this relationship. I like knowing that I'm coming home to you. I don't need, want or plan to do anything with anyone else, from now until the end of time, okay? I picked you when I put a ring on your finger, and I meant it." I said sitting back down besides her.

"Then explain why are you being so strange about the wedding?" She asks, looking everywhere but at me, which is the only place I want her to look.

"Strange how?" I ask. I'd thought I was doing a decent job of being the attentive fiancée.

"You bought me a really expensive ring Edward. We live in a really expensive home. You have designer clothing, and anytime I need anything you're quick to hand me your charge card. But I ask you about a venue and you act as if we have to count our pennies to survive. Do you not want to get married? Is that why you're being so stindgy? Just…tell me. I'm begging here, I need you to talk to me." She asks passionately.

It wasn't a bad question. I was being stindgy about it, because yeah, I did want to get married, but no, I didn't want to spend a good deal of money on it. I wasn't trying to be cheap, but the truth was that I came from nothing. When I spent money on things, it was because they were valuable. I bought clothes because it made my associates respect me, and that helped me to advance as quickly as I had. I bought Tanya a fancy ring because I valued _her_ and if we didn't make it long term, she would be able to sell it and have a good amount of money to live off of without ever having to lose her pride and ask me for help. And yes, I allowed her to be a bit frivolous with my credit cards sometimes, but with my time being as limited as it was, I couldn't give her all of the attention that she wanted…so it seemed rational that she should at least have all of the possessions she might desire because I could give her those.

"Of course I want to marry you. You just don't know how things were for me as a kid. Sixty thousand dollars…Ta…that is more money than my whole family sees in a year. In two years even. We always scraped by, barely. Spending that kind of money on a _party_…I mean everything is going to be thrown away at the end of the night. All of it has a curfew that lasts no more than a day. It just feels like a major slap in my parents' faces. I want you to have the wedding of your dreams, but that price tag…it makes me kind of nauseous. We could do a lot with that money."

"Maybe you came from nothing Edward, but that doesn't mean that you have nothing now. I know for a fact that you could spend that money three times over without put a dent into your savings account, so why can't you just understand that yeah, it might be one party, and yeah, we don't get many keepsakes at the end of it, but it's the most important party we'll ever throw? Or attend, even. It is worth it." She asks.

"If we didn't have the ballroom downstairs, I'd agree with you. I'd take my ass right down to that snooty old hag and say, 'here's the down payment!' but we do have it. And since we do, spending that kind of coin just to have it take place somewhere else…I can't justify that. No matter how hard I try and I swear to you, I'm fucking trying here." I reply.

"Really? Well, if you're so worried about saving your money, maybe you can explain to me why you send a fucking check to the same woman every single month?" She says angrily.

Hold the phone. How would she know about that…? The only woman I send money to monthly is Bella…But I've never told anyone about her. How would she find out?

"Excuse me? What are you talking about?" I ask.

"I was in your account this afternoon, Edward. Yeah, that's right, I know. It's like clockwork, every single month to the same exact name. I figured you were paying travel expenses for the woman you're cheating on me with, but seeing as you deny that that's what's going on, I'll let you explain to me the truth. So go ahead. I'm all ears." She says.

In that moment time stills. There is nothing but silence and it is so loud. My stomach has dropped to the floor and I feel as if the room is on fire. My palms sweat. My heart is pounding. I feel betrayed, but I know that I'm a guilty party all at the same. I'd worried about a bomb and now here one was blowing up right in my face. I didn't know how to respond in any way that wouldn't make me sound like a cad, so I went for the only approach I could. Difference.

"How dare you go into my personal account? What the hell, Tanya?" I asked perturbed.

"I was trying to help. I thought…hey, if I could figure out what money was coming in and out during the course of a month, I could make smart decisions for the wedding budget. Only I hadn't expected that I'd find you hiding something!" She pulled her arms around herself and I was at a loss for words.

What could I say to this woman? How was I going to get out of this one?

"You should have asked me. You don't just go into people's things like that!" I yelled.

"I'm about to be your wife! I'm entitled to know about our finances too! I had every right to log in!" She yelled back, crying hard tears now.

"Fuck!" I shouted and pushed my hands through my hair.

"Oh my God. You really are having an affair, aren't you?" She said sadly.

"No. No I haven't even seen that person since I was back home in Louisiana." I spoke quietly, but exhaled loudly.

"Then why are you paying them off? What did you do, Edward? Are you in some kind of trouble?" She cried.

"No…She's just an old girlfriend." I said lowly, sitting back on the bed.

"Okay…" She moved closer to me, walking on her knees.

"She was a serious, old girlfriend." I rubbed at my face and sighed again.

"Fuck." I muttered.

"I'm still listening." Tanya told me.

"Yeah, but after you hear what I've got to say, you might not be." I think my hair was starting to fall out because of all the tugging I was doing to it by now.

"Edward." She grabbed my face and made me look at her. "I'm still here and I'm still listening."

"Okay." I tell her and take a deep breath.

I never wanted to tell her the truth. Never wanted to acknowledge it. I could live with the fact that I wasn't a great person, so long as I spent my days doing as many great things as I could. But if I acknowledged them, it was going to hurt. Bad. And not just me…everyone was going to feel this one. Some people already were. I wasn't ready for it at all, but it was time to strap on my big boy balls and come clean to the only person left who would hear me out.

"I met her when I was in college. I was almost done, and I was so excited to finally be getting out of that place. I figured I'd live my last year up, you know? Parties every night, getting totally drunk off my ass. Maybe smoke more weed than anyone is entitled to. So, one night the guys and I were going to a major blow out. Almost everyone in town was going to be attending and I wanted to hook up with someone. I was on the prowl, checking out all the girls that I'd seen a hundred times before. Same old shit; I wasn't interested. But she was there, sitting in a corner chair by herself. She looked…scared almost. Like she didn't belong there and she knew it. I went over to her, and said hello. I didn't know it at the time, but she was only seventeen. She had been in her last year of high school and her friends had convinced her to let her hair down and experience a real college party. So naturally, she met had to go and meet this asshole. You still hanging in with me?" I asked her. She nodded gently.

"So we talked a while, and she was kind of cute. I wanted to take her home and give her the full party experience, but she wasn't into that sort of thing. She flat out said no. I wasn't bothered though, I could wait. I told her, that's okay, but I would like to see you again. And after some convincing, she agreed. We started dating and after a while things got pretty intense. We were spending a lot of time together and all my plans for living it up became null and void because I was using all of my free time to be with her. Right around the time school was officially coming to a close, she got quiet. I thought that she was scared because I was going to be leaving, and she wondered where that would leave our relationship. I had had a few different job offers already given to me by various companies up North, which had always been my dream. And while I didn't once plan on coming back, I did think that she'd come up and be with me wherever I ended up. She wasn't worried about that though... Or she was, but that wasn't why she was quiet all of a sudden. She…" I looked over at Tanya.

"Go on…" She told me.

"She had found out she was pregnant. And I…well, I fucking freaked. I mean you gotta understand where I was coming from. We didn't have enough money to feed ourselves in my parents' house. I couldn't take care of a baby! And the economy down there was hit real bad, no one was hiring and everyone was in need. I had always known that I needed to move here, so that I could eventually support a family. It wasn't time yet. We both had had dreams, and a baby…a baby would have stripped that away from us. So I told her I thought we should let it be adopted. I thought we could give the kid a real nice life if we did. She was adamantly against it though. It would have been a good thing, and I tried to convince her as such. I had known that we couldn't afford to feed, diaper and clothe a baby, we just didn't have the money. Some other, already established family out there could though, and the baby would have a better life, you understand that, don't you Ta? Don't you?" I looked over at her realizing I was crying now too. She just kind of looked at me and nodded lightly for me to go on.

I took another deep breath.

"So I had to weigh my options. I didn't want to be a man who could leave his pregnant girlfriend behind, but I didn't see how I was going to support her either. I decided it was better to try, and I packed my bags from my parents' place and moved into her Daddy's ranch with her. I was able to get a job cleaning out stables that paid next to nothing, and we started to get ready for a child. Things were bad, Ta. They got really bad really quick. I remember one day, she wanted to get this crib for the baby… Fuck, I wanted to get it for her. I really did but….I couldn't afford it. She smiled and said it was okay, we'd find something at a local yard sale…but I was so ashamed of myself in that moment. I got angry about it and she JUST kept saying 'it's okay!' I couldn't talk to her anymore. It wasn't okay, and it wasn't going to ever be okay again. She was acting so fucking excited. Like this was something good that was happening to us and all I saw was our dreams and our lives flying through the window. I ruined her life and I couldn't even fix it because I couldn't make a decent living if I stayed in that god forsaken town!" I slowed down and breathed for a moment.

"After a while, we stopped talking all together. I'd come home, give her whatever money I'd made and go to bed. She'd spend what she could on baby stuff and her friends would come by to ooh and aah over it while I sulked in our bedroom. One night, she and I got into it pretty bad. She kept telling me how much of an asshole I was being, how I wasn't helping her being there if I couldn't be happy. I couldn't pretend though. I was trying to put on a smile, but it wasn't there. So she finally cried and said to me 'You don't want to be here, do you?' and I really didn't. So I nodded. And she told me, 'Then put me out of my misery, and just leave already.'" I put my head in my hands and cried for a moment, remembering that horrible day, and the decision I'd come to.

"I never wanted to make her miserable, so I grabbed my shit and went to my folks' place. I thought I'd sleep there and then go talk to her when the sun came up again. There was no sleeping though, and the more I lay in my childhood bed, I knew that going was what I had to do. I couldn't be the father and boyfriend she wanted, but if I took a job offer I'd been given up here…then at least my child would have food. And diapers, clothes, and furniture and anything else she needed. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing…but knowing that they don't have to worry about how they'll pay bills or buy anything they might need keeps me sane. So I send the check each month. And when my daughter's birthday rolls around, I'll send her a gift. And when Christmas comes around, I send extra so that she can have plenty of gifts under her tree. And every year, a week after her birthday, I get a thank you card that the baby scribbles on, and five or six photos of her. I have never met her. And I can't…" I stop because I'm going to break down.

"I can't go back to Louisiana because I'm not welcome there. I love her…and I know her mother is taking good care of her. I don't know what else to say…" I glanced over at Tanya who had a face full of tears.

"Edward, that's…I'm… I don't know how to feel right now." She told me quietly.

She stood up from the bed and started to pace back and forth.

"I think I'm having a panic attack." She says as her breathing becomes erratic.

"I'm sorry…baby…" I stand to go to her.

"No! Stay where you are. I need a minute." She tells me as she breathes harder and harder. She's pacing so fast I think she may be creating a tear in the carpet.

"I just…how could you not tell me this, Edward?" She mutters as she paces.

"I didn't know how…" I whisper.

"No. No, how could you not tell me this!?" She shouts loudly.

"I didn't know…"

"No, no don't tell me you didn't know how Edward. Did you not think that this was an important piece of information for me to know?! Did you think it wouldn't matter!? I mean…Oh my God Edward. A baby?" She puffs and keeps pacing.

"She's turning four this week…" I tell her quietly.

"Oh my God." Tanya pulls at her own hair and wipes her face.

"This isn't like leaving a puppy behind Edward! This is a living breathing PERSON. A person who should know her father! I don't understand how you could do this. I don't understand how you're…I don't…I don't… I feel like I don't even know you right now." She sits down on the bed, still breathing hard.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I don't know what I'm doing anymore…"

"Have you ever!?" She shouts, effectively cutting me off. "Oh, God. I think it might have been better if you had been cheating on me. I don't know how to deal with this Edward."

"I'm sorry!" I cried. "I don't want to hurt you too."

"But you have! I think I need to get away for a while. I'm gonna…I'm gonna…I need to go get a room for the night." She says.

"No…baby stay. Stay here and we'll talk about it. I can make it better, you just have to give me a chance." I beg.

"No. I need time. Please just understand that. I can't compute this right now, I really can't."

I take her face in my hands and I brush away her warm tears. I love her, and I'm so wrong to have done this to any of them. "I'm sorry." I whisper.

She places her hand over mine and nods gently.

"I know that you're sorry…but sorry can't take back any of what you've just said. I'm not leaving for good but you gotta let me come to you okay?" She whispers before quietly walking out of the door.

And I am so totally fucked.

* * *

The next morning I gift wrap the present I have procured for my child. I box it up and bring it to the postal office so that she will get it in time for her big day.

I walk home so as that I can think. Tanya didn't come home at all last night. I know this, because I didn't sleep a wink. I was up thinking then too. She was right you know? This little person that I helped create did deserve to know her father. I only wished that I deserved to know her too.

I made my way to the boardwalk and glanced at all the people that were walking passed. A man had two children with him, and they were stopped in front of an ice cream shop. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of taking my little girl there. I wish I knew what flavors she liked. I shook off that feeling and made my way into the casino to go up the elevator to the Penthouse. I got stopped along the way by Daniella. Apparently, I'd been scheduled to give a lecture to a local business college on what it was to be successful. As if I knew. I felt like such a failure. I told her great, I was happy to do it. I smiled. Then I went upstairs and walked straight to my closet and pulled out the cigar box that housed the cards and photos that I had of her.

Her little face looked up at me as she smiled with Santa Claus. There was one of her at the zoo, and one of her eating cake also. Those were all from her birthday last year. This year I wondered how she'd look. How much bigger she had grown and if she still looked like me. More over, how was her mother? In all the cards and photos sent over the years, Bella was absent. She never sent me a picture of herself, and she never included a note of how she was doing. I knew if there was anything majorly wrong, my Mama would've called to tell me, but I wished I could talk to her just the same.

It's funny…I always thought we'd work things out somehow. Maybe after I had been up here for a few years, she'd bring the baby and we'd pick up where we left off…but who am I kidding? The woman hated my guts. She'd wouldn't like the new me either. I tucked the photos back in the box and brought it back to the closet. Now that the cat was out of the bag, I was pretty sure that I couldn't pretend it never happened anymore. I was going to have to face this head on, with real words and not lonely dots made in permanent marker on a store bought calendar. I plopped down on my bed and tried to think about what my next step was. I wanted her in my life for real. I wanted to know that when I bought her gifts, it was because I knew it was something she wanted and something that would make her have that toothy smile.

My stomach hurt. I didn't feel well. I wanted to just hide under the bed and never come out. I had to get to work though, and when there was a knock on my door, it was time to be a grown up again.

I walked over to the door and pulled it open. Tanya stood in front of me, looking a little worse for the wear.

"I think I'm ready to talk now." She says.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note**_: Hey guys! First off I wanted to say thank you for reading. If you've made it to this chapter, you've already exceeded my expectations by far and I am eternally grateful. I don't write for reviews (although, I have adored hearing from those of you who have left them. All feedback makes me so happy), I write because I want to produce something of quality that others may enjoy as well. So, I'm not crazy about leaving huge notes, but I wanted to address a review that I got. Someone feels as though they have read this before, but I assure you, that this is my own intellectual work and property. Any similarities between my story and any others are simply coincidental and entirely unplanned. Having said that, stories that are based on either love or pain have been done to death already in books, movies and fan-fiction. This is my own take on it, and I hope it comes across as true to life as possible. Once again, thank you for reading, and I hope I hear from you all sooner than later! _

* * *

I move aside and usher her in.

"You didn't have to knock, you know. This is your home." I told her as she came inside.

"I know, but with everything going on, I didn't want to like, bust in on you. And I wasn't even sure if you'd be up here or downstairs." She told me.

"Do you want to sit?" I asked her and with a short nod, we made our way to the couch.

She sat down and rested her back into the soft cushions. I sat beside her and she placed her hand over mine. Our fingers intertwined and we sat in the quiet just enjoying the feeling of being together for a moment.

"What's her name?" She asks thoughtfully and quiet.

"McKinley Reilene Swan. Swan is Bella's last name." I tell her.

"And Bella? I guess that's the Isabella I read about in your statements?" She asks.

"Oh, uh, yeah. She shortened it. I'm not sure but I don't think I ever did call her Isabella." I tell her.

She nods and it falls quiet again. After twisting at my ring finger for a few seconds, she begins to talk once more.

"Do you love her?" She asks me, and I have to think for a moment. I don't want to answer in a way that will hurt her, but I'm done with the lying and I know I have to be truthful. I do love Bella, and I probably always will.

"Yes. Part of me will always be in awe of her. She raises my child you know…how could I not?" I look over at Tanya and she nods.

"It's hard not to feel insecure, you know? She has something with you that I don't and it bothers me. That's pretty selfish, huh?" She asks.

"No…I don't think it is. I think it's pretty human. And one day you and I will have children of our own, and we'll share it too." I tell her.

"Yeah, but not your first. I told you…selfish." She smiles lightly.

"No…you're right. Not my first." I kiss her forehead and she sighs deeply.

The room is quiet, and I know she's thinking about her words carefully before she dares to speak.

"I'm not mad at you, just so you know." She tells me.

"You aren't?" Could have fooled me. "Are you sure about that?" I ask her in return.

"No. I'm just hurt because I thought I knew everything about you. And this…this was a big one. I was completely clueless. It hurt my heart." She tells me as I rest my head against hers.

"I'm sorry that I kept you in the dark about this, but in my feeble defense, I was trying to keep myself pretty clueless too. Before today, I had never even spoken her name before. Not out loud." I tell her and it's honest. It felt sacred, and to use her name out loud was to break the seal.

"Well…then, in that case, thank you for sharing it with me." She pauses and sighs. The mood is somber. Our voices low. Neither one of us is certain about where we stand, but the love is there, and so we both stay seated and wait for the other to articulate how they feel.

"You know I understand why you left. I really do. What I don't get is why you never went back to make good on everything. You could have come up here, made your money and returned to them at a later date. Why not? Why stay here instead?" She turns her head to look at me.

I breathe slowly, trying to compile the simplest way to describe what was going on back then.

"When McKinley was born, I got a delivery of papers requesting that I sign over my parental rights. I thought that was a pretty big indicator that I wasn't welcomed to return." I tell her.

"Did you then? Sign over your rights, I mean." She asks me.

"No. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be able to support my daughter financially, so…I hired a lawyer and instead of termination of rights, I terminated custody. Papers were sent and signed and then…just like that, it was over." I shrug lightly.

"And you never wondered what it would be like to go back? To at least meet her?" She wants to know, it is an honest question.

"At first, no. As much as I wanted to support the baby, I really didn't want to be a part of her life. I resented her. I hadn't wanted kids yet, but I did want Bella. The baby's existence took her away from me, and it put a major crack in my relationship with my family. So no, I didn't want to meet her. I was just sending money because I felt an obligation to do so. I mean, down south it's different than it is here. You can't just walk away and be like "oh well, it probably isn't mine anyway." That isn't how things are done. You take care of your own regardless. It's what you do. That's how I was raised. And it wasn't until her first birthday that being involved with her even occurred to me. See, I felt like I owed the kid some kind of a gift, having donated 50% of her biological makeup, so I sent down some baby blankets, and like, a stuffed toy or some shit. Like a week later I get this card in the mail from "M Swan." So I open it to find this long winded thank you letter that Bella wrote from the baby's perspective. I was going to toss it, but when I put the envelope down…pictures fell out. She had sent a bunch that year because McKinley's face had changed several times during infancy. And I just…seeing her put things into perspective for me. She's beautiful, you know? And I don't know why I care about her, seeing as I've never met her, but I do. I really do."

"Could I… see her?" Tanya asks apprehensively, and I nod. She's earned the privledge.

I stand and walk to the bedroom where I keep the cigar box. I pull it down and look at the top reverently. I don't want to share this with her, but I am going to. I move to sit back down on the couch and place the box on the coffee table.

"That's everything I have." I tell her and she picks it up gingerly. Looking at me for assurance, I nod and she gently raises the lid pulling up the pictures. There are about 30 or so of them, maybe more, maybe less. And she looks at each one for a good moment in silence.

"She looks like you." Tanya informs me, and I know it. McKinley has my eyes, my mouth and my hair. She got Bella's bone structure and her little nose. I nod to Tanya in acknowledgement.

She places the photos down and gently lifts the three cards I have already collected from each birthday. "May I read them?" She asks, and I can only nod. It seems as though I have grown mute somewhere along the conversation. She reads them intently and then with a gentle reverence she casually puts each piece back in their original place. She looks over at me and smiles light.

"So… are you ready to close this chapter?" She broaches carefully.

"What do you mean?" I ask her.

"Baby, I'm still all in. The way I see it, our chips are both on the table and I say we push them to the middle and ride it all the way. No more looking back, Edward. No more staring off into space, and no more letting the past control our futures. Tell me you're ready to put this box away and keep it there for the foreseeable future."

"I mean, yeah. That's what I have been doing all along isn't it?" I ask her.

"No, not really. You've been living in the past and expecting it to collide with your present. That's not going to happen, so I need to know that you're going to focus on us. I need to know that I can rely on you to be there one hundred percent of the time. We are never going to work out if part of you is still in Louisiana instead of here with me. So…do I have you? Completely?" She asks.

I'm not sure how to respond. She does have me, 100%. But there is a part of me that is living and breathing and walking around and that part isn't living here with us. I can't just forget about her all together. None the less, Tanya is here, McKinley isn't and because of that fact, I've only got one option.

"Yeah, you do." I tell her, and right now I mean it.

"Okay." She says with a small smile.

"Okay?" I ask.

"Yeah, okay!" She tells me slightly annoyed and moves to sit on my lap. She buries her head in my neck and grabs my arms to wrap my arms around her.

"We're getting married at the Eclipse Room." She mumbled into my skin, very matter of fact like, and I laugh a little.

"Okay, if that's what you want." I say.

"It is. And your parents are going to be there." She tells me.

"Done." I say.

"And I'm going to slow dance with your father." She tells me, and I laugh some more.

"Okay, sure. Anything else you want, your majesty?" I ask.

"Yeah. You're going to slow dance with my mother." She says.

"Blech." I utter. "Please no." I tell her.

She laughs.

"What's wrong with my mother?" She asks.

Oh, only everything. Tanya's mother Irena was a Russian nightmare. She spoke with a thick accent that I couldn't understand at all, and then she'd get angry when I'd ask her to repeat herself. She was a hefty woman, with a lot of extra hair sprouting from places I wasn't aware women had hair sprouting from. I wasn't her favorite person, nor was she mine…but we had her daughter in common, so we kept it as civil as two adults could.

"Oh nothing, except that she hates me and finds excuses to pinch me whenever she gets the chance." She did that shit, too. Hurt like hell.

"Stop that. She's gonna be your mother-in-law, you know." She tells me.

"Yeah, exactly." I say with a smirk and she pushes on my belly.

"Shut up, you."

I kiss the top of her head and hold her close. For the moment, there is peace and I am grateful.

* * *

A week later I stood atop the podium at the Atlantic County Business College. Young men in starched white shirts sat amongst the crowd anxiously waiting for what I might say. They wore their naiveté like a badge of honor, smiling and laughing amongst themselves. Most of them would never make it in the industry of their choosing, no. Most of them wouldn't even graduate. Hard work was something these gentlemen only thought they knew about, but none of them had put in a forty eight hour shift before. And they didn't know how they would cope with it until they had actually tried to.

I was wearing an Armani suit that day. My gel was more prominent than usual and I wore a grin that only someone who knew their shit didn't smell could dress in. I spoke of coming up. How I had scraped by in the big bad south only to rise up and make it big in a city that wasn't aimed at small time chumps like I had once been. They would roar when I spoke of the uphill battles I'd come through unscathed and while we were in assembly, I'd given them the idea that they could do it too. They couldn't, though. Most men lacked the discipline to accomplish what I had, and I was selling them a farce of inspiration.

I made my way backstage where I was given an envelope. Payment for my services. Money ran the world, and these officials knew it. I could talk up myself a bit to the young minds and their university for a delightful fee…and in return, the students would feel impressed and they would share what they had heard and inspire others to come along and refill their seats as young business students come next fall. The school gained more tuition, so their wallets got full and I received my envelope, so my wallet was full as well. And the penny-trodden students of Atlantic County? Well, they'd be paying off their student loans until they were dead. So the banks' wallets were full too.

I drove back to the casino and did my rounds. Daniella had been pretty salty lately, and she didn't look happy to see me.

"What's your problem, Dani?" I asked her conversationally, going through some paperwork.

"Your fiancée is becoming a bridezilla and evidently, I'm Tokyo." She said.

"I'll try to rein her in. Sorry girl." I say.

"Yeah, yeah. Just do it fast. She's giving me the shits." She says.

"Well, thank you for that lovely description in the afternoon. I'll be in my office. Oh, speaking of the shits, that old man Larry is sitting out at the craps table. He's been betting faster than he can get hits off of his oxygen tank. Treat him well, okay?" I inform her and she nods as I back out of the hostess station.

I make my way to my office and hang up my suit jacket. I sit down at my desk and take a breather. This week has been a good one. Gambling is up, drunken fighting is down and there was a big bachelorette party coming in this weekend that would make us big cash in both alcohol sales and bad decision making. I had a stack of mail that I was avoiding…mostly because I knew my M. Swan letter was coming. Things were good with Ta, too. She had become insatiable since our night apart and I was reaping the benefits… big time. I was back. Back on top, back where I belonged. Fuck all the drama, I didn't need that shit. I was King Tut, and everyone else was at the bottom of the proverbial food chain.

I had a knock on my door not long after I had entered my office, and I stated that they should come in.

"Edward, son." said Philip, my mentor and part owner of Twilight casino.

"Phil, my man. How are you doing?" I asked, standing to shake his hand. He sat down in the chairs across from my desk, and I returned to my seat.

He was a brash man, Phil Dwyer…heavy in the middle and ruthless when it came to making money. He had taught me everything I knew about making cash and quickly disposing of blood hungry leeches that were a threat to the operation.

"Meh. Okay I suppose." he spoke grumpily. "Got a report sent in yesterday. Needed to ask you why you ordered twenty new quarter machines."

"Payouts were becoming too large on some heavy hitters. It was worth the investment." I tell him.

"Was it? Boy, the probability of half of those machines making those payouts again were odds you ought to have been willing to take. Now you take a lesson here son. What have you done with the disposed slots?" He asks, and I kind have to choke down my urge to punch him in the throat.

"Uh, I sent them to slot graveyard. They're going to be prepped for tournament machines."

See, usually when a machine wasn't doing what we needed them to do for the floor, we scrapped them to the basement. There, we would have mechanics rig them to work without using any monetary value. Once we had them ready, they were to be placed in a special tournament room so that invitations could be sent out to high rollers. They come in, for a fee, and get to play in a tournament where they play as hard and fast as they can and those who make the most money on the machines, receive a real cash payment in first, second and third places.

"Well scrap the idea. The slots of my choosing will be placed on the upper level between the vending areas." He stood up to leave and when he reached the door, he stopped to look at me. "And Edward?" he said. "Don't you forget who made you. You want to lay out that kind of coin using my money as collateral, you come speak with me, or you don't do it at all? You dig?"

"Yes, sir. I understand." I tell him.

"Good. You tell that woman of yours she is getting on my damn nerves too." He stated while closing the door behind him.

I huffed in my seat. I was fucking mad. Who did he think he was? I wasn't just some bumfuck kid that arrived here yesterday. Yeah maybe he had taught me a lot, but I was a grown man now and I had stakes in this motherfucking company. He was a fucking majority leader though. Owned more than half…and even though I wanted to, I couldn't challenge his rule so here I was, kissing ass. My decision was right. I knew as much. That old man was getting senile, for certain. I quickly grabbed the telephone to follow through with orders trying to quench my need to vomit.

* * *

"Lucy, I'm home." I drawled in a Latin accent as I walked through the Penthouse door. Tanya was cooking at the stove.

"Lucy quit. You'll have to put up with me instead." She smiled and I pulled her waist against mine.

"Smells good. What are you making?" I ask.

"Just some fajitas. I thought you might like them." She smiled up at me.

Tanya couldn't cook worth a damn. I hadn't liked anything she ever made, but I could appreciate the effort. When we sat down to eat, I indulged in a second helping and raised my glass as though it was five star quality and not a hunk of burnt shit piled up on a plate. I showered, shaved and got myself into bed early. Tanya laid her head on my chest and I played with her hair while I tried to sleep.

When my eyes closed, I saw a blur of memories I had conceded to forget. That smile was back. She was laughing, that day. On a playground not far from her Daddy's house. We met up late at night when no children were around so that we could be together without any watchful eyes. She liked to go on the swings, and she told me that when I pushed, I'd push her with just the right amount of pressure. We'd turn that into innuendo frequently. She swung and she swung, and the higher that she went the more she'd laugh. Once she'd come down from the swings, we'd go sit atop the monkey bars. And I'd kiss her. And she'd kiss me. We had made love in that park, two or three times when our houses were full and we couldn't think of somewhere else to go. There was a nook under the slide where she was able to lay flat and hidden from most of the world. I was too tall to fit comfortably, but that was okay. We made do. I'd walk her home after, even though I was terrified that her Daddy might see me. We snuck her in a back window and she'd kiss my lips as we said goodbye.

I ran my fingers through Tanya's locks and felt a little uncomfortable that I was outright daydreaming about Bella while in bed with Tanya. Bella was always with me, though. We were only together for a year, but it was prolific. I learned more about myself with her than I had at any other point in my life. She taught me kindness and stability. She taught me love and comfort. Most of all, she taught me to be true to yourself…and hadn't I done just that? My true self wanted to be _here_, didn't it?

I fell asleep with thoughts of Bella and the playground we'd spent so much time at. She always looked most beautiful outdoors, in the nighttime.

* * *

"So…here's the thing." I say to Tanya as she sits down to some strawberries and oatmeal. I'm standing over the coffee pot brewing some joe to get me through my morning.

"You have to chill down on the wedding shit. Everyone's calling you Godzilla, or something, I don't fucking know. Either way, don't upset the balance we got going on down there or everyone comes to complain to me about it." I tell her.

"I haven't done anything other than show Daniella a few swatches of fabric. It's hardly my fault that she thought putrid green was an acceptable color for any woman to wear." She complained.

"Be that as it may, Dani is a good egg. She does what I need her to and I don't really feel like arguing with her. And Phil came into my office the other day to mention it too." I tell her.

"Phil? I don't even talk to that weasel. Last time I tried, he spoke to my tits rather than my face. Why would I bother?" She shuddered and stuck her tongue out before digging into the oatmeal.

"Don't know. Don't care. I'd rather not catch shit from him either though."

I sat at the dinette with my coffee in hand. Black, and strong. I didn't do pussy shit like sugar and cream, no sir.

"Fine, I won't mention it again." She says annoyed.

"You can mention whatever you want, just don't argue with people about it alright? I feel like I'm already being scrutinized by him this week enough. He thinks I fucked up an order, so I've got enough heat on my back."

She stood from her seat to move behind me. She put her hands on my shoulders and began to rub.

"You're sure in a grumpy mood today." She says.

"Sorry…my mind was running overboard all night and I'm tired as fuck. I just want today to go smooth."

"Your mind was running overboard? Again? What were you thinking about?" She questions.

"Nothing, just the usual." I tell her, honestly.

Her hands slow.

"The usual, like down in Louisiana?" She asks and I sigh. Fuck my life.

"Yeah, some of that snuck in there." I say, this time she sighs.

"I thought you were okay with closing that chapter."

"I was. I am. It's just taking more effort than I thought it would." I look up at her and she gives me _that_ look. The one no guy wants to see from his lady.

"It's closed. Baby, I'm closing it okay?" I tell her and she moves back to her chair and sits.

"I don't think that that is true, Edward." She says.

"It is though. The past is the past…you're right. I have to learn to leave it there." I wipe my hands back and forth against each other.

"See? It's gone."

"It isn't gone Edward. If it's keeping you up at night, then it's time for us to address it for real. I think you need to take a trip back home." She tells me, looking down at the wood grain.

"What?" I ask.

"Think about it. We're starting a new life…but you need to close the old wounds before it can really begin. So…You need to go. You need to put a resolution to the conflict in your heart. And when you come home, I'll still be here. And…if you want, and things go well, I'd be okay with her being here too." She tells me.

"So…if I went down there…and if I met up with Bella, and we made amends…you're telling me I could bring McKinley here, and you'd be okay with it?" I ask, not sure if that is what she truly means.

She nods.

"I want you to be happy…and I know that you aren't, so let's change that." She looks up at me, determined.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Yeah." She nods.

I run my fingers through my hair.

"I mean…I'm still not welcome down there." I tell her.

"In the whole state? Doubtful Edward. You never signed away those rights, so you can fight for them at any time. If it comes to that, then that's what we'll do."

"And if that gets rocky, you'll be with me, all the way?" I ask her.

She lays her hand palm face up on the table for me to shake. I extend my hand to hers, and we shake on it.

"All in?" I ask.

"All in."


	5. Chapter 5

Beautiful green lawns, wooden cabins and lush marsh as far as the eye could see. It was official…I had come home. I glanced around town as I drove the Frontier I'd rented at the air port. This town was just as I remembered it. People young and old sat out on their porches drinking their lemonades and gin. There were scattered confederate flags hanging in a window or two, and lots of potted plants. It was peculiar, how tiny this place looked to me now when there had been a point in time that I couldn't imagine life beyond its walls. As a boy, it had been the size of the world.

I drove down to a small bed and breakfast that I recalled from my years as a youth. Back when I was in high school, it was a popular spot to lose your virginity at…especially come prom night. All of the parents in town were expecting their kids to stay out late dancing. None had imagined that that dancing might have been sans clothes. These walls right here had lived to see many'a'cherry get popped.

I parked the truck out front and grabbed my bag. I'd only packed one, and I used a duffel bag as opposed to my nice luggage. It was all I needed to bring, as I didn't have too many clothes up North that I could bring with me. I'd look pretty fucking weird sitting on my Mama's porch in a Gucci suit.

I made my way up to the old white wooden door. The paint had been pealing for some time, and you could make out the gray grain that had bled through. I attempted to open it gently, but it was heavy enough that it made me kind of stomp right on in.

I couldn't get over how strange this was. I felt frozen in time. Nothing had changed, and yet everything looked so different. The décor was the same exact as I had remembered. There stood a small desk where you could sign in but, the rest of the lobby looked like a library. There were old antique-y looking chairs with worn fabric and re-stained wood. The walls were stock full of built in shelving and covered in chotchkies. Little Dutch dolls, painted elephants, and some old mason jars…those kinds of things. In the shelves that hadn't been filled with knick-knacks, there were loads of classic books with worn spines and torn pages. The flooring hadn't been changed in…forever, and there was a large fireplace just made for a night of enjoying s'mores and hot cocoa. And somehow, though I'd seen all of these items before…they just looked different through the eyes of a man who had seen more of the world.

I shook off my internal dialogue and walked to the sign in book and wrote out my name on the crisp white page. Then, I pressed the tin bell that sat beside it reading "ring for service and a smile" and turned my head around to look for any sign of life.

"Just a moment!" a feminine voice drawled with a twang from somewhere in the back.

A minute later, a slightly chubby Miss Maggie May Hartford came wobbling out to greet me. God, she hadn't changed a bit, except for maybe a few new gray hairs that hadn't been there before. She was a short and stout kind of lady with rose cheeks and a bright smile. There was an air of warmth to Miss Maggie May. If you didn't have a grandma, you would wish you had one of her.

"Miss Maggie." I nodded towards her.

"Well…" She stops, all smiles. "I'll be! If it isn't Little Eddie Cullen!" She stated, putting her hand to her chest.

"Yup…it's me." I tell her smiling shyly.

"Well, my goodness, boy. I haven't seen you in what now? Been a few years, I'd bet. I read all about you in those papers. Your mama brought 'em round town. Showed 'em to anyone who would stop to see!" She beamed.

"I've done alright for myself." I say, scratching the back of my scalp, feeling kind of embarrassed to talk about my business with Miss Maggie May.

"Now, now. Don't you go on being modest with me! We're all so proud to say we know someone who actually made their name into the papers! That is somethin', alright! I bet you're livin' all kinds of glamorously up there in the big city." She says, pointing her finger out at me.

"Um, no." I chuckle. "It's actually a lot of hard work and a lot of long hours. Not much time for fun, I'm afraid…and definitely not as glamorous as Forbes makes it out to be, I'm sure." I reply.

"Hard work never hurt no one, child. And I'm sure you've met you all kinds of interesting folks up there at least. Say, you ever met somebody famous? I'll bet you must have! You ever met Kenny Chesney? Oh, he is just to die!" She drawls on.

I laugh a little. I could listen to her talk all day.

"Once, actually. Briefly, though. He performed a show at our venue and I made sure he was situated in a suite properly." I tell her.

"Oh my word! How exciting! Oh you must tell me everything. I would just keel over and die if I were in his presence!" She exclaims loudly, before catching herself. "Oh my. Would you hear me just rambling on when I'm sure you didn't come on in just to hear an old gal like me goin' on. How rude of me! I'm sorry, child. Were you needin' a room?" She asks.

"It's perfectly fine, Miss Maggie. I was hoping for a room though." I tell her.

"Well we'd just be doggone thrilled to have you stay here! How many days were you thinking, hon?" She asks.

"Uh, just indefinitely for right now. I'm not sure how long I'll be in town for so…I kinda want to leave it open ended."

"Well that's quite alright. You'll figure it out when you need to." She turns and grabs a key from the wall that is attached to a wooden plank that states a room number.

"Here you are dear. Room 9, just up the stairs and down to your left. You can't miss it, and you've done been here before!" She smiles at me.

"I'm sure I'll have no troubles. Thank you Miss Maggie." I say and hitch my bag higher on my shoulder, starting towards the stairs.

"You're welcome now. Oh, Little Eddie Cullen, breakfast is at 9 each morn! I hope to see you down in the dining room. I'd love it if you'd spill the beans on Mister Chesney!" She hollars to me.

"You got it!" I holler back behind me and make my way up the stairs.

The hallway leads to a window covered in white lace curtains and a small end table. I hang a left and make my way to room 9, where I'll be staying.

Cracking open the door, I'm accosted with the smell of dust, but that's okay. There is a queen sized bed in the center and a wood armoire in the corner. A small dresser faces the bed and there is a short, and very old television set on top of it with rabbit ears and tin foil. I toss my bag on the floor and then lay down for a moment. The comforter is paisley and the walls are a maple wood.

I grab my cell and give Tanya a ring.

"Hello?" She answers.

"Hey…I'm here." I tell her.

"How is it?!" She asks.

"Fucking weird, babe. I feel like I've entered the time warp. I haven't called my parents yet…to tell them that I'm here."

"You should get it out of the way." She tells me

"Yeah, I know…I'm just…procrastinating."

"You know, I could still hop on a plane and meet you down there, if you want." She says.

She had wanted to make the trip with me to begin with, but I knew that would cause more fires than it was likely to put out.

"No, I've got to do this on my own. I'll be fine, I'm just being a fucking punk about it." I say.

"Well…if you're sure. The offer is on the table though." She says.

"I know, babe. So, how are things going at the casino?" I ask.

"Well…alright, I suppose. Phillip is on one of his power trips, and the dealers are getting annoyed. A couple of customers have asked about you already. Everyone wants to know when you'll be home."

"I'll be done here before you know it, and then I'll be back in AC. I miss you, Ta." I mean it.

"I miss you too. Call and tell me how things go with your parents, alright?" She asks.

"Will do. Love you."

"Love youuuu!" She sings.

Now, all I've got to do is figure out how to talk to Mama and Pop.

* * *

I drive the truck down a ways to the old path to my parents' house. There are tall trees surrounding me, and I recall how I used to climb them and feel like the king of the effing world. My boyhood innocence was gone now, and I wondered if anyone ever bothered to trim them.

I made a left onto the street where Mama and Pop still lived. It was the house I'd come up in…the place where I learned how to tie my shoes and count to ten. I pulled up alongside the road across from it.

It was small as ever. A modest home made up of pale yellow slots and maroon shutters. The porch could use a good staining, and I thought I might fix that for Mama while I was here. A tire swing rocked gently as it hung from our old oak, and I could see it had been fixed up as of recent. Mama's plants were looking fresh and cheery and they greeted visitors with a proper Southern hello.

I made my way from the vehicle and stared out at it. Once I walked up those stairs and rang the bell, there wasn't any going back. I would be opening the wound, with nothing to cauterize its' flesh. Was I ready for this? No. But if I wanted to get this over with so that I could get back North then I had to get moving. Deep breaths.

I made my way up the old porch stairs and looked at the light up bell that sat next to the door frame. I pressed it once, and stood back a bit in wait. The wood squealed as she opened it, and looked at me through the screen. Mama looked well. Her auburn hair was bright and big as ever. She was wearing a casual dress with an apron tied around her waist. She looked as though she had gained a few pounds over the years, but she had never been all that heavy to begin with so it did her some good.

"Baby?" She drawled out in wonder.

"Hey Ma…" I said awkwardly raising my palm.

"Baby! Oh my Lord!" She flings herself at me and I've covered in the strongest hug of my life. I wrap my arms back around my mama and breathe in her scent. Apples and cinnamon filled my senses and if it hadn't been official before…I was most definitely home now.

"Carlisle!" she yelled. "Carlisle! Come quick!"

"Aw, Ma." I said as she started putting lipstick kisses all over my cheeks and forehead.

"Don't you, 'aw, ma' me, young man. I've not seen you in four long years and I will love you up as much as I can." She tells me as my father's voice comes rumbling out from behind her.

"What in tarnation are you squawking about, Ezzie?"

"Oh, Carlisle. Edward has come home!" She says smiling, and as she pulls away from me, I see him slowly come into view.

He looks older. His skin is slightly sallow and his eyes have lines. He's wearing a pair of old dirt jeans and a soft flannel shirt. His hair has thinned since I've last seen him but it's still pretty full. He's grown out a beard and unlike Mama, he has lost some weight.

"Hmph." He mutters. "Has he now?" He asks.

"Pop." I say to him, with a strong jaw. Mama has her right arm tucked around my back, as if she is afraid to let go.

"Son." He regards me in the same, stiff tone I gave to him. After a moment of looking at me, he turns his neck towards the house.

"I'm fixing to eat me a sandwich. You comin', boy?" He says.

"Sure." I reply with a small nod and Mama's smile gets bigger and she ushers me inside the place.

I make my way over to the old gray sofa where Pop and I used to watch football on the set. Even the sofa smells the same. I pause to look around. The house is littered with picture frames on the walls and a shit-ton of ornaments. Typical Mama. She loved to display all types of random things, and if she could fit a nail in it, it would be tacked onto her walls.

"Wish I'da known you were coming, Eddie. I could've prepared something more fancy for ya." She says as she brings over a tray of bologna on white.

"Boy's eaten his fair share of fancy food, Ez. Don't you go coddling him." Pop tells her.

"I can coddle my only son if I like, you old rag." She walks to the kitchen and comes back to hand each of us a lemonade in tall, clear glasses. She has placed a slice of lemon in each of them for a more elegant touch.

"Bologna's fine, Mama." I say. Pop smirks and shakes his head grabbing a sandwich from the platter.

"You'd better believe it is. Managed to keep your belly full, many'a days." He grumbles.

"It's fine, Pop." I respond.

"Your mama's not no get-you-what-you-want go-to waitress, so don't you forget it, boy."

"I said bologna's fine." I reiterate, again.

"The boy says he's fine, Carlisle. Stop antagonizing him!" Mama scolds.

We eat in silence. Pop hasn't really come around much, in the four years I've been gone I see. Not that he and I had ever had overly warm relationship to begin with. He always thought that to make me a man meant to teach me to be tough. So he never came at me with hugs, kisses and fairytales. And when times got tough, he didn't sugarcoat anything to me. He was brutal and honest and never hesitated to hand me a shovel and send me out back so as to put me to hard labor. It wasn't that he didn't love me, because I know better than to assume he didn't…but he wanted to see me thrive and didn't know how else to accomplish it. Rough and tough was all that he knew how to be, and he wanted his only son to follow in those footsteps.

When Bella came along, he had had about enough of me and my not being everything he had hoped for. He thought I handled everything in my life wrong. The fact that I wanted to move up North made him very angry. "Why ain't you more proud of your roots, kid? Come, let me show you how to hunt some gator." So as you can imagine, he had thought that how I handled everything about the situation with Bella was wrong, including being with her in the first place.

"You got no business spendin' so much time round someone so young." he'd say after I'd come in from an evening of taking her out. She had been seventeen at the start, but I was only 21. I wasn't exactly robbing the cradle.

And then, when she showed up pregnant, he told me, with an angry shake of his head, "You really done it this time, boy."

I was told that I needed to marry her and the sooner the better. "Don't you go ruining that girl's reputation. You get her a ring and a house and you set things right. Folks'll believe it's a honeymoon baby. Ain't nobody got to know otherwise."

When I told him I was moving in with her and her Daddy instead, he was visibly ashamed of my decisions. "How is it I haven't managed to teach you better?" He'd say with sorrow in his voice.

"That was delicious." I tell Mama after I've finished my sandwich, shaking my head free of those thoughts.

"I'm quite glad you liked it, my son." She beamed and grabbed my hand.

"Come on now, I'd like to show you somethin'." She says pulling me by the arm.

We walk over to the hallway leading to the bathroom. There, on the wall amongst the random knick-knacks sits a long black frame with the article Forbes had written about me inside. The photograph they used has me dressed in my finest suit, my style as impeccable as it had ever been.

"I put this up here day after it came out. Woulda put it up sooner, save for needin' a frame. Eddie, even though you weren't here, I thought 'bout ya…all the time. We are so proud of you sweetheart." She kisses my cheek and I stare at it some more.

I really had accomplished something incredible. From here to there in so little time…I mean, it felt good to see this in my childhood home.

"You know…Pop's not so proud, Mama." I say.

"Oh, you ignore your daddy. He's proud of ya. He's just'a big old grump anyways. He can't admit it." She puts on a happy face and squeezes my forearm.

"Thank you Mama." I say and kiss the side of her head.

I look over at the other photos scattered on the wall, when I see it. A framed picture of Mama with McKinley. I walk down a ways to stand in front of it.

"You get to see her, Mama?" I ask in a voice I don't quite recognize.

"Oh, well…yes, son. Took us some time convincing, but Bella came around. Said 'you can't never have too much family.' We get to have her over here one weekend each month. She sure is a precious little thing."

"She's why I came back, you know. I thought I should meet her." I say honestly.

"Don't you go messing with that girl's life." Pop interrupts from behind me.

"She don't need your fancy clothes and five-star cuisine. She's just good and fine without you comin' along to rock the boat. Leave it be." He says.

"Carlisle, come now…" Mama intercedes.

"No. I'll not 'come now' Esme Lynn."

"Ma, don't argue with him. Pop, she's my kid, I can see her if I want to." I tell him.

"Like hell you will. You get somethin' straight here, boy. When you left you done took a piece of your mama's heart with ya. That there baby has given it back to her. You do anything to so much as _interrupt_ the relationship your mama has built with that child and I'll see to it you find yourself in a world of pain. You understand me?"

"I'm not gonna automatically fuck it up, Dad." I tell him.

"You're sure not, because you are going to stay away. You keep your nose where it belongs and away from those you've wronged. Do what I ask this _one_ time in your life! For Pete's sake, you've done enough. Everyone is happy, back off!" He says.

"With all due respect sir, this isn't your business." I tell him.

"The hell it's not! You didn't sit up consoling your cryin' Mama, boy. I did."

"Carlisle, please…" Mama interrupts.

"You didn't see her begging to see her grandbaby! I did. You left you some carnage behind, don't you be thinkin' you can come along and trudge it all back up. I'll not have it!"

I don't respond…because what is there to say? I'm not here to cause damage, but he won't believe me if I tell him so. All that I want to do is repair a relationship with my daughter. She is young enough that we can still make it work in some type of healthy fashion, and she deserves as much. So why is he arguing? Why does he think I'd want to hear about my mother's pain? It's fucking gutting me.

"I'll be in my chair." He grumbles and heads back to the living room.

I look over at Mama, who seems impossibly sad.

"Don't you mind your father. He's just…"

"A grumpy old man. I got it, Mama" I cut her off with a small smile.

"Right. If you want to see that baby, I'm sure you'll get Bella to come around. She's a good girl." Mama says, patting my chest.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Mama." I tell her sincerely.

"You didn't do nothing to me, son. Boys become men, and when they grow, they've got to leave their Mamas. I'd always known you'd leave the nest some day, I just missed you is all."

"Did you really beg Bella to see McKinley?" I ask.

"I wouldn't use the word beg. Bargain, perhaps." She sighs.

"I don't want to think on it, it is in the past. Now," she exclaims, "Would you like me to make up your old room for ya?"

"Oh, no. That's okay Mama…I got a room, over at Maggie May's B&B."

"A room? Boy that won't do! You are home! You oughta be with family." She tells me.

"Ah, Ma. With Pop being the way he is, I just thought it would be better to put some space between us for a while, you know?" I reply.

"But we haven't seen you in so long…"

"You'll see me as much as you'd like, alright? I'll give you my cell phone number so that you can call at any time." I tell her.

"Well, alright. But you'll come runnin' if I call, won't ya?" She asks.

"Faster than Forrest Gump, Mama."

She giggles and hugs me.

"It's so nice to have you home, son."

"Thanks, Ma. So um…listen. Like I said, I wanted to come here to meet McKinley. You wouldn't happen to know where I should go about to see Bella, would you?"

"Well…I suppose if I were you, I'd start over at Newton's Outdoors. She's been workin' there a good minute." She tells me.

"She's working for Newton? Really?" I ask, with my face scrunched.

Michael Newton had always hit on Bella back then and she hadn't appreciated it.

"Yep. She seems to enjoy it there." She stops and looks at my face.

"Edward, son…" She approaches gently. Just…be gentle with her. She's been dealt a rough hand. You need to use a careful touch." She tells me.

"Of course, Mama. I want to make things better, not worse." I say.

"Still, tread lightly. I know you mean well, but she's got some sass on her now. Don't you go givin' her a reason to let it out okay? For both y'all's sake."

"I know what I'm doin' Mama. I promise." I tell her

"Well…if you're sure."

I'm sure. I've got a plan already set in mind on how I'll win her over. All I need to do is make a quick stop to a bakery, and hopefully within no time at all, I'll be standing in front of Bella with a smile on her face.

And what could go wrong?


	6. Chapter 6

The next morning, I woke up early. I had a real pep in my step. Today was the big day; the first of the rest of my life. I was doing this for real. God, I hadn't thought about seeing Bella since the day I signed the custody papers and now that I was going to, I was kind of…exhilarated. I wondered how she would look, if she'd still bite her lip when she was embarrassed, or if she'd smile the way she used to. Had she ever gone back to school, like she wanted? Did she have a good life so far? And, after the initial shock, would part of her be happy to see me again too?

My head was full of so many questions, and I was anxious to discover it all.

Was her skin still as soft? Did she blush just the same? Was there a sigh in her voice when she'd speak my name?

There was also the whole added layer of McKinley. Would she be excited to finally meet her Daddy? Would she know anything about me already? Was she going to like me at all?

I wasn't sure what I wanted ultimately, but I knew that I wanted us to be a family. Granted, it would be unconventional, with me being up north, and them being down home, but I'd come visit and they could visit me. Bella and I, we could become great friends and co-parents to a little girl that deserved to have both of us in her life. And, as an added bonus, she'd gain Tanya as a step parent as well. Would she view Tanya as evil because so many fairytales always painted stepparents as such? If that was the case, I hoped we could rectify that stereotype ASAP.

I took an extra long time in the shower that morning, and I made sure to shave every last hair from my face, I styled my hair, practically one by one and brushed my teeth three times. I wore a pair of navy blue slacks, and a light blue striped sport shirt. I checked myself out and I'd say I looked professional, yet casual. I went downstairs and had a nice breakfast of waffles and oatmeal with Miss Maggie May… minus the coffee, of course. I'd have liked to have downed it, but I could not have yellow stained teeth during today's excursion. I waved her goodbye as she smooched my cheeks, and ran up to the coffee shop to get my Mama some breakfast. She'd always enjoyed a real coffee shop egg sandwich with the good Canadian ham and cheddar. I grabbed food for Pop too, because even though he and I were at odds most of the time, he was my Pop and I'd do anything for him. I'd buy him a boat, if only he asked.

"You're here!" Mama greeted me as she opened the door. She gave me another big hug and smiled up at me. "Wasn't expectin' to see you back so soon, but I can't say I'm not pleased as punch!"

"Thought I'd bring you guys breakfast." I told her, holding up the bag.

"Sweetheart! You needn't bring us breakfast. I could've scrambled us up some eggs if your belly was rumbling and grumbling." Mama told me.

"No, Mama." I laughed a little. "I'm not hungry, I ate with Miss Maggie May but you work hard so, I wanted someone to treat you for once."

"Oh, honey." She smiled at me, putting her hand on my cheek. "Don't you worry 'bout me. I enjoy feedin' my hungry men"

"Not like the boy don't have enough money, Ezzie." Pop told her, rumbling up behind us.

"The _boy_ earned that money himself, Carlisle. He doesn't have to be wastin' it on us." She says.

We make our way to the kitchen and I pass the sandwiches onto plates while Mama busies herself pouring a pitcher of orange juice into glasses on a tray. I don't know why she bothers with a tray…we're just going to take them off immediately anyway. But, she's Mama and what Mama says goes.

"I'll have ya know that I supported my Paw from the day he done quit workin' 'til he had to go on to the Hospital. Edward could afford to chip in a bit round here too."

"Carlisle..." Mama started, but I cut her off.

"No, he's right. I'm actually one step ahead of you, Pop. I was thinking when I got here yesterday that I'd like to stain the porch for you and Mama. It's been some time since it's been treated." I told him.

"Well. I'd say that's a start, boy. But I got a leak in the sprinkler system too. Grass is getting' awfully yella out back. Gone' have to dig it up, fix the line. Lay down some seed. You think you can handle helpin' an old man with somethin' like that?" He asks. It's an olive branch, and I'll not only accept it, I'll do him one better.

"You don't have to do that, Pop. I could get you a new one…one that you could operate from inside the house. We could even get it installed by professionals, if you want." I say.

"Cut that nonsense with your fancy money and you're spend spend spend. Nothing wrong with the one I got, just needs some tinkering is all. Aint got to throw away everything once its broke, you know. You fixing to help me or not?" he grumbles.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll help." I say.

"Good." He takes a large gulp of orange juice and looks at me. "Edward, let me ask you somethin'. It'll give you somethin' to think on. What good will you ever be to a woman if you don't know how to get ya damn hands dirty? You think your missus is gone wait for some install-man when her water boiler is broken and she's freezing to the bone? You need to toughen up, son. Learn to be a real man. That's how I got your Mama. She knew she aint never had to worry 'bout having no one to depend on, 'cause she'd always got me." He tells me.

"Carlisle, that's _not_ how you got me!" Mama says with a smile.

"Yeah? How'd I get ya then?" He asks, looking at her.

"It was your kind nature, my dear." She says and I sput out some OJ.

Pop? Kind natured? What designer brand of rose colored glasses did the man buy her?!

"I ain't kind, woman. I'm a right old redneck. Don't get you me confused with those marshmallow eatin' hippies down in the wetlands."

"Well, alright, I'll admit it wasn't _just_ the kindness. It was a bit of that cute little tush of your's." She giggles and wraps her arms around his shoulders. "It was always so firm and tiny, and when we were datin' I loved to poke it all the time!"

Dad nudges her off and I try not to gag.

"Ezzie, not in front of the boy. You're bound to give him colitis."

I clear my throat and decide to change the subject.

"Actually, Pop...Hippies are pretty peace loving spirited people…Most of them are vegetarians, so they probably wouldn't be eating marshmallows…" I say.

"What you talkin' bout boy? There aint no animal in marshmallow. It's a sweet! You really been sheltered up there in your fancy office suite now haven't ya?" He asks.

"No…I'm serious. Pop, they have gelatin in them. So…" I tell him.

"Right, exactly like I said, they're a sweet! Esme, what is the boy squawking about now?" he says, interrupting me.

Mama pats his head as he swings it around to look at her.

"Of course it's a sweet dear." She tells him, and I concede to just agree. He's a stubborn man, no point in arguing.

"Okay, fine. Hippies love marshmallows, Pop. You're absolutely right. Hey…Ma, speaking of sweets, do you know if Sweet Cheeks still around?" I ask.

"Oh yes, right where it always was. I buy an apple pie there every Sunday after Church. Helps out the community, you know. You will come with us to church this week, won't ya Eddie?" she sing songs.

"Can we see how it goes? I haven't been to church since I left the South. I'm not sure I'm up for the Southern Baptists" I say.

"You haven't been to Church in _four years_, Edward?!" Mama cries out.

"Well…I have been kinda busy, Mother!" I defend.

"Child, you're never too busy to make time for the Lord." she tsks. "You're goin' this Sunday." She tells me matter-of-factly.

"Like I said, we'll see Mama." I say.

"You're goin' Edward. You listen to your mama." Pop intervenes.

"I don't know what's going to happen once I meet up with Bella, though. If she says I can see McKinley on Sunday, then that is where I'm going to need to be." I tell them.

"Bella goes to church, Edward. You. Are. Goin'!" and what Mama says, goes.

But…I didn't see the point in going, honestly. I still believed in Christ and all, but why did I need to go to a house of worship? I sent in my donations…I prayed when someone was in need and I lived as decently as I could. Just seemed like a waste of a perfectly good Sunday to me.

* * *

Sweet Cheeks Bakeria had been the best bakery in town when I was still living here. They made a little of something for everybody…all kinds of cookies, cakes, and pies. Any fat kid's dream, really. I wasn't coming in to browse their shelves today, though. This particular trip had a purpose. I knew what I wanted to buy, and if I do say so myself, I thought it was a pretty clever way to get back in Bella's good graces.

When we met at that house party so long ago, I had made her nervous. She was inexperienced and shy, and here I was some ball buster trying to get her undressed as quickly as possible. She wasn't stupid, though, and she saw right through my bullshit. In fact, I had to bargain with the chick just to get her to let me take her out. She'd only agree to go with me if I promised not to try and kiss her. I thought at the time that she was just trying to make me work for it, playing real hard to get. I understand now that that probably wasn't the case. She was more than likely a bit frightened. That night, when I picked her up, she'd done her hair up all nice and she her face kept turning redder than a fresh autumn's apple. I asked her what was in that Tupperware container, and she had said, "Raspberry lemon squares…they're my favorite." I must have given her a strange look, because she was quick to stammer out that her Daddy always brought something with him when he went somewhere, and she hadn't wanted to forget her manners by coming along empty handed.

But…we were going out to dinner and no one brought goodies along to dinner, well mannered or otherwise. That was what first clued me into her nerves. The squares were a security blanket for her and a way for her to keep her hands busy on what was most likely one of her first dates.

To be honest though, they were pretty disgusting. Very tart in flavor and their color was…bizarre and off putting. But…they were Bella's favorite, and seeing as how _I_ wanted to be her favorite guy, I had kept that tidbit of information stored in my memory bank for future use and today I was finally ready to cash in.

Now that I was going to be coming back to her, humbled in my apologies, I wanted her to know that I could still be romantic; that I could remember her favorite food, even if we hadn't spoke of it in five long years. She'd be taken off guard by that, I imagined, and all the defenses she was liable to have built up would be broken down, if not momentarily at least. I could use that time to explain to her why I was here and what I was hoping we could agree to…and then we would be in business. A nibble before an amends, much like a handshake and a glass of whisky before a contract got inked.

I opened the glass door of the bakery and was taken aback by the size. It was fucking small, dude. There were only two glass cases filled with baked goods, and a counter that sat on it a cash register. Had it always been this way? I wondered. I could remember coming in as a boy with my Grandfather looking around in awe of all the delicious shit I could load in my belly. I'd wanted it all.

"Well, well, well. Look at who it is." The voice behind the counter spoke with condescension. I had been looking down at the case which is why I hadn't noticed her. The voice was all I needed though, because it was a voice that I knew well.

"Mary-Alice." I said, looking up at her in response.

"Eddie. Didn't think I'd ever see you again. Least not 'round here." She replied with a bit of her usual attitude.

See, I grew up with Mary-Alice Brandon. She was a spunky kid, who used to push boys down and then shout at them about it. She pushed me once, and I decided to put a bug in her hair as retaliation. But then she cried…and I'd felt awful about it. I brought her a dandelion to say that I was sorry and naturally, her response was to push me down again.

Real spitfire, she was.

She calmed down come high school though and as these things go, we had dated for a while. Her's was the boob I ever touched bare, and it's a memory I hold to this day. We gave each other our virginities in the bed of her father's pick-up truck one night, and the very next day she broke up with me. Her reason? She told me I sucked in bed because I made her bleed. Good times.

She'd grown over the years to become very pretty. Her hair was black, waist long and straight. Her body was narrow and slender. Her sparkly blue eyes were piercing and the eyebrow ring she wore made them appear more prominent than they had looked without it.

"You know me, full of surprises." I say in response.

"Surprises? Is _that_ what we're callin' shit these days?" she smiles in condescension.

"Oh, Mary-Alice, how you never change." I tell her with a smile. It was nice to see that she hadn't changed a bit.

"Now, Ed_ward,_" she says sarcastically, "I'd reckon you've changed enough for the both of us."

"I'm still me, Alice." I say, trying my old accent on for size.

Her shoulders drop along with her bravado and she sighs.

"I suppose y'are. Even in those fancy do-gooder pants." With a shake of her head, she continues. "What can I get ya?" Her are eyebrows high.

"Can I have a box of those gross looking raspberry lemon squares?" I ask.

"How many you want? The box size I give ya changes based upon how many you want in the damn thing." She puts her hand on her hip and gives me the universal face for 'duh.'

"Fuck, I don't know. Five or six?"

She grabbed a white box from below the counter and folded it together. She filled it with the grossly-mauve colored treats and taped it shut. As her fingers moved nimbly, I noticed a large diamond on her left hand.

"That's some rock you got there, Mary-Alice." I tell her, nodding to her finger.

"Well, some fellas aren't so afraid of commitment, unlike you." She said while ringing me up. "That'll be six oh eight."

"I'm not afraid of commitment. Just the opposite in fact." I tell her, handing her a credit card.

"Really now? That's not what your permanent record says. Jury says you're a big old runaway when tested with fight or flight. Tell me, has Bella seen you round, yet?" she asks, handing my card back.

"No, ma'am, but I'm hoping to see her today. I'm not my past, Alice. Just so you know." I say.

She hands me the slip to sign and laughs at me.

"Whatever you say, Mister Cullen. Good luck, Eddie. 'Cause you never know when you might just need it."

* * *

I drove my way over to Newton's Outdoors. The shop was in pretty good condition, and I'm not surprised. Mr. Newton had been pretty obsessive compulsive in my youth, and his store was a great source of pride. He spent all his time there, rarely coming home to see his wife and kids. It had surprised everyone when he announced his plans to leave it over to his shit-brained son Michael once he was ready to retire. Until then, I was pretty sure he loved the store more than he loved him and I still wouldn't be surprised if he disowned the kid after he fucked it up.

I parked in the lot and decided not to go straight on in. I decidedly a good pep talk first. I detoured into the shop next door…a local florist that was advertising orchids in window friendly paints. I asked the overly friendly man in the front to use the facilities and soon found myself face-to-face with an old rusted mirror.

I ran my fingers through my hair, to make it look more like it had when Bella and I were together. She remembered me that way, and I thought the nostalgia might help make her feel comfortable. I rubbed at the fine lines that I wore on my eyes, hoping to make them lighter so that she wouldn't see them. The long hours and little sleep had aged me some, I admit. I checked my teeth for any remnant food, sniffed my armpits (just in case) and cleared my throat.

Let's practice.

"Hey Bell. You miss me?" I say to the mirror and then shake my head. No, Edward, you're letting your arrogance shine through.

"Bella…how's it goin'?" I said, shooting my fingers out like pistols. No, that was even worse. I wasn't in a fucking cowboy movie. What was I doing?

"Bella," I said in a serious tone, "I've come to talk." Nope. Too "Luke...I am your father" like.

I sighed. This wasn't working. I was so out of practice. I hadn't had to _try_ with a girl in so long. I hadn't even had to try with Tanya. She and I just sort of fell into place together. This was starting to freak me out. I could stand in front of three hundred business men and address them like they were nothing more than little puppets…but Bella? Could I do this?

Then I began to think. Maybe I was going about this all wrong. I'd always been an over thinker, it's what made me so good at what I did, but clearly, I was over thinking this and not in a good way. Just go in, Edward. Say hello and go from there, I tell myself. And it wasn't a _bad_ idea… it just wasn't very well thought out either. There was no logic to configure here, no real way to weigh one action versus another. I was going to have to wing it, completely and I really fucking hated doing that.

Grabbing the lemon squares from my rental truck, I slowly wandered into Newtons. I looked for her, but the shelves were fairly high, and I couldn't see her standing anywhere off of the bat. Judging her mood from a distance seemed like a pretty good idea to me, so I really did want to see her before approaching. I walked over to the fishing supply section because it had the tallest of the lanes to support the rods it was housing. I casually peered overhead to see what was happening at the cashier's station. There was a woman there, but it wasn't Bella. She had tight curls and she was popping her gum like there was no tomorrow. Bella had some curl in her hair, but it was pretty loose and she never popped gum.

I sighed. Bella probably worked in the back. If I wanted to see her, I was going to have to ask for her. I tugged on my collar before finally making my way over to the counter.

"Hi, there." The woman addressed me with a grin. "You find what you needed okay?" She asks.

"No, uh, actually, I'm looking for a woman named Bella? Is she here?" I ask.

"You're here for Bella?" Her smiles widens before turning her head behind her.

"Hey Bella! Some fella's here to see you. He's kinda cute!" She hollers.

"Be there in a second!" Bella's voice calls and I'm taken back. I haven't heard that sound in a very long time. I'm not sure of what emotion I'm feeling but my stomach aches.

"I'm Brittany." The cashier tells me.

"O..Oh?" I kind of stutter.

"Yeah…everybody calls us B and B, on account that we always work same shift and our names begin with the letter B. B&B…like bed and breakfast, you know?"

"That's…clever." I say.

"Not really. We get the occasional B cup bra joke, and that isn't really my cup of tea. Say, do ya like tea?" She says conversationally. "We got a self service machine, right back there in that corner for our guests." She points to the back of the store.

"Oh, no thank you. I'm okay." I tell her…I feel like I'm in that goddamn fog all over again. Stuttering over my words like a teenager that got caught watching an x-rated flick.

Bella comes charging through the back doors with a large box in her hand. She glances at me quickly before saying, "be with ya in just a minute, sir" before trucking down the aisle.

I watch as she walks in amazement. She looks…great. Her hair is shorter and she has bangs now. Her body has gotten fuller and she's wearing a pale yellow polka dot dress, covered in a Newton's apron. Bella always loved polka dots, and seeing her still wearing them is…surreal. I can't get a good look at her face, because she's quickly stocking a shelf.

"Fudge off, you stupid!" she complains to the shelf as one of her items pinches her finger.

I should go over there and offer to help, but I can't. I'm frozen solid.

"We got coffee too, and hot chocolate back there. You can help yourself, really." Brittany informs me.

"I'm fine." I say.

Bella finishes the shelf before breaking down the box and chucking it into a closet nearby. I turn to face Brittany, all of a sudden completely terrified.

"Sorry 'bout that. I was bound to drop the darn thing on my toe if I didn't make it out there, so I had to rush so I could put it down. What can I do for ya today?" she says to my back side.

I turn slowly and get a good look at her…and fuck my life, because she's as beautiful as she ever was.

"Oh my…" She whispers.

"Edward?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Edward?" Bella gasps quietly. Her eyes are widened and the pupils dilated.

My fingers are shaky, and I can't help but stare at her. I'm not at all sure what to say, but if I don't say something soon, the silence will become uncomfortable for us both, so, my mouth opens.

"Hi. I say, lamely.

"Hi…" she breathes back, sucking in a large breath of air.

"I, um…I didn't know you were in town. You visitin' your folks?" she asks.

"Oh, um…yeah, yeah I've seen them. They're well" I say, scratching the back of my head.

"That's…great, then." She puts on an awkward smile. "So…uh, you goin' campin'?" she asks, her voice is quiet.

"Huh? No." I tell her, confused by the question.

And this is exactly why I wanted to plan ahead. I look like a fucking joke to her, I'm sure. I have no idea what to say or what to do and I'm fairly certain the facial expression I'm wearing rivals that of one who is battling constipation. This isn't going at all as I had hoped.

"Fishin' then?" she tries again.

"No."

"Well…what brings you into Newtons, if you're not plannin' on doing something outdoors? You lookin' for something specific?" she asks.

"Yeah, I was…actually. You." I say, honestly. I'm pretty much ready to cut to the chase at this point.

"Me?" She asks in wonder.

"Why on earth would you be lookin' for me?" this one's filled with confusion.

"Well," I start. "It has been a while. I thought that we could talk…Maybe when you get off work, we could meet up for some coffee?" I request casually.

"I don't drink the stuff. And why're you talkin' like that?" she asks, a strange look on her face.

"Like what?" I ask.

"Like a Yankee."

"Uh…I don't know. I've been living up North… I guess it just sort of rubbed off on me." I tell her.

"I've been well aware of your whereabouts, Edward. Don't you think?" she says. Her voice has changed. It had gone from one of surprise and wonder to aggravation and annoyance.

"Yeah, but I mean, you asked about…"

"No I didn't ask you where you picked up that phony accent, I asked _why_ you were talkin' that way. You haven't been gone _that_ long. You sound ridiculous." She cuts me off.

"Uh, sorry." I said. What else could I say? She wasn't being very receptive and I was becoming a fucking wreck over here.

"So, um, listen…about that coffee…If you'll come, you could get some tea instead, you know… if you like." I tell her.

She shakes her head no.

"Don't think it's a good idea. Can't reckon what you and I'd need to talk about. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work…" she goes to walk behind the counter besides Brittany, who is still standing there kind of dumbfounded, looking between us like a game of ping-pong.

"Should I like, give y'all a minute or somethin'?" She asks.

"Please…" I say, while Bella says a definitive "No." at the same time.

"Brittany you scoot your butt right here, you needn't be goin' anywhere. This man was just leavin' anyway." She tells her.

"Bella, come on. Just hear me out." I say impassioned.

"I think I'm just gonna…" Brittany points behind herself. "Sorry, Bella. I didn't know." She whispers as she walks through the double doors Bella just came from.

Bella stands with her arms crossed beneath her breasts. Her skin is flushed with annoyance and she won't look me in the face. I still have that stupid box in my hands and hello, flashlight moment. This would probably be the time to break out my secret weapon. It is what I've brought it for, after all.

"I brought you something." I tell her, handing out the bakery box.

She looks at it strangely.

"What is that?" she asks.

"A peace offering." I tell her, and hold it a little further outwards.

She accepts the box and peals back the tape to peer inside. She looks at the squares before sighing.

"You remember, don't you? On our first date, you..." I say.

She slams the box shut, her face a quick flash of anger before quickly masking it over with nonchalant annoyance again.

"You don't ever learn nothin', do you?" she says, half angrily, half sad.

Huh?

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"You come 'round here lookin' to talk and your first thought is to butter me up with some doggone lemon squares!? I don't want these, Edward. Take 'em back." she tells me, trying to hand the box back.

"No, I want you to have them…"

"No. Not until you learn yourself a thing or two." She places the box down on the counter and looks me over.

"Why are you here, Edward? And be frank with me. I'd like the truth." She wonders.

"I told you…I'd like to talk. But I can't really articulate everything I'm trying to say in the middle of Newtons' cashier's line…please. Meet with me tonight. It's just a warm beverage and some getting reacquainted. I'll be a perfect gentleman, I promise." I tell her.

She bites down on that plump pink bottom lip of hers and her eyes roll up in contemplation. She's thinking about it, at least.

"Alright…" She sighs. "Fine. I'm willing to hear what you've got to say, but only once. Tonight at seven. I'll show at Perk Up, but if you're late, I'm leavin'."

I do an internal fist pump. Hells yeahs.

"That's absolutely fair. Thank you."

"Now get on out of here 'fore I get in trouble for having a social call when I've got a whole shipment's worth of boxes to unload." She pushes the bakery box I brought her closer towards me.

"Keep those, please. I'll see you tonight. Seven. At Perk Up." I tell her.

"Yeah, alright. I'll see ya." She runs her little fingers over the edge of the box.

"I'll see ya!" I repeat with a wide smile.

I slowly start to make my way to the door, but I can't help but continue to look back behind me. She's staring down at the box, almost like it's a wild snake that she's scared to touch…but her finger keeps running, back and forth across the corners none the less. I can see that her breath is steady and even as she inhales and exhales slower than she normally would. Whatever it is I'm feeling, I know that she's feeling something too.

I desperately want to go back over there and put my hand over hers…to give her some type of reassurance that everything will be alright…but I know that it isn't my place to do so anymore and I have to just keep on walking. There is a sting deep inside my chest, and I pray it dissipates once we wade through the awkward.

* * *

I had some time to kill while Bella was at work, and I knew I had to break this pussy footing bullshit that had seemed to invade my body when I was around her, so I had an idea. There had been a tavern here, back when I was in college called The Greenhouse. My boys and I used to spend a lot of time there, just shootin' the shit, hittin' on girls and attempting to play pool. None of us had money, so we'd pile what we could together and buy the cheapest watered down shit we could find at the nearest beverage hut and just fucking…slam it in the parking lot before coming in. This way we got to be drunk off our asses and then, if we had to buy a girl a drink to get her attention, at least it was the only thing on our bar tab.

This time, I was a paying costumer for real. I figured I would throw in a large tip, to make up for all the drinks I _didn't_ buy when I was a kid.

I stepped inside and inhaled deep. Cigarettes and booze…smelled just like the casino. Yeah, I could get relaxed in this motherfucker, alright.

I walked over to the torn cushioned wood-back stool and sat down. Now this place, looked exactly as I remembered. Long worn bar, neon beer signs, a shabby old pool table and scattered groups of twenty-somethings sitting around getting a buzz. I nod my head to the guy tending bar, and say "Heineken" to him. The green bottle slides my way, wrought with condensation and icy cold goodness. I bring it to my lips and savor the deep rich taste that fills my mouth.

Mm…fuck yeah, that's good. I'm about halfway in when I fill a fingertip tap my shoulder.

"Hey you." She says, and I turn to look at her.

Jessica. An old college hook-up. And, fuck if she wasn't looking crazy up to par. Her tall lean legs are tanned and they lead up to a denim skirted ass that had always looked fuhhhhmazing naked. Her brunette tresses used to fling back and forth when she took it from behind, and she was always down for… anything. If I were a single man, I'd venture a look at her tits, but decided it was best to refrain, lest I get a boner that I'll have to take care of myself.

"Jessica," I raise my bottle to her. "How you been?" I ask.

"Better, now that you're in town." She tells me breathily and has a seat in the stool to my left.

"I heard you were here, but can't say I believed it, 'til just now seein' you with my own two eyes. You're lookin' mighty good." She smiles.

"Thanks." I smile. "You're still aces, I see. Time's been treating you well, huh?"

"Mm hmm, hasn't been too bad. I am a little thirsty tonight, though." She tells me and I laugh lightly.

"Real subtle hint there, Jess. Bar Tender…" I call and wave him over with my hand.

"What'll it be?" He asks.

"Cranberry vodka spritz, please." She smiles to him, shaking her shoulders from side to side.

"On my tab." I add in with a nod. The tender nods and goes to prep her cocktail.

"So…" she says. "I put a few dollars in the juke box. You want to go dance?"

The bar tender brings over her drink, and she sips it lightly, giving her lips a quick lick.

"Ah, I can't." I say.

"Sure you can. I've seen those legs'a'your's in action before. Ya always knew how to move real sexy like." She walks her middle and index fingers up my chest. "The new accent's pretty sexy too."

I grasp her hand and gently move it off of me and back onto the bar.

"I can't, Jess." I say.

"Well, why not?" She said with her lips pouted.

"I have someone… up North." I tell her honestly.

"Well…" She pauses. "That's alright. It's just a dance, Cullen." She says.

I swallow down the rest of my beer and quickly order another.

"I've danced with you before, Jessica. It's never just a dance."

"But it could be! You were single then, that doesn't count. I can be a good girl now, ya have my word." She holds out her hand in what she thinks the boy scout's honor gesture looks like, but is really just some random configuration.

"Jessica Stanley, you've never been a good girl a day in your life." I tell her with a laugh.

"Well…I'm trying to reform?" She shrugs and asks as if it's a question.

I laugh a little and then look her in the eye.

"You do look good Jess, but I'm gonna pass, alright?"

"Okay, okay. You should know it's your loss though." She tells me sing song, with a pout on her lips.

"You're probably right." I say.

I chug down some more of my beer and sigh.

"So, someone really tamed you, huh?" she asks.

"I think it's more of circumstances forcing me into taming myself." I tell her.

"Well if your mind changes and you ever want to fool around…" She starts with a smile.

"Don't think a man would soon forget an offer like that."

She sighs.

"If we aren't gonna play, you should know that Emmett's here." She informs.

I turn to look around. Emmett and I were thick as thieves back in the day. He was the one who threw that house party where I met Bella at.

"Where?" I ask.

"Over in that corner." She points. "He took you leavin' pretty hard. I consoled him though." She says straight faced, but then her mouth shoots up with a cat-that-ate-the-canary smile.

"Wouldn't expect anything less." I laugh.

"I can't help it, okay!?" she laughs with me. "I like boys."

"Come on, you." I say and put my arm around her so as her neck is in my elbow. "Let's go say hi."

We walk over to the table where Emmett's seated. He's with a few mutual friends, but I am surprised to see Michael Newton amongst the group. I stand behind Emmett's head and move my mouth by his ear.

"YO ASSHOLE." I shout with a grin.

His head turns quick, ready to fight until he realizes it's me.

"YOU FUCKING DICK!" He gets out of his chair and quickly puts me in a choke hold. He noogies my head and starts laughing.

"GENTLEMEN, WE GOT A GRADE A DOUCHE BAG BACK IN TOWN!" He shouts across the bar and random guys cheer.

I push him off me, red from laughter, when all my old college buddies jump in on top of me to wrestle me to the ground.

"Boys, boys. Calm your testosterone, seriously." Jessica crows.

"Alright, alright! I give!" I yell, as they scamper off of me and Emmett lends a hand to help me back up.

"It's good to see you, you fucking prick." I tell him, giving him our old handshake slash hug with a laugh.

"The fuck you been? You missed everything up in ya fancy city, you punk."

"I was off bein' a grown up, unlike you jerk offs who've been sittin' here on your fat asses getting' drunk."

"Hey, your accent's back." Jess says from the table.

"Hey yo, fuck off Cullen. You missed Emmett's weddin', douche." Jake tells me.

"And Mary-Alice's." Bobby interjects.

"Fuck, you're married dude?" I ask.

He grins and holds up his left hand to show his ring.

"Fuck, and Mary-Alice is married?…Oh, for fuck's sake, tell me you did not marry Mary-Alice." I say, paling.

"Fuuuuuuuuck no. Bitch has teeth in her cooter, I like my twig and berries." He says.

"Twig is right." Laughs Jake.

"Man, fuck you." Emmett sidelines.

"I married Rosie." He says.

Rosie...I remembered Rosie. She was the chubby girl way back when. In elementary she got picked on for being heavy and she got super mad. She went on a diet, dyed her hair platinum blonde and went around becoming the biggest bitch this side of Kentucky. She and I were never friends OR enemies…but you couldn't be in this town and not know all about Rosie.

"She still a bitch?" I ask.

"Yep. And I love every minute of it. And don't your ass call her that, she's my wife now. I'll cut you." He grins.

"Or she will." Jessica snorts, sipping her drink.

"Who did Mary-Alice shack up with?" I ask.

"Some mental mind-fuck doctor from Texas. Dumbass moved here just to be with her. Shit trade for him I say, but the better for the rest of us!"Jake says and the boys cheer.

"Oh y'all leave Mary-Alice alone. She real good to Eddie's kid." Jessica says and the table gets quiet.

"What? What'd I say?"

"You ain't supposed to talk about the kid, fuckin' Einstein!" Bobby tells her.

"No. Let her talk. He should know what he's missed." Michael speaks for the first time tonight.

"Lay off, Mike." Emmett says.

"You know, Cullen. Y'did me a great favor, leavin' as you did. Left that door and those legs wiiiide open for someone else to come along and slide right on in 'em."

"What the fuck did you just say?" I ask to him, and for the first time tonight, I'm serious.

"Ya hearin' impaired? I'm just thankin' you for leavin' Bella so vulnerable. Made her real nice and easy for me."

"You need to shut your mouth, you mother fucking piece of cock sucking shit." I pick him up by his shirt and toss him into the wall.

He just laughs in my face.

"Go on, now. Get your punches in, but they ain't gone change nothin' bout what's been done while you was away."

I punch him in the face as hard as I can and it draws blood, but he just laughs. I go to punch him again but Jessica shouts. "Eddie, stop!" and I come back to reality. If he is with Bella, dipshit that he is and all, kicking his ass isn't going to help my case with her. I'll have to back off.

"You ain't worth my time, Newton. You're probably just talkin' bullshit anyway." I say, letting go of him.

"Ask her then!" He laughs. "She can tell you all 'bout how she fucking begged for…" I sock him in the stomach hard and storm out of the bar.

FUCK. I could kill him. My engine is running full speed and I am fucking fired up. Who the fuck does he think he is talking about her like that? I don't think for a minute she'd touch that hairy toad with a ten foot pole, but IF she did, she sure as fuck didn't deserve him talkin' bout her like she's some two-bit harlot. Fuck, now I'm even THINKIN' in a Southern dialect.

* * *

Despite my attempts at cooling down, I'm still revved up when I drive to the coffee shop. Part of me wants to reschedule, but if I do, I'm not likely to get the chance again. I have to try to get myself together before I open my mouth, or I know I'll shove my foot inside it.

I slam the truck door shut as I make my way into Perk Up. I quickly order myself a black coffee and get her whatever goddamn tea they had on special that night. I grab a table and run my hands through my hair trying to breathe while I wait.

Bella comes in a few minutes later, dressed in different clothes from this afternoon. She's wearing tight blue jeans and a fitted pink flannel shirt. She walks over to the table and sits across from me.

"You alright?" She asks. "You're lookin' like hell."

"I'm fuckin' fine." I say, and her eyebrows shoot up.

"'Scuse me?" she asks.

"Fuck. Sorry. My fault on that one. This whole day has just been…not great." I tell her.

"Well, I don't have much time, so I suggest you mind your manners on how you talk to me, 'fore I go head and walk out."

"You're right. Fuck. I'm sorry." I say.

"Now, what is it you came all the way down to Louisiana about that you needed to see me for?" She asks.

"I wanted to talk to you about McKinley." I tell her, biting the bullet.

"Well. In that case, I'm going to go with no." She says.

"What? No? No? What is that supposed to mean, Bella?"

"It means that my baby is off limits in this conversation." She says.

"She's the _basis_ of this whole conversation!" I implore.

"Now what are _you_ talkin' about, Edward?! You don't have no business with her." She asks with the same tone of voice.

"I want to see her. I want to alter our custody arrangement." I say.

She sits and stares with disbelief for a moment.

"Are you out of your mind!?" she roars.

"No, I'm serious. I think it's time. No, actually, it's past time that we work this out for her sake." I say.

"We _did. _We worked it out, two months after her birth in fact. I got full custody and you got a worry-free life. Why are you dredging it up now!?" she asks, with anger.

"Because I fucked up, Bella. Alright?! I fucked up and now I want to be in her life. I'm her father." I say.

"No you are not! You gave that up the day you went on and left her. I'm sorry you can't have what want, but that's just too bad." She tells me.

"You TOLD me to leave!" I scowl.

"Yeah, and I TOLD you to stop walkin' around like the whole damn world ended because something didn't go your way for MONTHS, but you didn't listen then now did ya? You only listened when it suited you, so don't you dare put that on me!"

"Bella, come on! I am trying here. I want to work this out together. I fucked up, I admitted that from the get go okay? I fucked up! I'm a fuck up! But I'm trying to fix it now, I'm here asking you. I mean, I could have just filed some papers and tried to get custody that way, but I came here and…"

"Who the hell do you think you are!? You are the most arrogant, egotistical, son of a shrew I have ever had the discourse of knowing! You're not filing nothing!" She says.

"Bella, be reasonable, please…"

"The fact that I haven't clocked you upside the head makes me 'bout the most reasonable woman in America!" She exclaims.

"Bella…please. I just want to see her." I beg.

"No, what you want is for me to tell my four year old child, who by the way, sees all sorts of kids with their daddies, that surprise! Here's her's. And then when you walk on out and go back to your life all the way in New Jersey, she's left feeling rejected and wondering what she did wrong. I won't, Edward. I won't do it!" She crosses her arms across her chest and shakes her head no, vehemently.

"But, I'm not leavin' Bella. Not permanently. I thought maybe she could spend the summers with me…" I say.

"Hah! So now I'm sending a defenseless child to a world she aint never been to with a man she doesn't know? You're losin' your marbles, _and_ you look like shit." She grabs her purse and stands.

"Bella, please don't make me do this." I say.

"Do what, Edward?!"

"I don't want to go through a lawyer, I don't want this to be ugly. I just want the kid to have a father." I say.

Bella shakes her head sadly.

"You aren't doin' this for her, Edward. Everything you ever do is 'bout yourself. You want a lawyer? You better make it a damn good one, but it'll be the fight of your life." she tells me softly before she walks out.

And FUCK am I angry and upset. If I hadn't had that altercation with Michael, I could have come in here with a clear head and handled that a LOT better. I hadn't meant to snap at her, but I couldn't fucking help it…and now everything was worse than ever. Now, I'd never be able to see McKinley without a fight, and I never wanted it to come to that.


	8. Chapter 8

Sunday morning came along with sweltering heat. I could feel the pressure coming at me with each powerful ray the sun poured out. My eyes wore red as sleep had been eluding me, and my skin had gone dry from a heat I was no longer used to. Many thoughts had been plaguing my mind since the fateful day that I met with Bella, and I had spoken with my mother about it at length. Mama had not been pleased to hear how things had gone between Bella and me that day, and I dreaded telling her of the decision I'd ultimately reached.

"I thought I told you to be gentle with her, son." Mama had said, a few days prior.

"That was my goal, Mama. But, she wouldn't listen and I was so tense after I had that run in with Newton that I couldn't seem to control anything that came out of my mouth."

"You cannot allow other people, especially people insignificant to your life to come along and make you act a fool, son. How you go about handling these delicate matters is much more important than Newton or anythin' else for that matter." She tells me.

"Mama, I was angry because of Newton but that doesn't mean that I wasn't just being honest. I only said that I could have gone through the legal system instead of coming to her directly. I would think she would appreciate that. You know? I came to her first, I gave that a chance." I replied.

"You don't find how that would come across threatening, my boy? She's a Mama-Bird, ya don't need to go on making empty threats about her little chick." she said.

"It wasn't an empty threat. It wasn't even a threat at all, Mama." I tell her.

"Did you, or did you not tell that girl that you were goin' to go over her head to ask a judge who don't know nothing about her or her child to tell her how to go about raising that child, if she did not agree to your terms?" she asks.

"Well…no. Not when you put it that way…"

"You did just that, Edward. Not only was it threatening to a mother, it borderlines on blackmail, son. Eddie, it would mean a great deal for me and your daddy if y'all could work it out so as you and Kinley got to have a daddy/daughter relationship…but you've got to stop acting so rashly. Give things some time 'fore you run that jaw or things will never get better."

She rubbed my shoulder gently.

"It really feels like you're taking Bella's side in this, Ma, you know." I say, feeling dejected.

"I'm on my grandbaby's side, which is where y'all should be too. When you take things slow, things are bound to change. If you rush Bella or yourself you'll only find anger and resentment just as you found after rushing into that conversation after fighting with the Newton boy."

"I had to. She wouldn't have given me another chance, Mama." I tell her.

"And how is it you know that? My beautiful son," she sighs. "You spend so much time inside that head of yours, that you don't save any time for those around you. Allow Bella some time to come around and you'll see. Sometimes time is all ya' need."

But Mama was wrong. Bella had had time. For four years I had stayed away and I knew she must have thought about what might happen if I ever returned. While I hadn't ever considered coming back until Tanya gave me that push, McKinley's birthday would roll around and each year I'd wonder a little bit what it would've been like to be there with her. So Bella must have considered it at some point or another and based on her reactions, she'd made her decision. I wouldn't be involved, if she had her way of things. Time had seen to it.

"So…what if she doesn't come around, Ma? Then what can I do?" I ask.

"She will, so there ain't no reason to worry on it, Sweetheart."

I didn't agree. And that is why yesterday morning, I took a little trip down to a family lawyer named Jason Jenks. He thought he could help, and as scary as it was, I was ready to take that action. I knew that the moment I signed those papers, I could essentially be severing my relationship with Bella forever and though that thought ached in the pit of my stomach, to gain a life with McKinley mattered more. One day, Bella would understand.

* * *

I dressed in a nice pair of crisply ironed black slacks that morning. I paired it with a white dress shirt and a blue geometric tie. I gelled my hair as I would up North, and climbed into the truck to head towards the Church.

Central Baptist Church was magnificent to look at. We lived in a rather simple area where most of the town was worn in and cozy, but not our Church. It was built to be extravagant. It contained large cathedral ceilings and enough pews to seat all who could possibly want to attend. There was a grand statue of Christ in bronze and the windows could take even _my_ breath away. They were made up of handcrafted stained glass that had been around long enough that my ancestors had likely looked out of them. There was a platform in front with hundreds of white candles and podiums for the minister to stand. There also stood a closed section for the choir to sway as they all came together to discipline their loyal disciples.

I stepped inside onto the red carpet where I was met in the entryway by a young girl holding out programs for mass. I accepted the folded page and walked through the main archway. There I found most of our community, dressed in their finest clothes. For most of the men, this meant taking out the only suit in which they owned, and for the woman, this was an excuse to show off the new hats that were ornamenting their heads. I found my mother, about midway into the cathedral, sitting at a pew besides my father. She held a cloth fan that she waved back and forth to breathe air on her warmed skin.

"Hey, Ma." I say quietly, coming up to greet her hello.

"Hello, my love. I knew you'd come." She says with a smile and I bend to kiss her cheek.

"Said I would." I took a seat besides her.

"A suit jacket would've been nice, Edward." Pop grumbled at my attire.

"Sorry, Pop. I didn't pack any to bring back home with me, so I didn't have one to wear." I say.

"Coulda' borrowed one'a mine, if you'da bothered to ask." His voice is low, but it feels as thunder has rumbled through the entire house of worship. Sometimes there is just no pleasing that man, so I don't bother to answer back.

"You look handsome, honey." Mama tells me, gently patting her gloved hand on mine bare.

"Thanks Ma." I reply quietly.

We sit quietly while Mama fans herself and the rest of the congregation piles in. People greet each other with cheek kisses and hardy handshakes full of well wishes. There are giggles spattered about amongst the women, and a few infants crying out in protest of being removed from a restful Sunday in their cribs. I turn my head to get a view of those who are still making their way inside.

I'm not surprised to find that I know many of them from my past. Guys I played football with in the streets before it grew too dark, and girls I had crushes on but never built up the nerve to talk to. There were friends' parents that used to invite me in for supper, and that crazy old man that used to chase us home with his gun for tossing our balls too close to his windows. Mary-Alice entered with whom I could only assume was her husband, and a small child; a boy. I guess she had had a baby at some point, and I couldn't believe no one had bothered to inform me about it. I had known her most of my life, and didn't know she was a mother? It scared me how so many things had become so very different in so little time.

Emmett rolled in with Rosie also, and she looked strikingly well. Her blonde mane was covered in a hat that was surely the biggest of any lady's in the church that day and her smirk was the most prominent of all. She was a sight, for certain and many men of the Good Lord glanced up at her and took notice. My good friend had gotten lucky with that one, and I hoped he knew it.

Though I hated to admit it to myself, and would not admit to anyone if they should ask, I was staring through those arches hoping to set sight on Bella. Mama had told me she still came to church, so I was anxious to lay my eyes on her form here today. And though, I didn't want to admit this either, I hoped she brought McKinley with her. I had yet to see her in person, and there was a good chance that I'd get my first chance this morning.

"Wish people would get a move on a little faster. Sure is warm in here, this mornin'." Mama complained, fanning herself with more strength.

"Quit your yammerin, woman. We're here to cleanse our souls, not vacationin'." Pop grumbled.

"Cleansing one's soul ought not to be so uncomfortably hot, then." She complained with a look of discomfort coloring her expression.

And then, somewhere between Mama's complaining and Pop's grumbles, there she was. Dressed in a light blue dress, Bella wore a white hat with a simply daisy atop. She strolled in eyes forward, not bothering to look at those surrounding her, and joined Mary-Alice's family in their pew. I looked around for a small little body with her, but there was no evidence of one. I took a deep breath and brought my hand up to run it through my hair before remembering that I was in church, and needed to look my best. Mama must have noticed the distress I'd found myself in because she turned to me with a small smile on her face.

"She's not down here, son. She's upstairs with the other children for Sunday school, dear." She told me.

"Oh, I wasn't…" I started.

"No fibbing in the Lord's house, young man. You're not too old to put over my knee." She cut me off.

The sound of the organ rang loud through the heavy walls. I raised my bible above my face so as to hide the fact that I no longer remembered the words to any of the hymns or religious greetings being sung back to the preacher. I couldn't remember when to shout "Amen" or "Hallelujah." I certainly couldn't remember when to stand, sit or kneel, either. Fortunately for me, the program prompted me as to what books and pages I could find each prayer and song on, so as to follow along. I shook hands with my neighbor when asked to and tried to follow along with the movements being made by those around me.

When it came time to take communion, I walked slowly up to the podium. I managed to secure a spot directly behind Bella...not that I had tried to, or anything. I tried to move my head from side to side, as such that she would see I was standing there and maybe greet me with a hello. But, she stood with her back held stiff, refusing to acknowledge me in her peripheral vision what so ever. I could smell the scent of her perfume, which hadn't changed over the years…and I could see her shoulders rise and fall with each time she would fail to contain a sigh. I watched her drink the blood of Christ and taste his flesh in the form of fermented grape juice and stale crackers. Her lips bled red with the wine and I raised the goblet to my lips to drink it in right after. I'd swear it was her residual taste making that cheap swill taste so lush against my tongue if only I could prove it so. I made my way back to my seat remembering to keep my thoughts pure because of the location we were standing in.

The congregation stood to leave and people hovered along outside. They shared stories of their weeks and expressed how lovely the service was that morning. I shook some hands of men I barely recognized, and I extended cheek kisses to the ladies as well. People expressed their happiness in seeing my return and I grinned and pretended I was happy too.

"Glad to see you 'round the old stompin' grounds, Eddie."

"You're lookin' well, son."

"Congratulations on all that success I hear ya been havin'. We're all real proud."

I continually turned towards the opulent doors to catch Bella emerge. Shake another hand, kiss another cheek, turn your head another two degrees. Patterns work for me.

It was mid handshake when I heard her voice, before I ever saw her face.

"Mama, look at what I colored!" I heard, and I turned to see Bella's backside holding the hand of a very small person.

"Sister Ethel showed me all kindsa pictures, Mama, but I pickeded this one for you." She exclaimed towards Bella.

"You did a beautiful job, baby." Bella replied.

Some man was talking to me, but I couldn't hear a word he spoke. My feet held firm as I watched the legs of my child move for the first time. Her hair was wild and long, and it swung as she grew animated. Her fingers were tiny and her nails painted blue as she clenched a torn out coloring book photo of Jesus out to her mother. A small wet patch of moisture traveled down the apple of my cheek, and I'd not realized that my emotions were getting the best of me until I felt it fall.

"Edward? You alright?" I heard the man utter somewhere in the back of my mind.

Bella's head swung around towards us, and she looked me in the eye. Her face grew sad before she glanced back down at our daughter and then turned away all together.

"Let's get on home." She spoke out loud and I watched my heart being torn from my chest as the two of them kept walking away from the church, and away from me.

"Edward? Edward son?" The man continued. I shook the fog from my brain and quickly brought my hand to my face to wipe the tears that had unknowingly escaped.

"Sorry…Sorry about that. I just…have to go. Sorry again." I tell him before rushing to my car as fast as my feet can carry me. I have to get away from there, I can't breathe.

* * *

"Tanya, I don't know what I'm doing." I whispered into my phone.

"Baby, everything's okay. You met with that lawyer right?" She asks.

"Yeah, yesterday." I reply.

"Well, he'll make sure that she gets the papers and once she does, the ball will be rolling. There's no court in the world that's going to keep a father away from his child if he causes no danger to her. You'll get to see her again." She tells me.

"I don't even know if that was the right thing to do. What if I already fucked things up? I don't know what to do, Ta. I'm fucking falling apart right now."

"You want to be in the kid's life, right?" She asks.

"Of course I do!" I exclaim.

"Okay, then you did the right thing, baby. It's not up to Bella anymore. She can't keep you away." She says.

"I don't want her to hate me." I whisper.

"McKinley is not going to hate you...she's too little to even know what is going on right now. Once this blows over, she's just going to be happy that she gets to meet her father, and then she's going to be excited that she'll have two houses with two bedrooms to decorate and two birthdays where she gets two sets of gifts to play with. Children tend to be simple beings, Edward. I promise it's going to get easier."

"I don't want Bella to hate me." I say.

"Well…I'm not sure you can get around that, babe. She has to choose to understand where _you're_ coming from, and if she doesn't do that, you just have to be pleasant to her when your daughter is around, and then you can go back to ignoring each other when she isn't."

"I wish you were here, Ta." I whisper.

"Just say the word, Edward. You know I'll come."

"I wish it were that easy. I have got to be thinking about McKinley. I have to make this as easy on her as I can. I don't want to scare her with _two_ new people, you know? One is going to be rough enough." I tell her, and she sighs.

"I know. Still wish I was there with you. I miss you so much. Wanna guess what I'm wearing right now?" She asks.

"Uh…" I chuckle really light. "Fuck. I don't know. A lace thong and stilettos?" I ask.

"Of course, Edward…because it makes perfect sense to waltz around in uncomfortable panties and heels when you're going to bed alone." She says with sarcasm lacing her voice.

"You asked me to guess! I didn't know, so I picked my fantasy outfit." I tell her.

"Well, no, you dolt, I'm wearing one of your work shirts and _your_ underwear. Smells like you. Makes it feel like you're closer to me than you are."

I sigh.

"I wish I could be there to pull them off of you right now. _That_ would make me feel a lot better." I say.

"Well…you can, in a way." She says.

"How do you figure that?" I ask, unconvinced.

"We could Skype…naked style." She asks…and I laugh a little.

"You know what? What the hell, go sign on."

And it _does_ help, for a while. But after, when we've signed off and I lie in bed alone, the pain returns and all I can see in my mind are their backs getting smaller as they walk away from me.

* * *

A few days later, the heat is as strong. I gathered up some supplies at the local hardware store and began work on Mama's porch. I got a nice maple wood color to go along with the softness of the house and I started to apply it to the slots one by one. The paint brush I bought is too small though, and it's going to look a bit rustic, but once completed, there will be a definite improvement.

I wipe away the excess stain and stand off to the side to admire my work. It's looking good, so I continue until about half the porch floor is complete when I decide to take a break. I step away from the highly flammable polyurethane and light up a cigarette. I haven't smoked in years, but I bought a pack on Monday. I suck in the sweet elixir of tar and nicotine and let it soothe my nerves. Mmm… The flavor licks at my lips and haunts my tongue teasing me with the sensations I'd experience if I were back at the casino. I breathe smoke from my nose when I see a rusty car pull up alongside our road. I stand to see who it is when Bella comes barreling out of the driver's side.

"Edward Cullen, we need to talk." She speaks angrily. She's carrying a manila envelope.

Fuck.

"Hey… just give me a second." I tell her, taking a long drag to prepare for this conversation.

"No, Edward, Now." She responds, grabbing my arm and bringing me towards the house door.

"Wait." I tell her, stubbing my smoke out in the ashtray I have sitting on the porch.

I open the front door and allow her to go in before I follow.

"Bella, sweetheart!" Mama croons, once she sees who has come inside.

"Hi Mrs Cullen," Bella says lowly. "If you can pardon us for a moment, I really need to speak with Edward in private."

"'Course ya can! Y'all let me know if you need anything."

Bella and I walk the stairs and head to my old bedroom. I haven't been in there, since I came home. Not for any specific reason, I just never had cause to.

We step inside and I shut the door behind us. The room looks the same as I left it, except there's a guard rail on my bed now. I have to guess Mama put it there for when McKinley visits.

Once Bella stops and takes a look around the old place, her face begins to scrunch and tears start to fall.

"Bella, what's wrong?" I ask with concern.

"I got _this_ in the mail the other day." She says angrily at the manila envelope.

"Oh." I reply.

"I was gonna rip it up, just so you know. But I said to myself, Bella, you best be smart about this, now. And I took it down to a law office, and I had them check it out, see…and they told me…they told me…" her tears are falling heavily now.

"Bella…" I say.

"They told me that you actually have a case! Can you believe that nonsense? That a man can just come up outta nowhere and ask to spend time with your child and the courts system will just let him!? A stranger to that child!" Bella is speaking passionately as she sobs. It's killing me, to see her so sad and I wish I could take it all back. What have I done?

"Bella…I don't _want_ to be a stranger to her. I just want to know her…"

"And there ain't nothin' I can do about it. Not a thing. Why're you doing this to me, Edward? Why're you putting me through this?" She asks in desperation.

"I don't want to, Bella. Bella, I'm sorry…I just wanted to work through this shit and make everything better." I say.

"Everything was fine! Why'd you have to come back and flip our world around? I don't understand."

"Because _nothing_ was fine, Bella. Our daughter was growing up without a dad, and she shouldn't be! I want to be there, and I want to do it without us fighting. I want the best for McKinley! I want you to let me give it to her." I express just as passionate.

Bella just shakes her head and starts to wipe her eyes.

"You just want to buy her off with fancy things because that's what you think love is. But she knows love, Edward. Real love. If you turn around and let her think that she has it from you and then you walk away…"

"I won't walk away Bella. I won't ever walk away." I say.

She takes a few deep breaths, before growing very serious and low.

"If I can't stop this, I will do everything within my power to make this as easy on her as I can. I've decided that if you're going to see her, then I'm going to be there. I will not have my child feeling as if I've abandoned her to some strange man she doesn't know. If the court grants you visitation, she needs to know you first."

"Wait a second, you're saying you'll let me see her!?" I ask excitedly.

"I'm _saying_ I'll introduce you as a person into her life. But I warn you, Edward, you damn well better tread lightly. You take one step out of line and I'll see to it that the court knows all about it." She says.

"Holy fuck, thank you, Bella. You don't even know what this means…" I say.

"Don't you dare thank me!" She yells. "I'm not doing this for you! I have to do what's best for MY child, and if that means suffering through a few days with you, I'll endure it. For her." She says.

"I'm still grateful, Bella." I whisper.

She collects the manila envelope and walks towards the door.

"You come into her life, you don't leave it, do you got me?" She says, looking me dead in the eye.

This is my last chance to back out and go back to the way things were before.

"I got you."

"You'd better. Because if you fuck it up, I'll castrate you in such a way you'll rue the day you ever heard my name!"

"If I fuck it up, I'll hand you the knife." I tell her.

She sucks in a deep breath and shakes her head.

"I really think I hate you, Edward Cullen"

And with that, she leaves.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**__ Hope everyone had a nice weekend! Thank you for reading!_


	9. Chapter 9

The thunder rang out as though God had declared war on the earth and the rain drowned the air in buckets of his glory. You're not as powerful as you think, he told me with a startling flash of lightening. You can't control everything, he sang as my vision grew bleak from the fog clouding my windows. My body twisted and turned making the low budget bed squeak in its protest of my inability to sleep during the sounds of God's wrath on the world. The torrential rainfall was doing nothing for my insomnia, but, at least it would break the sweltering heat, I thought.

I was a bundle of stumbles and groans making my way through the B and B that morning. Exhaustion had a way of making me one giant grump.

"Storm keep you up last night?" Miss Maggie asked that morning when I came into the dining room for some coffee. She looked bright eyed and rosy cheeked. Clearly, she was more of a morning person than I was.

I poured the steamy liquid into a mug from her porcelain carafe and drank in the beautiful aroma.

"Mmhmm," I groaned.

She spread some jam onto a slice of white toast for herself.

"You know Eddie, when I was but a wee girl, my Mama always told me that thunder was the sound of God bowling with the angels. Always found that comforting. Felt it kept the monsters at bay you know? I always did worry about that as a child. Why, I was sure there were monsters under my bed and in the cupboards all the time, but then the thunder would come along and frighten them away while God and the angels laughed in delight. I never sleep better than on nights like that, no sir" she informs me with a faraway look on her face and a chuckle in her voice.

She places her toast onto a plate that doesn't match any of the others in the stack sitting at the side table.

"Yeah…" I uttered, running my fingers along my scalp. I was far too tired for small talk about angels and God. I plopped myself down into a chair at her lace clad table and drank in the bitter heat from my mug.

"Now, aren't you gonna sweeten that up with some cream and sugar, dear? All that richness ain't good on ya." she said.

"Nah, I think the quicker the caffeine reaches my nervous system the better," I nod, raising my glass to her and indulging in a deep pull.

"Now, now, child. There's always room in life for a bit of sweetness." She pushes the candy bowl full of granulated poison my way. "Should always take the time to savor what's in front of ya, now."

I gulped down the coffee, keeping it dark as night and placed my mug onto the lace cloth.

"I'm trying to wade out the excesses in my life." I tell her.

"There are no excesses, Child, only blessings. When you are given a blessing such as a delicious bowl of sugar you make use of it! If we weren't supposed to enjoy somethin', well…it wouldn't be here for us to enjoy in the first place."

"Don't suppose that applies to drugs and alcohol, does it?" I question.

"Well heavens no, child, but that's what we've got police men for" she says, slapping my shoulder gently.

Of course, I thought, because police men and ministers were our judge and jury. God forged the path, and the good old Louisiana Police Force was his mighty band of soldiers.

"I've made up some omelets and filled 'em with sausage links this morn, so go on and fetch you a plate. You're nothing but skin and bones these days. Have 'em simmering in the old sterno, so they ought to be good and hot for ya."

"Thank you, Miss Maggie, but this is fine." I say, nodding to my mug.

"Nonsense. I'll not hear of it. A boy your age needs a big breakfast to stay strong."

She fluttered around preparing me a plate of food I really didn't want, but ate to be polite. She smiled as I forced it down my throat trying not to consider the amount of cholesterol that was now clogging my arteries.

"Now I won't have to worry 'bout your Mama coming round to holler at me for trying to starve her son!" She giggled with gleeful jolly as she carried the dishes away.

I sighed, thankful for a moment's peace, and brought my phone out from my pocket to check for any new messages.

Bella and I had gone back and forth corresponding a bit, deciding on a time for the big meet. We had concluded on this afternoon, before Bella needed to get to work. She chose the park by her Daddy's house where we used to meet up some time ago. It was fitting too, I thought, because it was quite possible that McKinley had been conceived there right under the slide.

I was concerned that she would change her mind as she had been unhappy with me from the get go. Her mood hadn't changed much when we were texting, giving me one word responses with no hint of inflection as though we were teenagers engaged in a lovers' spat. But… with no messages littering my inbox, I had faith that she was going to show up like she said she would.

With a kiss on Maggie's head, I went through the daily routine of showering and shaving. I chose to dress casually, not wanting to seem cold or standoffish to McKinley. Blue and greens were the colors of calm, so I made sure to follow that motif. I wanted to bring her a present, but thought the better of it. Bella hadn't liked that I brought something to her, and I was a man that could learn from my mistakes. Wasn't that why I was here, after all?

* * *

Showing up to the old park around ten, I parked my rental truck and took a moment to myself. I lit up a cigarette and rolled the window down a pinch. I sucked in the rich nicotine like it was water and I was in the desert. My nerves began to settle, and I realized that while I was going to be nervous regardless, I was also in control of my own emotions. I was ready for this, and I felt certain that it was the right thing to do. I tossed the cancer stick to the ground and stepped on it, making my way to the gated park.

The park was lined with small, light colored pebble. Kids could run back and forth without worrying about destroying grass, or coming home littered in dirt clouds. There were large wooden structures that served as play houses and walls littered with stones for mild rock climbing. Down a ways, past the swings, laid an area of wetlands where pigeons would frequent. It was there that I saw my family. Bella was crouched down resting on her tippy toes, handing out stale bread to the little me that was wearing a windbreaker. She would tear the bread into pieces and toss them to the birds that stalked down like vultures ready to prey on their last meal. Her giggle was infectious, and my face found a smile where I stood watching them from behind.

"McKinley," I heard Bella say, as I neared closer. "I wanted to talk to you 'bout something."

McKinley giggled in response, tossing a bread square further through the air to a less ambitious pigeon that hung away from the raucous crowd.

"Do you remember when Mommy talked to you about her friend, Edward?" She asked in the third person.

"The man that bought my dolly! McKinley exclaimed.

"Yes…well, I was wondering if you wanted to meet him. He's in town, visiting his own Mommy and he told me that he was anxious to meet you." Bella told her, tossing some bread of her own.

"What's anxious mean, Mama?" McKinley questioned.

"Um, nervous, or excited. He's excited to meet you." She tells her.

"Does he have a new dolly to give me?" She asks her mother.

Damn it. I _knew_ I should have brought something. Bella might not have appreciated it, but my daughter would have. It would have been a sure way to break the proverbial ice.

"No, sweetheart, but I'm sure he would like it if you introduced him to the dolly you already have. He hasn't seen her since you gave her a name of her own."

"Kay… I can do that, Mommy." McKinley stated, nodding her head with sincerity. Something I did…all the time.

Bella's head turned and she caught me standing there. She turned back towards our daughter.

"You sure? If you don't want to meet him, I ain't gonna make ya." She said, running her fingers across McKinley's forehead.

"I wanna meet Eddard, Mama!" she exclaimed.

Bella grabbed McKinley's small hands and shook off the remaining bread crumbs that were lingering. Then, she turned McKinley around slowly to face me.

"Sweetie pie, this is Mommy's friend, Edward. Can you say, 'nice to meet you'?"

McKinley's face shielded up immediately. She grasped Bella's leg and hid her face behind it.

"Hello, McKinley." I said, calmly. "I'm happy to meet you."

Her little arms squeezed at Bella's legs tight.

"It's alright, sweetness. You can say hello." Bella told her, nudging her out some.

McKinley's face came into view from behind Bella slowly.

"Hello" she said quietly.

"Hi, there." I replied.

"You know my mommy?" She asked, burying the side of her face against Bella.

"I do. I did very well, once." I nodded.

"Why don't you show Edward your dolly?" Bella suggested.

McKinley bent down and lifted a bright purple backpack from the ground. She pulled out the doll I had picked up for her for her birthday this year.

"Her name's Annabelle." McKinley stated shyly, holding her out with one arm, and clenching the other still around her mother.

"What a beautiful name" I say.

"It's like Mommy's name, see? They both gots a bell in it. Ding dong." She smiles lightly.

"Ding dong." I repeat. "Do you like bells? We could see about getting you one…"

"That won't be necessary." Bella cuts me off. "McKinley, do you want to climb the tires?"

"Yes pease, Mama." She tells Bella, looking up at her.

"Well, come on now. You can't very well go 'bout climbing if you're glued to my leg" Bella states, lifting her from her body. She carries her over to the play area composed of enormous tires pieced together to form a makeshift obstacle course for young children.

"Mama you stay wheres I can see ya." McKinley says.

"Yes, Ma'am. I'll be sat at the swings right there." Bella says pointing at the swing set sitting parallel to the obstacle course. "You just poke your head out if you want to see me."

McKinley nods and begins roaming through the tires. Bella takes a seat at the swing set, and I sit beside her.

"What was that about?" I ask. "You couldn't get her away from me any faster if you tried."

"I don't want you buying her off, Edward" she says, shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

"I wasn't trying to!" I exclaim.

"Oh no? You like bells? I'll buy you one. You want a pony? I'll see what can be arranged. You want a helicopter? Let me make a few calls. No sir!" Bella crosses her arms and swings slowly.

"I didn't do all that, Bella. I just thought if I could appeal to her a little bit, she wouldn't feel so shy around me…" I say.

"And you can't do that with words? Edward, she's four. She doesn't need you to buy her affection…she needs to know that she can count on you is all she needs." Bella won't look at me. She stares straight ahead.

"And by 'she,' are you referring to McKinley or yourself?" I ask.

"If you're involved, then I'm referring to both of us. I've made lots of decisions on how she is to be raised and greedy is not one among those adjectives I have chosen." She huffs.

I stop to breathe for a moment, taking it all in. Bella is here despite not wanting to be. She's made her concession in my favor, and I can make mine in hers.

"You're right, and I'm sorry. I won't buy her anything without discussing it with you first." I say.

Bella's head turns to look at me. She is guarded; it plays in her eyes like an old fashioned movie without sound. The reel is spinning, the movie is playing and all I need to know is written plain as day.

"Thank you" she mumbles, and then turns her head back forward.

I sigh, and rock in my swing.

McKinley pops her head out of one of the tires.

"Mama?" she hollers.

"Right here, munchkin." Bella calls back and McKinley quickly goes back inside to resume her playing.

"I'm sorry, Bella." I say, looking forward too.

"For?" she asks.

I blow air out of my mouth.

"Where do I start? I'm sorry for a lot of things. Mostly I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable right now. I know you don't want to be here, sitting next to me."

"I don't care for my own comfort, Edward. You do good by my daughter and I'll smile and pretend all is well, for her."

"I'd rather you weren't pretending, Bella" I say.

"What else am I supposed to do? You're puttin' me through hell because you just decided one day that it'd be a fun new challenge to show up here out of the blue. No warning, no phone call. I'm sorry but I can't express any type of genuine happiness about that."

"I'm not trying to put you through hell, Bella! And I didn't ever think it would be _fun_. I thought it was _needed_. Enough time has passed that we can let go of the past. Yeah, I left, and maybe it was a shitty thing to do but that doesn't mean it wasn't the right thing to do." I say.

She turned her face and gave me a look of disbelief.

"Let me finish. That is the truth, okay? We weren't happy, and I think me leaving was necessary for that to change. But the moment I changed my mind, the moment I realized I fucked up and wanted to be here, I should have contacted you. For that, I am sorry. I should never have waited so long…but, I'm here now. I don't want to fight you, or make shit hard; I just want to work with you, for her. To see her."

"And what should give you that right, Edward!? You wanted me to give her away, and if I had there'd be nothing either of us could do to see her. So why should you be given a second chance? You _walked out on me_ when I was six and a half months pregnant and scared to death!" She yelled.

"What was I supposed to do!? You told me to go!" I yell back.

"No, I told you to put me out of my misery. I missed _you_! I missed the way you were before you found out, and I wanted the man you turned into to leave, not the one I loved!"

"They were one in the same, Bella! Katrina fucked with the whole economical system here. I didn't want to raise a kid poor amongst the left over ruins of our state…I wanted a better life for all of us! What don't you get!?" I expel.

"There were other ways to go 'bout fighting for it, Edward. I could have supported you, and I woulda', too! You never gave us a chance!" She cried out.

"I wasn't ready for it, Bella. I didn't _want_ to be a father, not yet."

"Then why the hell do you get to want her now!?" Bella shouts.

"Mama?" McKinley pokes her head out again, looking at me apprehensively.

"Yes, baby?" Bella sighs, trying to get her emotions bottled up.

"You was hollerin'."

"I just got excited, sweetness. Like when football's on the TV" she tells McKinley with a small smile. "Go 'head and play. Everything's fine."

"Kay…" she ducks back inside again. Bella sighs soundly.

We sit, quietly for a few. I can feel her stewing in the argument we've just had, and I try to think of what to say moving forward.

"I can't take it back, Bella. All that I can do is apologize for not making better decisions a lot sooner." I say.

"Edward, despite our differences, here I am sat beside you. Can you please accept that for the gesture in which it is, and not look for more? Not yet."

I sigh and rock back and forth on the swing. I hear my daughter laugh inside the play area and I look over at her mother, who looks so sad.

"I'd have thought you'd bring your Daddy with you today. I keep waiting for him to show up at my parents' place to threaten my life" I tell her.

"We lost my Daddy two years ago, Edward. Of course, you wouldn't know that now, would you?" She says.

"Wait…what?" I ask, turning my head towards her.

"Came down with pancreatic cancer…He suffered, but not for long, at least." She twists the metal strand holding her swing in place.

"Fuck…I'm sorry, Bella. I didn't know…If I did, I mean, I would have…"

"What? What would you have done, Edward? Sent a fruit basket?" She shrugs. "It's fine. We got by."

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair. Her Daddy was hugely important to her. Her mother took off when she was a kid to be with some guy she had been having an affair with, and Bella never forgave her. Instead, she put all of her focus on being a good daughter to her father and had always strived to make him proud. The worst part about Bella's pregnancy, for her, was thinking that she had disappointed him. If I had known about his passing, I would have come down here. I would have been with her through everything, even if she hadn't wanted me there. I have no doubt in my mind at all of that.

"It's not fine. I should've been there." I say.

She shrugs her shoulders.

"I didn't need you to be."

* * *

We sat quietly for the next several minutes. The only sound heard was that of our daughter giggling as she climbed up and down the black rubber. Then, after a while, she came tumbling out of the obstacle and ran over to her mother.

"Mommy, I wanna swing" she said.

"Sure, baby" Bella replied, lifting her into a swing that had slots for her legs.

"Well, big shot?" She said, looking over at me.

"Well what?" I asked.

She rolled her eyes.

"McKinley, would you like Edward to push you?" Bella asked.

"You not leavin', right Mama?" she asked.

"Of course not. I'll be right here."

"Then okay. Eddard can push me" McKinley said with a nod.

I cleared my throat and stood up walking behind the swing set. I placed my hand on the hard brown plastic, and gently began pushing the seat.

"No, Eddard, that's too slow" she said.

"Sorry. How's this?" I ask, pushing with more force.

"Wee! Higher!" She sang.

"Not too high…" Bella cautioned, and I followed accordingly.

Bella took a seat back on the adult swings and watched as I pushed the child we'd made together.

McKinley would glance over from time to time to ensure Bella was still with us, but otherwise she was all smiles.

"McKinley… did you know that the swings used to be your Mommy's favorite spot on the playground?" I ask.

"It was, Mommy?" She asked Bella.

"Oh yes, sweetie. Feels like flying, doesn't it?" Bella replied.

McKinley giggles.

"I spent a lot of time on the swings with your Mom" I say. "There, and of course on the slide."

Bella coughs.

"I like this park." I say.

"I like it too, Eddard. Higher, pease!"

* * *

We get ready to leave, and Bella holds McKinley's hand as we make our way to the parking lot. The nerves are back. Things went better than I had anticipated. We had fought some, sure, but we were also able to put that aside when we needed to, but if Bella didn't agree…well, this might be our last meeting until court. That wasn't at all what I wanted, so I was just going to go for it.

"So…uh, can we maybe try this again, do you think?" I ask.

"I suppose we could" Bella replies. "Kinz, would you like to invite Edward over for dinner one night this week?"

"Okay." McKinley whispers, getting shy again.

"Friday night, then?" Bella asks.

"That will work fine, for me." I reply.

"Alright then, say bye bye to Edward." Bella tells McKinley.

"Bye Bye, Eddard." McKinley says, clinging to her mother still.

"Bye bye, McKinley. I'm so glad you came to play with me today" I tell her as Bella loads her into her booster seat, buckling her up tight.

"Well, then. Bye." Bella says to me, stoically, clasping the door to her back seat.

"Wait, Bella. I uh… I wanted to thank you, for today. It was a good day."

"It's fine" she says with a shrug.

"No…I know this was hard on you. I'm just happy, is all. Can I bring anything to dinner? I mean, I'll make something, not buy something, 'cause I know how much you hate that…so I'll make something, if you want I mean. I could do that…" I mumble and she giggles quietly.

"Can you cook now?" She asks.

"No, but I can try. Maggie can probably teach me something if I ask her. She'd probably be delighted, so I'll just ask her…" I tell her.

"Well, alright. If you can conjure up a dessert, we would be happy to have it on our table."

"Great! Okay, yeah…so…Friday then. I'll see you" I say, starting to walk backwards towards my rental truck.

"Friday." She nods.

"Friday." I say again.

She laughs a little.

"Have a nice day, Edward" she gets in her car.

I'm so excited I could dance, but I won't. Not until I'm in private. Now, how the fuck am I going to learn how to cook before Friday?

* * *

_**Thanks for reading!**_


	10. Chapter 10

I was sleeping like a fucking baby. Arm wrapped around my pillow, full on REM cycling like a boss when my phone chirped to rouse me from my nightly cocoon. I jumped at the sound, and cleared my throat. Reaching my arm over to the bedside table, I grabbed for it to see who was bothering me at the ungodly hour of…oh, 11:30. I rubbed the night clouds from my eyes with my fist and saw that I had a new text message from Tanya.

_This isn't the one, so don't worry about seeing it…but I thought you might like a preview of what I'll look like as a bride…miss you!_

Beneath lie a picture of her, dressed in a large white princess ball gown in the dressing room of a bridal boutique.

Fuck. I forgot how simple life had been just a few short weeks ago. My biggest worry had been planning a wedding and keeping an otherwise happy fiancée smiling. I rattled off a quick reply about her looking good and tried to suck back the guilt I felt for not having thought of her or the wedding in a couple of days. I had more pressing things on my mind, like McKinley and of course, Bella.

I took a deep breath and lay back against my soft cotton pillow and ran my fingers through my hair. I was a walking juxtaposition. Two lives in one body…both at odds with the other, both so very different, both with such different priorities.

I wandered down the staircase to the dining room. Sat at the lace cloth were a man and woman, cuddled up together stealing both kisses and laughs.

"Good morning" I said, walking to the side table to grab some grub from the hot pot.

"Mornin'" the woman giggled.

They couldn't seem to disconnect from each other for even a moment.

"Honeymoon?" I ask, sitting down with my mismatched plate and an odd shaped fork. I assumed they must be recently wed to be so over the moon for each other. People who were together for any sort of real time didn't do that shit anymore, at least not at the fucking breakfast table. I couldn't even remember the last time I'd kissed Tanya outside of our apartment…

"Oh," she giggled loudly, "no, no. We're not married."

"At least not to each other…" the man stated lowly, with a boyish smile. She raised her palm to slap his shoulder gently. They both giggled, resting their heads against one another.

"You're so bad…" she whispered with a grin.

Oh. Well. That explained it. Elicit affairs had a certain…impetuous manner for bringing out affection, shall I say. I should have guessed based on their body language…their violent desperation for each others' touch, as though it could end at any fleeting moment. But…I had seen the gold ring pressing into his finger, and the way that he looked at her took me back to another time and place when I'd been the man to once look at a woman like that. There hadn't been anything elicit about how I had looked at Bella when I had fallen in love with her, though. It had been pure and innocent…well, for the most part it was innocent. We _were_ having sex by then, but it was consensual and monogamist sex. Innocent sex, if you will.

"Ah," I said, "That's…something."

Now while, I wasn't an advocate for people who cheated, I wasn't about to piss in their oatmeal. I didn't know them or their significant others and it wasn't any of my business. If they wanted to break their commitments to other people, it was their cross to bear. I had plenty of my own to worry about.

Miss Maggie May came trudging in a moment later carrying some salt and pepper shakers.

"Well, good mornin' to you, little Eddie Cullen! You're getting a late start today" she sang, placing the shakers centered on the table.

"Desperately needed to catch up on my z's" I reply.

"Good thing too, son. You're lookin' brand new, I'd say! Why, those circles you had restin' under those lids of yours are just about evaporating 'fore my very eyes."

She poured me a cup of coffee and rubbed my head in a motherly fashion. She pushed the bowls of sugar and cream my way, even though we both knew I wouldn't use them.

"Say, Eddie have you met Mr. and Mrs. Henderson over there? Just got married, isn't that sweet?" She asks.

Poor sweet naive Maggie May Hartford. She had no idea of the debauchery that had taken place within these walls and like me, had not suspected that her love bird clientele were using her cozy little cottage as a stomping ground to carry out an extramarital affair.

"Just met them this morning, Miss Maggie. They seem…happy" I tell her, with a nod of the head.

The "Hendersons" nuzzled their faces together, big smiles on their lips and stars in their eyes.

"Why I just adore young love, I tell you. Some of the best stories ever told were that of young lovers. I could sit and read Romeo and Juliet all day long, I daresay. Of course the language is a bit constraining to an old broad like me, but I can appreciate the time and tone in which it was written. Oh that Shakespeare was quite the writer. I've got all of his works littered on the walls of the lobby, if you want to pick one up some time. Reading strengthens the mind, child. It truly does, and you could read a new tale each day and never run out of new ones to enjoy, so how's about that?" She stops to laugh for a moment. "Silly me, I've forgotten now…what was I talking about again?"

"Love" I reply.

"Oh, yes. Love. Best part of my job, seein' young couples just starting out come in my door. Maybe someday you'll be stayin' with me for your own honeymoon!"

Unlikely. Tanya was more of a city kind of girl. Plus I still didn't want to bring her down here to the town where the mother of my child was living. Fucking awkward.

"You never know, Miss Mags."

I helped her carry the plates into her kitchen and rinsed them before popping them in the dishwasher.

"Thank you darling. These old ceramic plates start getting heavier as I get older. Used to have more strength in the old arms, you see."

"It's no problem, but uh…I don't know how to load the soap or anything" I tell her, once the dishes have been placed inside.

"Oh, men" she huffs grabbing the items she needs. She closes the door and pushes a few buttons before the machine roars to life.

"There we are!" She smiles and wipes her hands on a hanging dish towel.

"So, Miss Maggie May, I have a favor to ask you" I tell her.

"Me?" She questions. "Well, go on then."

"What do you know about dessert?" I ask.

"Well…I know I like it. Warm cherry pie with a scoop of cold vanilla ice cream and just a wee drizzle of chocolate sauce, my word! My mouth is just aflutter with the thought! Or a rich, dense cake with a melted lava filling just ready to ooze its' way onto the plate with…"

"No, no," I cut her off before she goes into another wordy monologue. "I mean, like, what do you know about _making_ dessert."

"Never was much of a baker, you see. I like to toss in a pinch of this, or a spoonfulla' that. Doesn't work too dang well when there be chemicals involved. Once ruined an oven all together, tryin' to make me a soufflé. That was a costly fix; let me tell you what for. 'Sides, I don't got much time for baking you see. I run this place on my own and what with cookin' the morning up and washing sheets, vacuuming rooms and squeegeeing bathrooms…I just don't have the time. Why you askin' anyway?"

"I was invited to dinner at someone's home and I promised to make dessert, but I burn water…so I need help" I tell her.

"Well why aren't you askin' your mama? She makes a mean peach cobbler. Why I've had the pleasure of enjoying it myself on many an occasion. Full of delicious craisins, oh and that rum sauce is to die for!" She tells me.

"I was kind of hoping to keep my mother out of this one. Trying to man up, you know?" I say.

"You stubborn fool, that's what mamas are for!" She exclaims, bopping me on the head with a rubber spatula she pulls from a holder on the counter top.

I rub my head, stunned.

"My word, can't load a dishwasher and thinks he can do things on his own, men I tell you." She mutters quietly to herself, waddling her way from the kitchen to the lobby. I follow behind her, because I'm not sure if I'm supposed to or not.

She makes her way over to one of the built in shelving units and starts scrolling her finger along the spines of various books.

"Aha!" She exclaims, pulling out one of them using her finger tip.

She pushes the book into my chest and I grasp it like a football.

"If you won't go on and ask for help, that's the best I can do you for. Lots of yummy treats in there, you just go on and pick one and if you use my kitchen you do your best not to go on and burn it down, ya hear?"

I look at the book she's handed me.

_The Old Southerner's Guide to Baking _

It's not a bad start.

"Thanks, Miss Mags."

I carry it up to my room to read it, but upon opening the book and skimming a few pages, I already know that I'm in trouble. What size cup am I supposed to use when it tells me to put in two cups of flour? There is a big fucking difference between a fucking…coffee mug and a pilsner glass. How am I supposed to know which one they're referencing? And how big is a "pinch" of salt? Should I imagine it to be Maggie's little chubby finger size or my own long and lean? And, how exactly am I supposed to go about folding anything into anything else? These ingredients aren't fucking solids!

I take a deep breath and run my fingers through my hair to think.

I _do_ have one option that doesn't include my mother, but I'm not sure I like it.

* * *

I stand in front of the dark wooden door, carrying a bag full of random shit I picked up and hope that I'll need. Flour, eggs, milk, sugar, butter, chocolate bars, and baking powder. Certainly something can be formed out of that, and if not, I officially fucking give up. I pause before bringing my fist up, and rapping twice on it.

A moment or two later, the knob turns and the door opens.

"Well, who the hell invited you to my house?" she asks, scowl firm in place, her hand on her hip.

"I need your help" I say, holding up my bag of supplies.

"Your ass needs a lot of help, but I don't think I'm qualified to give it to ya" she says.

"Please?"

She takes a deep breath before shaking her head.

"Well, go on, get yourself inside before you let in any mosquitoes and I have to have my husband kill you for givin' me the West Nile."

"Thank you, Mary-Alice! Thank you, thank you."

I scurry inside before she changes her mind and she shuts the door behind me.

* * *

"How do you not know what measuring cups are!? Were you dropped on your head as a baby or somethin'? Goddamn!" she exclaims, introducing me to both wet and dry measuring cups and spoons.

"Got-damn" the toddler sitting in his high chair attempts to repeat.

"Jasper Junior! That's a bad word. Mommy didn't mean to say that" Mary-Alice says, handing him a Popsicle from her freezer, to keep him quiet. He looks at it for a minute before shoving it in his mouth happily.

"Seriously, Mary-Alice. Who has these effin' things in their kitchen!? They look midevial" I complain, holding up the red handled 1 cup measure.

"How about everyone in the civilized world, Eddie?! What do you _eat _when you'reat home?" she exclaims, sounding disgusted.

"I just… go to restaurants…" I utter.

"Ah, well a'course you do! I almost forgot, _Edward_. Welcome to reality. The land where if you want to eat somethin' you best know how to cook it! I swear to pigeons you were never _this_ stupid."

"Stop being such a cow and cut me a fuck…uhh…" I glance over at the sticky faced child, munching greedily on his cherry flavored ice. "A f-u-c-k-i-n-g break, Mary-Alice. I'm asking you to _correct_ my inabilities, not criticize them."

"Well, I'm tryin' to, but you can't seem to grasp the most simple of tasks!" she argues.

I scoop the flour into the cup and go to place it in the stainless steel mixing bowl.

"No! What are you doin'!?" she exclaims.

"What?" I ask. I look down at what I'm doing. Measuring cup full, bowl ready to be filled…what's the problem? "What?"

"You need to level that shit out. There's no point in measuring if you don't _follow the measurement!_" She grabs a butter knife and scrapes the excess flour back into the bag.

"And then you need to sift it so you won't have any lumps."

"What in the hell does sift it mean, Mary-Alice?" I ask, aggravated, feeling the tension rise in my shoulders and in my neck.

She grabs a large tin cup looking thing with a handle that looks every bit as medieval as the measuring cups.

"Dump the flour in here, then squeeze the handle over the bowl."

I listen to her instructions thinking about how redundant it is to put flour in a second container that now needs to be cleaned, instead of just fucking putting it in the bowl you're making the cake in, in the first place. I squeeze the handle and flour goes everywhere.

"Goddamn it, Eddie! IN the bowl, not three feet away from it!" Mary-Alice screams.

"Got-damn, got-damn, got-damn" the toddler cheers.

"Just let me do this, you're incompetent." She complains.

"No! I have to do this on my own! You're the one that told me to do it over the bowl!" I exclaim.

"_Over_ the _bowl_, Eddie! Not at the height of your empty wooden head! Here!" She grabs my hands and positions them to where they're supposed to be. I growl in aggravation, giving her an annoyed look and squeeze the handle and watch as the flour flows into the bowl.

"Got-damn" Jasper Junior smiles at his mother.

"That's not a nice word, baby. Eat your popsicle" she says calmly.

Three very long hours later, chocolate is melted, flour is sifted and eggs are separated. Somehow or another, we've managed to make a chocolate shortcake in a ridged tart pan without killing each other. It's slightly misshapen on the top, but we cover it up with chocolate sauce and no one is the wiser. It smells a little burnt, and there is flour that was meant to be IN the pan littering her counters, but overall, it looks pretty damn good and I feel a sense of pride at my accomplishment. Edward Cullen, Casino Owner and now Baker Extraordinaire!

I glance at Mary-Alice and see her looking at it like it's the ugliest thing she has ever laid eyes on. I also notice that she has chocolate smudged on her cheeks and on her eyebrow.

"You're a fucking mess" I laugh, pointing to her eyebrow.

She reaches her fingers up and touches the chocolate on her skin. She looks down at her hand with disgust.

"Shut up. Your life is a fucking mess" she says and pushes me away from her.

I laugh as I grab a paper towel and wipe at her face.

"Let me fix it" I say.

"Ugh, get off'a me. You're seriously so gross" she says pushing me away again and I laugh, pulling her to me and into a big hug.

"I really am happy to see you, Alice."

And I was. She was never like a sister to me, but having grown up together and experienced so much with her by my side, she had sort of become like the annoying cousin three times removed that you made out with in a closet once. Not that I've made out with any of my cousins…but, well, I have made out with Mary-Alice.

"I guess seeing you ain't so bad for me either. Even though I still think you're a giant douche bag, _Edward_" she says my name mockingly.

"Wouldn't expect anything less from you, _Alice_."

* * *

I rummaged through my Mama's house for a nice plastic dessert container. I used it to pack up my shortbread on Friday evening when it was time to visit with Bella. I placed it tightly under the chair in the backseat, so as not to have it slide about and get ruined. I had had to drive back from Mary-Alice's house with it on my lap which was, naturally, fucking awesome.

The roar of the truck kept me calm on the drive to Bella's daddy's old place. The feelings scattering about in my belly were bittersweet. The last time I had made that journey I was living there with my girlfriend and expecting a baby. Now, that baby was a child and that woman could very well belong to Michael Newton of all people.

I pulled the truck alongside her house. I didn't want to be presumptuous by parking in her driveway, even though there was plenty of room. I made my way up the walk and pulled at the knocker. I cleared my throat, and tried to see my reflection inside the metallic sheen of said knocker, but it was about as clear and accurate as a funhouse mirror.

The door pulled open and Bella came into sight. Her bangs were clipped up, and the rest of her locks flowed against her slightly exposed v-necked cleavage. Her white shirt was a little too tight for her comfort and her dark blue jean skirt a little too short on her thigh, bringing all of my attention to how ample her body had become over the years. She was wearing nylons and heels, something the Bella I'd known had never wore a day in her life, and her legs were fucking phenomenal. Her makeup was heavier than usual, and the scent of perfume wafted up to my nose. As much as I enjoyed the show, I could accept it for what it was. She was sending me the old 'fuck you, look at what you're missing out on, I still got it' flag. And she definitely did still have it, indeed.

"Hi" she said, in greeting. Her eyes shifted from the ground to behind my shoulder.

"Hey…you look great" I tell her.

"I just look how I always look" she states with vex, clearly not wanting me to point out her extra effort. She opens the door wider to allow me in, and I step inside.

"McKinley is watchin' television in the living room. You can sit with her while supper finishes up" she says, turning her back to me quickly.

"Wait," I hold her up. "…this is for you" I say, holding out the plastic container.

"Did you make it yourself?" She asks, lifting the lid to peer inside.

"Yup, just like I promised" I boast, my chest puffed out, still kind of proud about it.

"Hmm, well. I can see that. Follow me" she says, and I frown at her lack of response.

She leads me into the living room which has changed pretty significantly. The old worn brown couch her father had was replaced with a softer blue sofa and there were pearly white shelves on either side of a smaller television set. McKinley is sat on the floor in front of a glass coffee table which was placed in the center of the room, coloring in a coloring book.

"Kinz, do you remember Edward?" Bella asks.

"Yes! Annabelle's daddy, from the park" she says, and Bella coughs lightly. We haven't approached the 'D' word yet, and I'm not sure if they've ever had a talk in relation to my being _McKinley's_ daddy, not just her doll's.

"Yes, well, he's joining us for supper, so you'll keep him company for Mommy won't you?" Bella asks.

"Okay, Mama. You'll be in the kitchen right?" She asks.

"Yes baby. Y'all holler if you need me" Bella says, walking back from where we came.

I rock on my heels for a moment, taking in my surroundings. I'm not really sure how to approach a conversation with a little kid. McKinley peers up at me from time to time, but quickly returns her gaze to her book and the silence is kind of deafening.

"So… McKinley. What are you watching?" I ask, hoping this is a good place to start.

"Dora the Explorer" she replies, her fingers running rampant, nearly crushing her crayon.

"Oh yeah? So, what's the Dora character do?" I ask.

"She's a explorer…" McKinley says, pausing her coloring to give me the 'duh' face.

"I know that, silly" I laugh gently. "I meant, what kind of exploring does she do?"

"We help her find stuff, so she can help peoples or animals all over the map."

The television features a small girl with a really bad hair cut shouting out scary words in Spanish. I don't get the appeal, but McKinley shouts back occasionally and smiles.

"Oh..." I reply. Well, that's about all I can think to say about this Dora thing.

"I don't suppose you ever like to watch ESPN?" I ask.

"I don't know even know what that _is_" she raises her eyebrow at me and pushes further on her crayon.

"Of course not. She's a four year old girl, Edward" I mumble to myself before moving closer to the shelves to examine what Bella has displayed.

There are tons of photographs, most of Bella and McKinley together. There are a few of Bella's dad too, but the remainders are of Brittany and Bella, or Alice's family. One particular image disturbs me; it features Michael Newton at The Green House with Bella and Brittany. They're serious enough that she's displaying his photo? Gross.

Safe topics…safe topics…Food could work.

"What's your favorite thing to eat, McKinley?" I ask.

"Macaroni and cheese! Or chicken nuggets…no…macaroni and cheese! Mommy makes the kind from the blue box. It's better than Auntie Alice's. Auntie Alice puts bread on hers, my tummy doesn't like it" she responds.

"I've made that macaroni and cheese too. You've got pretty good taste, kid."

"Tank you" she smiles before her face drops. "Uh oh…" she says apprehensively.

"What's the matter?" I ask.

"I hafta go potty…."

"Um, well okay. Go potty then" I tell her, ushering her with my hands extended in a 'go ahead' motion.

"I hafta go potty…" she repeats, shaking her head.

"Okay, so…go" I tell her again.

She starts to breathe more rapidly and she looks like she might start to cry.

"Mommy!" she yells.

"What? What's the matter? Uhh…fuck, I don't know what to do." I say, grabbing at the hair on my scalp.

Bella comes running in, wearing an apron.

"What's wrong?" she asks with urgency.

"I hafta go potty."

"Edward, why didn't you take her to the bathroom?" Bella asks me, walking over to lift McKinley on her hip.

"I thought she'd just like, go in a diaper or something?" I respond.

"_Jesus_, Edward, she's _four_." Bella carries her into the bathroom and I stand where I was tugging at my hair. Fuck… I don't know what I'm doing.

A few minutes later they come back and Bella places her back by her coloring book. She takes one quick glance at me before briskly walking away back towards the kitchen. I follow her and find her standing at the stove, breathing heavily. Her hand rests on her forehead.

"I can't believe this. I just can't believe it" she utters to herself.

"I'm sorry…" I say, reaching my palms on her shoulders to soothe her.

"Don't touch me! I can't think when you're touching me!" she shouts.

I quickly move back.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know what to do" I say.

"You think a four year old still uses diapers, Edward. That child has been potty trained for a _year_ and a half, she just needs help gettin' on the seat, and you think she still uses _diapers_. I'm supposed to hand over my baby to you, and you can't even figure out what to do when she has to use a bathroom! I'm gonna have me a panic attack, I swear it to you, Lord Jesus."

"I would have figured it out, Bella. I promise I would have. It just happened so fast…" I say

"When would you have figured it out? Before or after she had a breakdown? She doesn't understand that she has to explain things to _you_. _You're_ the adult." she asks.

"Be fair…I'm new at this, okay? Now I know. Help her onto the potty, got it."

Bella sighs deeply.

"You don't know how difficult it can be to be a parent Edward. Once you find out, you're going to run as fast as you can, and I don't think she can handle that…" she tells me quietly.

"I'm not going anywhere. Ever. I'm going to prove that to you, I promise" I say at the same volume.

"To _her_, Edward. Not to me."

"To her _and_ you, Bella. You deserve my word too" I put my hands back on her shoulders and she sighs back into my body a little. "...and you have it. I'm not going anywhere until we figure this out and you're satisfied with the outcome. I want you to feel like she's safe with me, and not just that, but happy too. We're gonna figure it out, it's just going to be a process…"

"Thought I told you not to touch me…" she says.

"When have I ever listened?" I ask.

She laughs a little.

"Never."

"Well far be it for me to start listening now."

She turns towards me and gives me a half hearted smile.

"Dinner's 'bout ready. Hope you're hungry" she says.

I take a good long look at her.

"I'm starved."

* * *

_**Author's Note: Warning, this might be a long one, and may contain some mild spoilers**__. When I decided to write this story, I wanted to portray a realistic custody battle between two very flawed people. I chose to set the story in Louisiana for a good reason…Katrina. All of Edward's insecurities and reasons for leaving home have stemmed from PTSD from living through such a devastating storm. My intentions were to make that a very prominent fixture of this piece moving forward. There have been seeds planted to suggest it, his fear of the economy, his discontent each time it rains, even his obsession overseeing the ocean and thinking about jumping in... But, as I'm not a fortune teller, I could not predict that Isaac would come raging into Louisiana bringing back so many memories to so many families who really did live it. Because of this, I am going to alter my story, and make it less prominent than intended. It is not my goal to trigger anyone at all, and I'm going to do my best to keep things as tasteful as possible. My heart and prayers go out deeply to those affected by both Katrina and Isaac. To those of you fighting Isaac right now, please stay safe. You're in my thoughts, constantly. _


	11. Chapter 11

Flavor fills my senses and coats my tongue. I am transported back, to a time and place where things just made sense; when things were better; when I was better.

"Oh my God," I mumble around my mouth, still full of fucking deliciousness. I hadn't had her cooking in so long and she'd only gotten better at it with time.

"It's good, then?" Bella asks.

"It's fucking amazing" I say.

"Ahem," Bella clears her throat and nudges her head over at McKinley. Oh. I was going to have to learn to curb my language around the little one.

"Sorry…I meant to say that it's really good. I haven't had stroganoff in a long time."

"About four years, I imagine?" she replies, bitingly.

_That_ doesn't feel so nice.

"…I guess I deserve that." I say. I glance down at my food, feeling slightly shamed.

"No," Bella says with a sigh, "sorry. I'm tryin'."

I shrug in response, and then dig back in. I want this night, baggage and all, and I mean…its fucking good food, so what can I say? McKinley shifts her little body upwards to reveal Annabelle, sitting in her lap.

"Kinz what have I told you about toys at the table, _especially_ when we have guests? Its rude table manners" Bella asks her.

"But Annabelle isn't a toy Mama. She's part of the family."

"McKinley…" There is a tone of threat buried in her voice. It's one that I've never heard before, certainly not from Bella. She sounds like a _mom_.

"Mommy, please. I need her" McKinley states, crushing her dolly to her chest with all of her little might. Her fingers are clenched so tightly that they almost appear whitened in color. Her lip quivers and her eyebrows scrunch. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that McKinley isn't disrespecting her mother's rules because she just feels like playing at dinner…she's doing it because she's uncomfortable with me being here and Annabelle is a security blanket for her. One that I bought her. It's an enigma to be the one taking and providing comfort all at the same time. I can't bare the feeling that weighs on my chest, seeing someone so small look so unnerved.

"I don't mind…" I say aloud. Bella shoots me a look of anger and disbelief. I've promised to let her lead, but I can't help it. My tongue moves faster than my brain.

"McKinley Reilene…" Bella says, with that same _mom_ tone, again.

"Mommy! Please, Mommy. Please!" Her bottom lip juts out and her legs begin to rock. I'm all too familiar with what should come next. I always shudder when I'm out somewhere nice and some dumb broad carrying a small child allows them to scream their head off over something as ridiculous as a candy bar. But Bella's not a dumb broad, and this isn't just a candy bar, or a toy sitting on a shelf at the department store. The ensuing tantrum is fairly justified given the change swirling through the air. She is a byproduct of our mistakes, and her tantrum just a display of each and everything we have both done wrong as a pair.

Bella takes in a deep breath through her lungs. Her exhale makes my hair shake and my skin warmed from across the table.

"She may sit in an empty chair besides you, but off of your lap, young lady." Bella's voice is low, tempered with emotions so varied I'm not sure I could catch them all if I tried.

Annabelle is seated in her own chair, and she does in fact, look like part of the family. In some fucked up way, so do I. Not quite wanted, but not quite disallowed. I'm here on a trial basis, like the doll that doesn't blink. One foul mistake and its back to the toy box for you, Edward. Locked away like a Jack in his box.

"Thank you Mama" McKinley states before slurping up her buttered noodles. Some sauce hits her cheek and I smile. She is a beauty in all of her messes.

The rest of the meal is a quiet affair. Forks clink against plates, and lips kiss themselves as their teeth chew from behind. Compliments are offered, and cheeks run red. I help Bella carry the dishes to her sink and we work in synchronicity as she washes and I dry. I offer to complete the entire process myself, but she just shakes her head, and grabs the scrub brush without further utterance my way.

"I have to get McKinley ready for bed now" she tells me once glassware is safely tucked in the cupboards. Her voice is quiet, and full of goodbyes.

But…the evening is young and I don't care to leave just yet. Looking at the young girl I loved, who has blossomed into the woman who became my child's mother, I can't keep it inside.

"Can I stay?"

* * *

Water splashes and giggles fill the air. Little feet are scrubbed and ears squeaky clean so play time can commence. She stomps her hands into the water to make it splash, and finds reprimand as the water coats the floor. She has colorful fish toys in the tub , perforated so that she can fill them with water and squeeze it back out into the tub. I don't really get the entertainment factor, I really fucking don't, but she seems to, and her laughter is music to even a deaf man's ears.

It's not long before her fingers prune and its' time for bed. Bella lifts McKinley from the tub and dries her off with a hooded towel that covers her eyes and drapes out over her hands.

"Mama!" McKinley shouts, as Bella rubs the fabric across the plump flesh of her face.

"Ya gotta be dry, baby. I don't want you catchin' cold" Bella replies and McKinley's tongue pokes out as though she's ingested the cotton material instead of being brushed by it. Bella shakes her hair through the towel and brushes her little locks.

"But I _am_ cold, Mommy!"

"Not _that_ kinda cold, Kinley."

She's quick to warm her up by dressing her in bright pink pajamas covered in princesses and we toddle to her bedroom. The bed has a rail, just like my old one sitting in my Mama's house. Bella lifts her up, placing her by her pillows and drapes the blanket over her twiggy legs.

"Story time!" the young one wails, her hands folded and her eyes alight. There is a bounce in her stance, and a smile shining bright. Annabelle rests besides her, as she always seems to be.

"Would'ya like to do the honors, Edward?" Bella questions, one eyebrow lifted high on her crown.

"Um, alright…" I glance over at the book shelf on the other side of the room. It's full of tales to be told.

"Which book would you like to hear, McKinley?" I ask.

"You pick."

I walk over and run my fingers along the spines of half a dozen children's book before I see an old favorite of mine. I grasp the thin, blue hardcover with a chuckle. Blast from the mother effin' past. I plop myself down at the end of the mattress in front of an eager little girl.

"Ahem," I clear my throat, and turn to the first page.

"Lie down, baby. Its bed time" Bella tells her, and for a moment I forget that 'baby' is no longer in reference to me.

McKinley snuggles down into her comforter excited and ready for a show. I open the crisp cover and begin to read…

"The sun did not shine, it was too wet to play…"

The Cat in The Hat was my favorite book as a boy. The idea of mayhem bursting out from every corner in your own home was so exciting. I'd wanted to be Thing Two, I had decided. I wanted to fly kites and balance grumpy fish and crash into things…I had wanted chaos. How different childhood dreams could be from adult experiences. I cherished peace and quiet these days and seeing a cat jump up and down on a ball made me think of broken bones and bruised bottoms.

No, this book held a different emanation in it now, and I could see firsthand how the circle of life could come to be. McKinley could enjoy the chaos, as she had never seen the troubles life could bring, and this book could inspire children in ways it could no longer inspire me. I was passé, no longer but a boy. Still here, but no longer dreaming. Maybe this was what Mama was talking about when she'd told me over and over that I'd understand shit when I was older. All this knowledge, and painful memories buried in my heart made the entire world look so different now than it had before. There was no innocence left, and it quite possibly was stolen before I was old enough to know any better.

"The end…" I read, closing the cover. I glanced around and realized that Bella had slipped out on us at some point. We were so immersed in all things Seussical that we hadn't noticed. McKinley's eyelids fluttered and I could tell she would be off to the land of dreams in mere moments.

"Goodnight, Thing One" I said, dubbing her my Seuss counterpart.

She clasped Annabelle tightly in the crook of her arm.

"Ni-night" she whispered in response.

I walked from her room to the next hoping to find Bella, but she wasn't there. I glanced around a while before noticing her shadow resting along the rail of her porch. I walked out of the front door and stood behind her.

"Um, she's asleep" I said.

"Oh, okay…" Bella responded quietly, her arms clutching the sweater she wore tighter.

"What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"Just needed some quiet time to think. This whole day has been rather strange on me."

I walked from my perch behind her and stood next to her where I could see the side of her face.

"Thank you, for going through with tonight. I know you didn't want to."

"I didn't…" she starts in, but I've heard it so much before that it's become a broken record. It didn't matter to me why she's allowed me in, it only mattered that she had.

"You didn't do it for me, I know" I say, cutting her off. "I'm still grateful."

"Well, 'least one of us knows how to feel." Her arms cross over her chest; she still won't look at me.

"What do you mean?" I ask. I am desperate to see her face.

"You don't have any idea how it feels to be so conflicted about somethin' so big. I look at you, sittin' there at my table, smiling at my baby, actin' as though everything's fine and good and I feel…angry that you get to sit there, and happy that you are sitting there, and guilty for feelin' happy at all. You shouldn't get to walk on out and come back in like nothin' never happened. You shouldn't get to do that. But…all I ever did want was for the three of us to sit 'round the table, having a nice meal. So I sit there and I just let myself forget that you ain't been there all along, and I feel warm inside, like somehow life hasn't gone about lettin' me down so much. But then again, I look at you…sittin in those yankee clothes, talkin' with that yankee accent and I remember that you ain't that same sweet boy who held me in the park and told me how you were always gonna love me. You're just the guy who ran when things got tough."

"I know I've made mistakes Bella, but I don't think me coming back is one of them. I'm not even sure me leaving was one of them…all that I do know, is that I never wanted to hurt you, not once. And I _want_ you to feel happy to have me at your table, to smile at our daughter and be in her life. I want you to feel okay with that" I say.

"But how can I?" She turns to face me, her face flush with indecision and pain. She looks porcelain, too delicate to be touched…but my hands ache with the need to reach out.

"You were the one person I trusted with everything, Edward. I loved you so much I thought my heart'd burst at the seams! How could you leave me? I woulda done anything you'd asked, except give up my baby." She is impassioned, trying to keep tears at bay. She's shed too many tears to count, adding any more would be a sin.

"I wasn't ready, baby. I just wasn't. I'm sorry for that. Were I a stronger man, I'd have been a support system for you, but shit was so fucked up back then Bella. I wanted out. I wanted _you_ out with me."

"But not the baby" she says.

"No, not the baby. There was no getting out with a baby. Babies need things, things that cost money. Things that cost emotional currency. I wasn't prepared to give that to her"

"I can't keep doing this, Edward. I can't keep on havin' these conversations. We don't get nowhere, the stories never change. Part of me agrees with ya'. I got to make the decision to bring her in the world, you got to decide not to be a part of that. I just don't want it to hurt no more. Why's it still hurt?" Her hands find her face and I'm unsure how to proceed. I opt for comforting her, best I can.

I wrap my arms around hers and rub some warmth through the material of her sweater. She is soft and still so small next to my larger frame. She fits with me like a puzzle, borders connected and pieces still jumbled waiting to be filled into the center. With time, we could complete one beautiful picture. We just require some thought and effort.

"Bell, let me take you out" I utter, unbeknownst to even myself, prior to the words finding my lips.

"Huh?" she replies.

"Yeah…let's just drop all the drama for a day. Just you and me, old times style. We could hang out at the tavern, talk on the monkey bars…let's get us back on track and maybe heal some of what was damaged. What do you say?"

"I don't know, Edward…This…you, being here, is supposed to be about McKinley" she wears the wisp of a smile, but it is marred with something else; something sad and unwilling.

"And it is, but it's about you too. It's about our family. Go out with me. I'm kinda fun when I feel like it" I say, nudging her shoulder with mine. She smiles lightly.

"What's in it for you?" she asks.

"An evening with a beautiful girl; one that I've missed, a whole lot." I place my thumb at her chin and raise her face to meet my gaze. She is so beautiful, and her look is one of which that has haunted me.

I can recall staring into these eyes, feeling her soft skin, kissing the pillow of her lip. No matter how fucked up I felt, kissing her always made everything else go away. I want to kiss her, right now, to taste her irreverently. I want to strip her down, rip the cloth from her skin, and toss her to her mattress. I want to nip at the pebbled flesh beneath my fingertips and watch the trail of moisture as I leave scattered kisses in my path. I want her ravaged, and begging for an end that knows no beginning, only middles full of moans and scratching nails. I want her delicate, and tender. Trailing her fingers along my ears, down my neck towards my back. I want her laughter, her cries of happiness; her framed smile on my mantel place. Most of all, I want her forgiveness. I want her secrets buried in my mind, my name atop her speed dial.

I run the pressure of my thumb to her bottom lip and they part in my wake.

"Come out with me" my voice is husky, seeing her in this light, remembering the sound of her panting.

"What's in it for me?" she asks, her voice is rasp, her breathing shallow and she's watching me like she knows exactly where my thoughts have gone; where they couldn't help but go, looking at her mouth like that.

"An evening with someone you miss. Someone who wants to spend his time relearning you, inside and out."

She inhales deeply and her exhale fans my face.

"Ya'know, if I agree…I'm not going to sleep with you." Her tongue swipes her lower lip, where I've recently touched. It is soft, wet and supple. I miss that, too. I miss it everywhere.

"Not askin' you too. I just want to be with you, you can blaze the trail from there."

"Oh, so you're gonna follow my rules?" she asks, sounding skeptical.

"Uh huh, so long as you're willing to set them" I realize that I've begun to sway our bodies. She hasn't stopped me, hasn't seemed to want to. I am magnetized. She's all I see.

"You're on then. I'll plan for a babysitter and then I'll plan our evening. You get no say" she smirks.

"Little lady, you've got yourself a deal."

She puts her hand out to shake, and I grasp it eagerly.

* * *

I can't wait to get into bed. My hand and my dick have a date scheduled for right before sleep time and the rest of me is rather excited about it. I find my way up Maggie May's stairwell and into my room. I crash onto the comforter and run my fingers against my jaw. I don't even know what happened during the mind fuck of the evening. All I know is that my stomach is fucking jittery with feelings of come what may. I'm excited and terrified.

I can't fight the smirk that adorns my face. This shit could be good…really good. My phone buzzes and I grab it at a glance.

Oh, fuck. Tanya. How did I forget about…again?

"Uh, hey…" I answer.

"Hey babe. How's it going down there?" she asks.

"It's…good. Really tired."

"Aw. Well I miss you. Are you covering any ground with McKinley?" she asks.

"Uh, yeah. That's moving along. All good stuff, promise" I say.

"You alright?" she asks.

"Just Georgia peachy…" I say as I sigh.

What the fuck now?

* * *

_**AN:** Hey guys, sorry about the delay. My work schedule got flipped upside down and I'm adjusting to my new routine. I haven't lost interest in this story, nor will I. I always finish what I start…I hope you're still with me._


	12. Chapter 12

**EPOV**

She smells amazing lying in my sheets pressed up against me. My body is her anchor. I skim my nose along the willowy flesh of her neck, taking in her scent. Her femininity attacks my senses and I am on overdrive. She takes hold of my wheels and they spin in time with the beating of her heart. My tongue peaks out as my lips suck skin and I coax my teeth into staying at bay. They want to sink in, to find themselves buried as deep inside her as my soul did when it got lost in hers, but they dare not mar her milky white coat.

My hands roam down her side, finding the elastic band atop of her sleep pants. They speak to my hands, telling them to rip the weary fabric off of her as they hug her waist, but I won't comply. I'll be going slowly tonight for I know that our time has an expiration date, and every second with her is to be savored. My palm slips inside of the front of her pants, reaching down to test her desires.

"Mmm," she moans, accepting each digit that I give. "What're you doing?" she slurs.

"Saying good morning" I tell her, exploring her deeper territories. Her mouth turns up into the sexiest grin I've yet encountered.

She pushes my hand aside and turns to face me. Her own fingers find my hair and tug my face down to hers.

"Good morning" she breathes into my mouth kissing me huskily. Her tongue greets mine clumsily and her leg finds my hip. My body is reflexive; I can no longer control its movement. It grinds in time with hers, finding her center over and over; greeting her warmth with my own.

I turn her body faced away from me once more, and allow myself the pleasure of removing her bottoms. She hisses quietly in the dark.

"You ok?" I ask; my voice is deep, coated in lust for her.

"Mm hmm, it's just cold in here" she sounds shy, suddenly.

I'll take care of that, I promise her internally. Sliding down my own cover, I use my body as a cover for hers. With the right placement, I find my home, and I _am_ so thoroughly home inside of her. So I pledge find it again that night, and once more in the morning…if she's still there when I wake up.

* * *

The starchiness of my collared shirts is starting to wilt. I had gone with a pea green colored selection for this morning, but it was just the weariest of sights. My dry cleaner resided back in Jersey and kept with her all of the secrets to a stiff, crisp, professional looking collar. Tightening the tie dressing my neck, I skipped down the stairwell to the lobby.

"Oh Miss Maggie May…" I called down the hall, past the sign in counter. I wandered into her kitchen to find her waist deep in flipping flap jacks; her eyelet apron tattered, torn and stained with exuberant love.

"Well, mornin' to you, Little Eddie Cullen. What has you up so bright this morn?" she replied, jolliness present in her air.

"Sunday church service and I'm bringing you with me, so leave these to me and go get dressed" I tell her, matter-of-factly.

"Don't you go on bein' silly now. You know I've got to stay here and tend to the B&B." She leans the silicone spatula head across the counter top to slap my wrist as I reach for a fluffy breakfast cake. "You go on 'head though son. God is good for the soul, don't you know."

I stuff the circular goodness into my mouth and scarf it fast before I can receive another lashing. Her face scrunches in response.

"…Which is why I'm bringing you with me, Mags. I happen to know for a fact that I'm your only border for the time being, so I'm busting you out. You spend far too much time behind these four walls, so today, Miss Maggie May, is your day off. Put down the spatula."

"Ya' sure are awful young for havin' such a large mouth, did your Mama never tell ya' that, child? Why, in my day no young man would ever imagine to talk to an old woman with such imposition! Most definitely not in her own kitchen at that. If I had my ole' stompin' boot on right now, boy, I'd bop you upside your head with it, and the resulting bruise would ensure you'd not soon forget it!" She wagged her stubby thick finger at me and I couldn't help but smile.

People rarely did anything nice for Miss Maggie. She was a courtesy to them, a service to be used and discarded with the morning's sun. My audacity to remove her from the routine of servitude she'd bound herself to in order to provide her with some much needed free-time was nothing short of baffling for her.

…But…God _was_ good for the soul, and mine needed some cleansing. Seeing to it that Miss Mags took some time for herself was just a crumb off of the family-sized atonement muffin.

"Bop if you have to, but you're taking a day off. You deserve it, and I won't hear another word. Give the spatula here." I held out my palm for the flapjack flipper and she huffed with a breath rivaling the largest of twisters. Handing it over with much flourish, her fists found her chubby little waist. She babbled as she walked down the hall to the room she called her own.

"Why, I never. In all my years. Big ol' pumpkin head, that's what he is. Stubborn punk" floated down the walls with an echo, and I laughed. I loved that lady and all of the spunk she possessed.

Ziplocking the fluffy cakes and setting them aside, I took to the dishes. Bowls were piled high, filled with gooey muck and more utensils than I had in my own kitchen at home. Not to mention three skillets coated in two pounds of sweet butter. She liked to cook breakfast for an army of underfed soldiers needing some meat and lard on their bones.

When I finished, I glanced up to see her dressed in a green dress, the shade matching my shirt. She wore a bright yellow hat that swallowed her eyes like the cat that ate the canary. She looked like a lovely, God fearing church-goer.

"Well, you got me all dolled up, ya' happy now? Why, I had to practically dust off my closet rod just to get to it, and I ain't even sure it's fitting me properly, but I found my old Church dress. And it's on, so don't you go on giving me no lip 'bout nothing today. I'll take you over my knee if I've got to." Her face was glowing with joy, and rouge number five. Her lips rubied and her eyes painted a light shade of blue. She was so happy and so afraid to admit it.

"You've got a no lip guarantee. You look beautiful, Mags" I tell her, sincerely.

"That is one Miss Maggie May to you, young man. Now come along, I don't have all day, you know. Time is a'wastin'"

"Yes, Ma'am."

* * *

Miss Maggie May wraps her arm around my elbow. The church is as crowded as my last visit, and I can tell that she's nervous. She's not used to crowds, especially outside of her own nesting area. I spot my parents in the crowd and walk Mags over to them.

"Baby boy! There you are. I was beginnin' to worry you weren't going to make it today." Mama kisses both my cheeks and wraps her arms around me in a big hug.

"Son" my father greets. I nod in response.

"Ya need a haircut" he says.

...and that's my Pops.

"Mama, you remember Maggie May right? I thought she could sit with you and Pops during service today" I tell her, ignoring Pops' gripes about me and giving Maggie May a place of her own within the hallowed walls. Two birds, one stone.

"Why of course I do, been some time since I visited the old bed'n'breakfast but I always did feel its charm. How've you been?" Mama asks.

Mama and Miss Maggie catch up as I look around. I can feel her here, so I know if I keep looking I'll spot her. I'm only mildly worried she'll be able to read this morning's dream on my face. The rest of me is just too anxious to see her to care.

She's here, of course, wearing a swirl of purple flowers on a white linen dress. She's standing with Mary-Alice and that exuberant girl she works with, Brittany, Bethany, Bertucci...whatever. Before I can make eye contact, Mags nudges me in the stomach; hard.

Fucking ow.

"What was that for?!" I exclaim.

She nods her head in the direction of Mr. Henderson, the man who stayed with us a ways back. He's wrapped tightly around a woman who clearly is not the woman he introduced us to as _Mrs_. Henderson. Maggie hadn't caught on to his affair that day in her kitchen.

"What a terrible man, and making me a party to his tactlessness! Well, I'll be!" she whispers, shaking her head with disapproval.

"There's a lot of us out there, Mags" I say, and she swats me gentle.

"Stop that now. And my name is Miss Maggie May, boy you better recognize."

"Oh, hey y'all look! There's Bella!" Mama says, pointing out the object of my unadulterated affection.

I'm all fucked up in the head when it comes to Bella today. Spending time with her has been…a rollercoaster. I could fall back in love with her within a blink of an eye, and I know it. I also that wouldn't be the worst news in the world was it not for the fact that I had a good woman back home; a great fucking woman waiting on me. A woman who stood by me through a really fucking huge lie, who stands by me while I'm down here in the middle of bumbfuck nowhere having fantasies about a woman who mothered my child. I am shame. I am disgust. I am so utterly fucked.

In brutal honesty, Bella is not the first woman I've looked at since dating Tanya by any means. I'm human, I'm a guy; I have eyes and a dick and when I see a good looking woman I can appreciate it. But…not once, never in our entire relationship have I ever forgotten about her. Not once have I ever thought about cheating or even considered it a possibility, not until being back here with Bella. And that was fucking…wrong. I had repenting to do, for certain, and I had to get my mind right before I made everything so much worse. Tanya deserved better. _Bella_ deserved better.

"Bella, child, come on over!" Mama shouts across the congregation, and Bella looks abashed as she walks towards us.

"Mornin' y'all" she says.

"Oh Miss Bella, how nice to see ya! Been, oh, I don't know how long since I seen 'ya last. Probably been bout since the last time I'd seen Little Ol' Eddie Cullen here since y'all used to be glued to the hip, quite literally in fact. Why, I remember back on your prom night, Little Eddie here…" Maggie May is all chuckles.

"Ahem," Mama clears her throat, cutting off Miss Maggie from embarrassing us any further.

"It's nice to see you Miss Maggie May. All of ya's" Bella smiles shy.

"Bella, dear, Carlisle and I were wondering…now, I know things have done been crazy 'round here, what with Eddie bein' in town and all, but we haven't gotten to see McKinley in some time, and well, we've been missin' her bunches. Could we maybe take her for the night?" Mama asks.

Bella glances at me, before smiling gently at Mama.

"Well… I suppose it would be alright. Kinz has missed you guys."

"Oh!" Mama reaches out to give Bella the hug of the century and Bella giggles quietly, hugging her back.

"Thank you precious. It's been so quiet at home not havin' her visit!"

"No, thank you. It'll be nice for her. I'm glad things are settlin' back down." Bella lets go of Mama and the Priest pokes his head outside letting everyone know it's time to come in. The crowd begins to dissipate, and my folks take Mags with them to get prime seats. I decide to hang back, to see what Bella will do.

"So, just so you know, this is your big chance" she says, crossing her arms.

"My big chance?" I question.

"Uh huh. What, with your mama watching Kinley, my night is suddenly free and clear. You wanted us to do somethin', so here's your big chance. Today. After church."

"And you'll let me take you out?" I ask.

"Well, sorta. You said I could plan it, and I know just what I want to do. If you're still up for it after all" she smirks.

"Well…yeah. Yeah, no, I'm up for it. What'd you have in mind?"

"Just show up at my place dressed casually 'bout an hour after service. Then, you'll see."

"I'll be there" I tell her.

"Good. Come on now, it's not fashionable to be late for Church."

* * *

I smash the palm of my hand against my hair, trying to make it shrink. I'm nervous.

My fist raps against the old battered door and I wait. Slowly, it opens and Bella finds me with a smile.

"I thought ya might chicken out on me" she says, her arms crossing beneath her breasts.

She looks so fucking hot like that. Her tits ample and soft, so much fuller than the last time I had the pleasure of greeting them up close and personal. I've missed them and the rosy blush they capture when my hands grasp them and my mouth engulfs what my hands leave behind. I shake my head clear of the thought.

"Why's everyone always think I'm always going to fail to show up? Damn" I complain, making a face and turning my face to the ground.

"Maybe it's 'cuz they know ya" Mary-Alice peaks her head out from behind Bella, eyebrows raised, scowl firmly in place.

"Hello Mary-Alice" I gripe.

"Hey numb-nuts. You take care of this girl, ya hear? I've got a whole tube of icy hot in my purse and I know where you shit."

"_Alice!_" Bella exclaims, her eyes growing large.

"What!? It's true. His ass will burn for hours…"

Bella pushes Mary-Alice back inside and pulls the door shut behind her.

"Sorry 'bout her. She's just scared I haven't learned nothin' 'bout nothin'."

"If you had, would you be spending the day with me?" I ask.

"I'm a pretty good judge of character, Edward. I know what I'm doin'. I'll meet ya in your car, just give it a minute alright?" She places her palm back on the door handle and starts on in. I make my way back to my driver's seat and wait.

She comes back outside with an old fashioned picnic basket, blue and white checkered fabric and all. I had forgotten there were people who actually had those… Up North everyone just uses insulated coolers filled with store-bought ice and six packs of Bud Lite.

She climbs in the passenger's and places the basket in my backseat.

"You're gonna drive South, 'bout five miles before hangin' a right. Alright?" she tells me.

"Where are we even going? To the park?" I ask

"No…you haven't been back to Louisiana in some time, so I'm takin' you somewhere _New Jersey_ just doesn't have. Now follow my directions and you'll see where we end up" she smiles at me. She is my map, if she gives me a destination, I'll follow.

Twenty minutes in and she has me pull over on a random spot of road.

"Here?" I ask with confusion.

"Not here, not exactly. Just past this way is the bayou, I've rented us a row boat." She grins and my heart drops.

I don't want to visit the bayou. It's a disgusting swamp disguised as something majestic. It's full of gators and pelicans and sludge. It holds no beauty, it offers no peace. My palms are sweaty, and the rate of my heart is accelerated.

"Oh. Great" I smile, trying to stop myself from swallowing hard.

She's gathered the basket and we begin to walk, blissfully unaware of my discomfort.

"Oh, uh, I'll take it" I tell her, reaching for her heavy load. I haven't forgotten my manners at least.

"Thanks" she grins.

Along the murky water lies a rickety old piece of wood. I'm guessing that that's our boat.

Scent overwhelms my nostrils; mold, mildew and stale water. I've smelled that particular aroma before, and its one I never cared to smell again.

Keeping my wits about me, I help Bella into the boat, and place the basket beside her before climbing in on the other end. The boat sinks in with our weight just slightly, and suddenly I am surrounded by wetlands.

I blink hard, and take a deep breath. I don't want to be here, at all. I look away from the water to find the trees dancing above our heads. They billow to and fro to a breeze I've felt no other place than the Louisiana bayou. It's ominous in appearance, the slow moving leaves. They put me in a trance and I'm not sure which part of them is residing in my reality. Taking an ore, we each begin to paddle out until the deep unknown.

"I thought that this would be a nice place to talk. It's so hard, gettin' a moments silence you know? What with work, and McKinley around. It's so nice and quiet out 'round here, makes me feel calm" Bella tells me. I paddle on. Her voice is distant, it's as if she is here and not all at the same time.

"Yeah, I haven't been out here in a long time" I reply, clearing my throat and shaking my head.

"It'd be nice for us to try and get to know one 'nother again. Makes sense to try it in a place that exemplifies our youth. 'Specially one so quiet in nature" she smiles.

I nod, swallowing hard again. All that I can see is the damn water all around me. It's suffocating. I feel like someone is choking me. That fucking water. It's so dirty. It's not quite brown, and it's not quite green either but some combination of the true. Here and there patches of algae wander through the middle and the smell just grows stronger and stronger. I can barely breathe.

I try to take a deep breath. If I can just focus on the dancing trees and my breathing, I'll be okay.

"I liked to come out here when I was pregnant and all. Got to think 'bout who McKinley might be, when she came on outta me. In fact, funny story, but I actually named her out here. Hey, Edward? You listenin' to me?"

"Uh, yeah, Bell. Go on." I pull at my collar.

My breathing is getting to be uncontrollable. All I see is the fucking water, and now I can feel it falling all over my face. Is that mist that I feel? Is it rain? The water current picks up speed, and I can feel my body being tossed about with its change in direction. We're passing more and more algae…or is that someone's mail box? I can't see anymore. My eyes have begun to blur; I can't fucking see. I can feel the waves swaying me forward and I realize that I need to get a grip or I'm not going to make it through.

I see the lighting pole up ahead and I grasp hold of it with my entire body. My arms cling to the pole in a bid for safety. "God, please get me through this," I say aloud. I turn my head from side to side, but it's too blurry to see. Things are happening so fast. Wood is flying passed me, and I can hear the screams. Fuck, they keep getting louder. I lift my eyelids wide enough to catch sight of a man holding onto a tree.

"I've got you" he says. "Don't you let go now."

"Daddy, I'm scared" a little voice mumbles from beyond the roaring water. I can see him now. A small brown head peers up at his father, looking for help.

"Don't be scared, you keep hold of my hand and you'll be safe, I've got you."

The little boy grips his daddy's hand tightly, but the current is so strong. I can feel it pushing _me_, forcing _me_ to hold the pole with all of my might. How can someone so small hold on so tight? Where will he find the strength? Is he capable?

The thunder booms and the winds come on stronger than ever. I grasp the wood and clench my eyes shut. I want to go home. I want my own Pops.

"Daddy!" the little boy cries.

I open my eyes to see what he's doing. Only…he isn't so much a little boy anymore, but a little girl wearing Bella's eyes.

"Daddy, I can't hold on anymore" McKinley tells me. I glance down at my hand, it's clutching hers. She's in front of me now and there are no man, no small boy and no tree; just me and my daughter's tiny hand. It's so small and fragile, and I know I'm crushing it by holding it so tight but when I consider the alternative, I just grasp it harder.

"Yes you can, baby. You hold on tight, Daddy's got you" I hear my voice say, but feel no movement in my lips.

And the thunder is loud, and the wind is so strong and she is so small. How do I protect this little life from this big storm? How do I keep her safe from things I have no control over?

"No, Daddy I have to let go" she tells me.

My heart drops, my stomach aches and my vision is blank.

"Edward?" I hear a voice, masked in the distance; but my focus is taken. This little girl needs me, and her hand is slipping from mine. I want to let go of the pole, I want to wrap my arms around her to keep her safe. I want to hold her and let her know everything is going to be okay.

But I can't. Letting go of the pole means we will both perish, so I grasp her little blue fingers a little harder. I can't promise her words of comfort, I've none to give. I'm begging with God to get us out of this, together and safe. I'd bargain anything. My life for hers, if it came down to it. Every penny in my bank account, to see her grow and thrive.

"Hold onto Daddy baby, you hold onto me."

Her teeth shiver and her eyes are wide as the rain pours into them. I can't protect her and my will to live dwindles because of it.

"McKinley, you hold on!" I roar. She needs to hear me over the storm; it's the only thing I can offer her.

"Daddy I can't!" she cries hard.

A large burst of water comes crashing against me, and little fingers are forced out of mine.

"McKinley!" I scream with all of my power but it's no use. My hands grasp in front of me, trying to grab her back but it's too late. She's drifted too far already and I can't reach her, not without letting go, and if I let go, I'll never be able to help her.

"McKinley, you grab something baby! Grab onto something!" I shout, begging God to save her. If I can give her words of survival, I'll send them out to her. I need her to hear me, I need her to understand.

"Grab something!" I yell out.

"Daddy!" she wails, her voice drifting further and further away from me; her body out of my sight.

"You hold onto something baby…" my voice breaks. I'm so fucking useless. I feel like vomiting, and I want to lunge off of this pole but I can't. I can't feel my arms anymore; they are too heavy to bear. Oh my God. What the fuck just happened?

"McKinley!" I scream out. I have to get to her. I need to get to her right this fucking second.

"McKinley!"

The only response I get is a clap of thunder.

"Fuck you!" I yell. Why is this happening!? She's just a small child! She can't make it without someone helping her. Fuck. I don't know what to fucking do! _I _need help!

"McKinley!" I break down into tears. I'm exhausted from holding on, and if I lose her, I have no reason to fight anymore.

"Edward?" my name is spoken through the haze again.

"McKinley…please" I moan, reeling from the physical pain I feel in my gut. I failed. I failed her in the worst way possible.

"Edward?"

I drop my head to the pole and bang it against it.

"Fuck!" I scream.

"Edward?"

My eyes open and the face I see in front of me still has Bella's eyes. Fortunately, it also has the rest of Bella's face. We're still in the row boat, the weather is fine, and the water is undisturbed.

"Edward?" she asks again.

"Uh, yeah?" I ask.

"What just happened?"

* * *

**AN:** _Thanks for reading guys! Here's a random fact about me...I'm not particularly capable of reading back my own stories...I get too self conscious! I'd love to hear some info about all of you, so drop me a line if you feel like sharing!_


	13. Chapter 13

**EPOV**

"What just happened?"

Bella stares at me, wide eyed and scared.

"Edward?" she asks. Her head is tilted, slightly askew.

"Huh?" I ask, blinking my lids twice. "Oh," I clear my throat. "Sorry, just…spaced out, I guess."

"Look at me…" she says, her eyebrow is puckered, her face moves around trying to catch my eye.

I try to glance up but I can't. My skin is ashen, my heart accelerated and I can feel the sweat against my brow. I can see her, but she's still distant from me. It's as if she moves with each sway of the wind and my eyes just remain stationary.

"Edward…" she says in a sigh. Her hand reaches out to grasp my face, pulling my eyes straight to hers. "What's going on?"

But what can I say when I'm not sure I even know my own name right now?

"I don't know, sorry. I told you, I just spaced." The words come from my lips and out of my mouth, I think, but I'm not sure.

"I've seen you space out before. This was something else… Edward, I think you just had a panic attack." Her face wears her concern, a validated emotion. How can I be her kid's dad if I can't sit in a fucking swamp for a couple of hours? This is why I left this fucking place. I can't _be_ here. I don't _want_ to be here.

"I'm fine, Bella. I'm sorry if I scared you." I don't want to tell her the truth; that I'm not fine. That I'm a fucking mental case that breaks down each time I catch a weather forecast that doesn't predict sunny with a high of seventy-five. We're still on shaky ground, her and I, and I'm supposed to be proving just the opposite; that I'm great, totally fine.

"You're not fine, you're trembling" she says, moving her tiny hands into the coarse skin of my own. Looking down at our fingers grasped tight, I see them rattling.

"Sorry… I don't know what's happening…" I whisper to her.

"Stop apologizing and talk to me instead. You can tell me anything, Eddie. It's _me_. I'm not goin' anywhere…just talk" she says with fervent honesty.

Looking at her face makes me feel like less of a man. She's as present as can be, and my head is nothing but fog. I'm so afraid right now, and my entire body feels the tension like a thousand pounds of steel are wrapped around my muscles. I'm so grateful she's here with me, pulling me back, bringing me to reality…but, fuck her for being my safety. I'm supposed to be someone she can count on to protect _her_! I can't be her savior if I'm quivering like a little fucking girl.

"I'm scared, Bell…" I whisper, knowing it's the wrong thing to say. Knowing it's the only honest thing I can say.

"Why are you scared?" she asks.

"The water…" I suck in a deep breath of oxygen. "It's consuming me." I breathe out.

"The water is staying where it is, Eddie. You don't have to be afraid of it" she tells me.

My head starts to shake no briskly.

"You don't know that. The rain could come back, and it could rise, and then what? We cling to some inanimate object for life praying someone will find us but the minutes will feel like hours and the will to live will dissipate all together and we can't stop it, Bella. We can't do shit about shit, except wait it out and hope we make it through and there are no fuckin' guarantees! Holy fuck, I can't breathe" I moan, grasping my head.

I start to gasp and I feel her hands rubbing my back.

"Shh, shh, shh. You're okay, just look at me. Just look at me Edward, and it'll be okay."

I take in as much air as my lungs will allow. I try to focus in on her face, to keep me grounded. She's my pillar in the hurricane. But she isn't inanimate at all, and she's so fucking tangible right now. My hands agonize at the thought. I want to grasp her, take her, consume her. She is safety. She is home.

My breathing resumes to normal and my eyes focus in on her soft alabaster.

"I'm sorry Bella" I say, coming back to earth.

She says nothing, just strokes my back and presses her lips to my forehead.

* * *

We find our way back to dry land. She takes my hand and we walk through the lush green grass to a secluded spot. I don't know where we're going or what we're doing; I'm just letting her tiny fingers take me there. Shadows of leaves off willowing trees fall on her skin, moving with her as she walks. She is elemental. Beautiful.

We sit down, letting the grass crunch under our weight. It's crisp today. She opens the basket she's brought along and pulls out some sandwiches and bottles of water.

"Eat somethin', it'll make your belly better" she says, placing a PB&J on a napkin and handing it to me.

My stomach is fire and acid that's boiling and bubbling. How did she know?

"Don't know if I can" I sigh.

"Try."

A mere sandwich and a half later and I'm a new man. Despite the swollen eyes and balmy skin I feel safe. I feel normal. It's a splash of water to the face.

"Does that happen often?" she questions me.

I take a breath knowing I'll find humility in my honesty.

"No, not often. It did though, before I left though."

"What does it feel like for you?" she asks.

"Like I'm not here anymore. Like I've gone somewhere else… somewhere awful. Bell," I say, scratching my head. "Being down here is really tough for me. I still feel the sense of destruction in the air and I try to fight it, but it still lingers in my fucking skin."

"And these attacks were happenin' back when we were still together, Edward?" she asks.

"Yeah, Bell. They, uh, got worse when we found out you were pregnant" I say, rubbing the back of my neck.

"But why… why didn't you ever talk to me about it? I always told you everything 'bout me, why wouldn't you come to me with somethin' like this? This wasn't somethin' little." she asks.

"Because…It's…It's fucking embarrassing, Bella. 'Oh, yeah, sorry I'm late tonight baby, but I was just throwing up on the side of the road because they're predicting rain for the morning.' It's not fuckin' normal. I didn't want to tell you that shit. I was embarrassed."

"So what? Why would you be embarrassed to tell me anything? You could go on and grow a big ol' horn in the middle of your forehead, and it wouldn't have changed a damn thing between you and me. Gosh, If I didn't let you know that back then, well, then I am sorry because you should have known that implicitly" she says with a frown and a shake of her head.

"It had nothing to do with how you were back then or how you are now, Bella. But I'm a man, for Christ's sakes. And, pops always taught me that it was my job as a man to ensure that my Mama was always gonna be taken care of, and as soon as there was a lady in my life to do the same for her. I couldn't take care of you Bella, I knew it then and I sure as fuck didn't want you to realize that. I had _some_ pride."

"But it was _our_ relationship, Edward. Not no one else's! It shouldn't matter what your daddy told you, it should only matter what _I _told you. All I ever wanted was for you to be yourself and for you to be honest with me. I could have helped you through this. We would have gotten through it _together_. I can take care of myself; I never needed _you_ to do that." Her arms cross against her chest and it heaves gently. Her face is slightly pink in color. Her lips beg me to kiss it away. If she would just say the words…

"_I_ needed me to do that. I was a fucking failure, Bella-"

"No," she cuts me off with a wave of her finger. "You were never a failure until you walked away. You gave up. You think you're a failure because you can't challenge God? I can't tell you when the next storm'll hit and I for one am thankful for that! I don't want to know! None of us can control what happens to us, we just have to keep on truckin'. I could go 'head and get hit by a bus tomorrow, Edward, and how are you going to stop that from happenin'? You can't. No more than I can, no more than anyone else can. Your father can't either, by the way. He ain't infallible either."

"But it's my responsibility to keep you as safe as I can…" I start.

"Fuck you, no it is not! Stop trying to control _everything_! Here is a news flash, you can't!" she cuts me off again, with a flourish of her arms.

"Fine, Bella, but it IS my responsibility to keep _McKinley_ safe."

She sighs and her shoulders slump.

"And how did you expect to do that from so far away, then?" she says, exhaling deeply.

"I…I don't know. All that I knew was that I couldn't and that I wasn't strong enough to be here so I just thought…I'd leave. I wasn't the man you needed and I thought in my absence, you'd be okay, and you'd move on with someone stronger than I am."

"We didn't need someone stronger than you are; we just need you…as you are. You shoulda' talked to me back then, Edward. Walking away instead was _not_ okay." She runs her fingers through her dark hair.

"You're right, and I'm sorry" I say. What else is there to say?

She sighs and moves to sit closer to me. Her hands reach out into the picnic basket and she brings out a small container. She opens it to reveal one of those God-awful raspberry lemon squares.

"Peace offering?" she asks.

I smile at the sickening little treat.

"You do know those things are revolting, right?" I give her a slight smirk.

"They're delicious," she rolls her eyes, shaking her head. "Besides, you brought me some in truce, so I thought I'd do the same" she looks me in the eye, and she is humbled. Honest and present, her guard is down. She is pure. Light and sound.

We split it, and I swallow the sour-sweet along with my pride. I stripped it bare to her today, and now… well, I need it no longer.

* * *

As the sun sets, we decide to make our way to the Green House Tavern. I want to buy her a drink, and she wants a night out away from the drama. A little fun would do both of us some much needed good.

I open the door for her and we welcome in the stale scent of our old stomping grounds.

"I haven't been in here in so long!" she says to me, wearing a big smile. The fact that it's still there on her face means that I'm indebted to someone higher up than me.

"Why don't you go on and find us a seat and I'll get drinks. What would you like?" I ask.

"Real drinks from the real bar? My, my, we have gone up in the world" she giggles.

"Very cute," I laugh, "really though, what can I get you?"

"Hmm…how about a hurricane?" she says, smirking. I can see she's holding in a laugh.

"Oh look at that, you're on a fuckin' roll tonight, Trixie" I say with sarcasm as she laughs.

"No seriously, though. It's a good drink. I'll go find a seat."

She wanders off and I sigh.

"Great, spend my whole adult life avoiding fucking hurricanes and now I'm ordering one up" I mutter to myself.

I get her drink and my beer and I head off to find her in a small booth in the corner.

"Here you are" I say, passing her fruity cocktail to her.

"Thanks" she takes a big sip as I sit across from her.

Some ridiculous rap song from our youth is playing on the decrepit old Juke. It's fucking awful.

"Oh gosh, Edward," she laughs. "Do you remember this song? Can we dance?"

"Seriously, Bell?" I ask, my face falling. I haven't danced to shitty music in a long time, and I can't say I've missed it.

She smiles and starts bobbing her shoulders up and down.

"Uh, uh, uh, uh" she sings in a deep, masculine tone to the beat and I laugh at her. She has no rhythm at all and she sounds fucking weird.

"You look ridiculous, you know that right?" I tell her.

She just smiles sliding out of the booth and comes around to grab my arm.

"Come on…" she tells me, tugging.

"We're grownups now, Bella, not teenagers" I tell her as she pulls me up from my chair and into the middle of the room.

"Too bad, it's my day and we're dancing" she says, yanking my arms around her waist. She puts her little hands on my shoulders and starts bouncing her body up and down against mine.

I can't help it; I stay still and keep laughing.

"Come on, you old fart! Dance with me!" she complains, bouncing.

I shake my head and grasp her hips tightly, bringing her body further against my own. She lets out a small gasp and I try not to think about the last time I heard that sound come from her sweet tongue. We move with the beat and I take note of how amazingly soft her tits feel against my chest.

"I feel like a kid right now" I tell her in her ear.

"Good, _you_ _need_ to lighten up" she says. She moves her top half away from me slightly, but keeps her hips firmly planted. Her hands find my chest and she rubs me up and down, still bouncing her lower half. She feels so good against me.

I can feel myself harden and I try to do the polite thing by pulling back from her, but her body moves with mine. We are still magnets, my hips still steer hers. She still steers me.

I slip my leg between hers and she rests one arm around my shoulder.

"This is nice…" she mumbles, pressing her face into chest.

"Mm hmm" I respond. I can't think. She's grinding my thigh and her breathing has picked up slightly. All I feel is fucking warmth on my leg. I don't even need to get her pants off to know that she's wet and ready. I know this body, I remember all of the signs.

She runs her other arm up and down my chest again before her eyes look up at me.

"Edward…" she whispers.

"Yeah, babe?" I respond.

"Take me to your room tonight."

My eyes widen for a second. I look down at her.

"Huh?" I ask.

"We can go back to figuring things out tomorrow, but for tonight, I want you to take me to your room."

I bring my hand over the top of the one she has resting on my chest. I cup it gently. Her skin is smooth, soft.

"We can't do that." I say, gently.

"Sure we can. I want to feel closer to you right now. I want you to make me feel so good. You always make me feel so good" she says, her lips find my chin and she sucks on the skin gently. My dick is impossibly hard and I want her so bad.

"I'll make you feel so good too, promise" she whispers, kissing up my neck. "You remember, don't you? How good you felt, sliding inside of me? Over and over?"

And I do. I can picture us. Her body on top, gliding me up and down, milking me for all I have. I'd use my fingers to stroke her and her mouth would open wider, lips already so swollen. Misted with sweat, she'd glow in her exertion, pumping, sliding and moaning her sweet gasps of need, want and fulfillment. I could fill her up tonight, and fuck yes, I want to. I want to hear her scream, want to feel her tremble. I want to taste every inch of her, and revel in her as she tastes every inch of me. But…

"I know you would baby, and I remember… but we can't…" I say. She doesn't know everything, and I won't hurt her again. Not if I can help it.

"Why not?" she asks, inching her tongue along the back of my ear.

Without realizing it, my palm has found the swell of her ass. I rub her soft, and squeeze tight. God, I remember holding this ass. Grasping it while I pumped myself inside, not wanting her skin to touch the rough wooden edge of the surface we were fucking on.

"I um, I have to um, tell you something…" I say

"Tell me tomorrow." She sucks my bottom lip between hers. I try to resist, I swear that I do, but her lips… that mouth…

My tongue finds hers and they each other stroke in time. She's soft, slippery and so wet. I hear her moan and my dick is so painfully hard that I swear it could fall off. Her teeth grasp my lip and she gives it a tug. My hands pull her hip tighter against me and I grind my body to hers.

"Will you take me?" she whispers, pull her mouth inches from mine.

"Fuck me, I want to" I whisper against her lips.

"So do it" she urges. "I promise I won't stop you."

"I can't without telling you…" I sigh, resting my forehead on hers.

"So tell me, then take me to your room and touch me" she says, licking her tongue on my lips quickly. "Everywhere."

"You won't let me touch you after I tell you…" I say.

"You wanna bet?" she pulls both of my hands onto her ass.

"Fuck," I sigh.

"Hurry…" she whimpers.

"Bell…" I sigh. "Bella, I…uh, I have someone…up North…"

"Huh?" she whispers, sucking on my neck.

"I'm uh…engaged…"

Her head whips back and she looks at me. "What'd you say?"

"Fuck," I groan.

"Oh Gosh." She steps back and puts her hands on her face.

"Oh my Gosh."

"Bella…" I start.

"Just give me a minute to settle down, please."

I stay near, but I give her a few feet of space. Did I just fuck up even more? I couldn't lie to her, I just couldn't. I'm trying to fix shit, not make it worse. What else could I have done? Fuck my life.

"Well, well, well," I hear a voice approach. "Someone sure seems to be gettin' comfy round here." Michael Newton pops his big fat ugly face into our moment.

"Shut the fuck up Michael" I warn. I'm not in the Goddamned mood right now.

"Now, now. If anyone needs to shut the fuck up 'round here, I reckon it'd be you. Seems by the body language you're receiving that the little lady is ready to go on and leave without you, so go on now, run along. Don't let my boot kick ya' in the ass on your way out."

"Michael, please just leave us alone" Bella mumbles from behind her hands.

"Now, Bella. You sure weren't askin' me to leave you alone last time you were all hot and bothered now was ya'?" he says.

"You shut the fuck up before I kill you, Michael" I warn him. My patience are wearing thin and Bella is a hot spot for me.

"Go 'head. Tell him Bella, your boy here should know 'bout us. 'Bout all the nasty things we like to do…"

I grab him by the shirt collar.

"You shut the FUCK up, right now" I say, shaking him.

"Tell him, Bella" he laughs.

I glance over at Bella. Her arms are wrapped around her body. She looks so small and uncomfortable.

"Bell, just tell him to shut up so he'll go away" I urge.

She just looks up at me, sad.

Oh fuck.

"...Seriously, Bella!? Newton!?" I yell.

"Hey! Don't _you_ give me that! Not after what you just told me!"

"Jesus Christ!" I mumble. I toss Newton down and go to walk out.

"Fuck!" I shout into the night sky.

I hear Bella walking outside after me.

"How dare you be so self righteous!?" she yells.

"Self righteous!? Self righteous, Bella?! Newton of all fucking people?!" I yell back.

"_You're_ engaged!" She shouts.

"Yeah, well, I didn't fucking know I'd be fucking coming back here!"

"Well I didn't know you'd be coming back either!"

"God!" I sit my ass down on the curb and put my hands over my head. I feel the heat of her body sit next to me.

"You don't know how these past few years have been for me Edward" she says, shakily.

"I had a baby, I was alone and I was terrified about how I'd give her all the things she'd need. No one wants to hire a pregnant girl, Edward, not someone so far along. But…Michael, he was willing. I felt so indebted to him. And when he…needed something in return, well…I… I just felt like it was something I had to do."

"Bella," I say, aghast and disgusted. The idea she'd ever feel like she needed to use her body to thank someone was absurd to me. She didn't deserve that shit, and how fucking dare he let her think she did. "You are worth so much more than that. That stupid prick fuckin' took advantage of you."

"No, no it wasn't like that, Eddie, he helped me. I just…helped him back. Hey, stop…" she says as I try to stand up to go back in there.

"Why should I stop? That man is a vile piece of human shit. I'm supposed to just let him get away with this!?"

"You're going to stop because I'm asking you to."

I sigh and slump back down. I run my hands over my face. She's right. If she asks me to stop, I will. If she asks me to pummel him into the concrete, I'll fucking do that too.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, both letting our heart rates settle down. I don't know what to say from here, everything just seems to keep becoming more and more fucking messy.

She breaks the silence first.

"I'm sorry about before, I uh, didn't know you were involved with anyone" she whispers.

"Don't be sorry. It's my fault. I should have told you. Besides, I _still_ want to carry you up to my room regardless of any consequences, and I want to be sorry about that, but I'm just not" I say.

"I still want you to, too…" she sighs.

"You and me…we're quite the fucked up pair, aren't we?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I think maybe we're getting somewhere" she sighs. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

"I figured I'd dropped enough shit in your lap. Didn't want to make it any worse" I tell her.

She grabs my hand and starts playing with my fingers.

"What's she like?" she asks.

"Come on, Bella…" I sigh.

"No, I want to know. I spent a long time thinking you and I were going to get married. I want to know about the girl who gets to be walk down the aisle to you."

I sigh.

"She's…nice. You'd probably like her" I say, giving a humorless laugh.

"Is she pretty?" Bella asks, playing with my fingers, staring down at them.

"Yeah…yeah, she's pretty."

"Prettier than me?" she asks.

"No one is."

She rests her head against my shoulder. I grab her arm and press my fingers to her pulse point.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Back when we were together, if I had a panic attack at night, I used to rest my head on your chest and listen to the sound of your heart. It always made me feel better. I figure feeling your pulse will do the same thing now."

She looks up at me before grabbing my other arm in her own hand. She puts her fingers to my pulse and the two of us sit, on the curb curled up like pretzels, feeling the beat of each others' hearts through our wrists.

"You're right," she says, "this feels better."


	14. Temporarily on Hiatus

Please do not reply to this message, it'll be replaced with a chapter…eventually.

As much as it pains me to do this, I have to place Raspberry Lemon Squares on a temporary hiatus. It's not that I've lost interest – I haven't, but I happen to live on Long Island…and as I'm sure most people are aware… we were just slammed with Hurricane/Superstorm Sandy. I'm okay…thankfully, as well is my home…but friends and family members of mine lost everything. I've heard more stories and seen more destruction than I care to think about…but, I've also seen some incredible resilience. This motivates me to continue this story, as it directly impacts my characters (I've not yet decided if I'll feature it in this story…Obviously I hadn't had a catastrophic event planned, but I do feel like it has a place in the piece). Unfortunately, my job lost a week of production, my home lost two weeks of…everything…and my loved ones lost a lot more than that. All these things combined leave my story on the backburner…just for a little while. I'm more focused than ever on making the most out of life. I was always afraid to write something that other people might read – I'm not anymore. I'll be back soon. To all my survivors out there, you have my love.

See you soon.


End file.
